


You Never Stay

by generaltay



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Community: kakasaku, Depression, Drama, Drunk Sex, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, English, Eventual Romance, F/M, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Intense, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, Lemon, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pain, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prisoner of War, Romance, Rough Sex, Sex, Shower Sex, Smut, Worry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2020-10-26 07:44:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 60,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20738708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/generaltay/pseuds/generaltay
Summary: Sakura is worried about Kakashi. Something has been wrong with him and he won't let anyone in. One night she finally musters the courage to confront him and everything changes. For the better? Only time will tell.KAKASAKU. Rated M. Intense smut/lemon/whatever you wanna call it. PTSD, depression, and anxiety trigger warning.





	1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

'_I hope he's okay…'_

It was the third time she knocked on his door at this point and there was still no answer. It had been nearly a week since she last heard from him. He had come into the hospital again to get a couple of nasty wounds healed from his most recent mission and the moment she said he was stable, he bolted.

It had been the same cycle for nearly six months now.

Countless A and S rank missions. Countless wounds that she would heal, some minor, but most seemed to be more severe. Countless mad dashes to the door the second he was basically healed. He would barely utter a word doing those check ups too.

Something had changed in him. Sakura knew Kakashi to be a bit of a hermit, but not even Gai or Yamato had seen him in months besides on their missions, if they shared any. He seemed to live at home if he wasn't out throwing his life into the wind on some mission.

The reason she was even standing in front of his door right now was a year before this pattern of behavior began, she realized she felt something for the man. She never acted on the urge because she knew he'd never feel the same back. But, that didn't stop her for caring about him or his well being. If she couldn't be with him, she would tell take care of him in every way possible.

She decided to come see him when she got out of work this evening to figure out why he was acting so strange.

After the fifth knock and still no response, Sakura gave up on trying to be formal with her entry. She knew he was inside the small apartment, she could sense his chakra signature and he hadn't moved from his spot for the nearly entire ten minutes she had been knocking outside.

'_Damn it, Kakashi.'_

Turning the knob, she found the door had been unlocked the entire time.

'_You're an idiot…'_

Pushing the door open, she stepped inside and was consumed into the near darkness of his apartment.

"Kakashi?" she tentatively called out as she shut the door behind her, "It's just me."

He probably knew it was "just her." He might be avoiding the world, but he wasn't stupid. The pinkette strained her eyes to adjust to the darkness and the sudden smell of stale liquor invaded her nostrils and it took everything in her to not recoil and gag at the overwhelming stench. There wasn't much in his apartment, so as her eyes adjusted she quickly located the hunched figure sitting on a couch.

"Kakashi." she said softly as she slowed walked towards him, "Why didn't you answer the door? I'm sure you heard me knocking."

For a moment she thought that maybe the man had fallen asleep sitting like that, but when he moved and ran a hand over his face, she knew he was fully aware. Ignoring her.

"Kakashi." she said a little harder this time as she furrowed her brow at him.

"Maybe I didn't answer because I didn't want to be bothered?" he replied instantly, irritation clear in his deep voice.

Sakura froze when he snapped back. His voice had a combination of emotions that she couldn't pinpoint. Annoyed? Clearly, but she didn't care. Anger? Hopefully not. Sadness? Possibly. Pain? Definitely, but she couldn't tell if it was physical of emotional pain and that worried her.

"You're worrying me." she told him as she made to stand in front of him.

She looked down when her foot kicked something and the sound of glass scooting across the floor came her ears. Her eye caught something next to his feet and gasped when she saw a pile of discarded liquor bottles. There had to be at least fifteen bottles of the same stuff. She quickly squatted down in front of him and spoke as she grabbed one of the countless empty bottles.

"You're completely wasted." she said more as a statement rather than a question as she looked over the bottle.

'_This is hard stuff… How much has he drank?'_

"I'm a grown man. I can get wasted if I want too." he mumbled as he kept his hand on his face as he slouched back against the couch.

Sakura just stared at the man sitting in front of her in disbelief. This wasn't the Kakashi she knew or cared for. Something was clearly wrong.

'_He's worse off than I thought…'_

"Are these bottles all from today?" she asked the most pressing question that worried her.

'_He could have alcohol poisoning.'_

"No. Last couple of days."

The medic sighed a partial breath of relief. It wasn't an immediate cause for concern, but that many bottles pointed at a deeper issue. You only drank that much if something was bothering you. _If something hurt._

"This is still a lot to drink in a single day, these bottles are huge. They're what? Over a liter each? Are you at least eating while drinking this much?" she asked the next series of worrying questions.

'_Oh, Kakashi…'_

"No."

Sakura bit her lip then as sadness flooded her. She hadn't been expecting to walk into this when she finally decided to check on him. She raised a hand and reached out to him, the medic in her becoming more and more concerned for his physical and mental state. She flinched when he shot a hand out and snatched her wrist up.

"Don't." he said flatly as he finally looked to her, "Just leave me be."

Sakura's mind went blank when she saw the look he was giving her. He looked like he just took on an army by himself. There was no life in his eyes. She could smell the liquor clear as day from his breath. His mask was partially down and she could clearly see his nose and more of his scar.

"Tell me what's wrong." she shot back, refusing to step down.

She knew Kakashi and she knew of his resolve to never hurt the ones closest to him. He was all bark and no bite.

"Nothing's wrong."

She shot him a dirty look through the dim room.

"You're lying."

"You're stubborn." he spat as he dropped her wrist and slouched further back against the couch and let his head fall back.

Sakura stood back up and looked back down at him and crossed her arms.

"Have you been drinking like this a lot?"

* * *

Kakashi reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose at the question. This was not something he wanted to deal with right now and he was just starting to sober up when she started knocking earlier, so the slow throbbing in his head was making his already sour mood worse.

"Not at first." he mumbled.

He kept his eyes closed as he heard her audible sigh. It was clear her patience was running thin with him. He didn't blame her, but at the same time he didn't care either.

"How long have you been drinking like this?"

"Couple months."

"You're lying again!"

He frowned to himself at her call out.

'_How does she know?'_

"It doesn't concern you how long or how much I've been drinking. Please leave." he bit out.

He wasn't in the mood for her to be poking and prodding at him.

"Six months! You've been acting off for six months! What's wrong? Have you been drinking like this for six months?"

He finally opened his eyes but kept his head rested against the back of the sofa.

"Very observant. I've taught you well in like, what, the year I was your sensei? Now, please leave. I've asked nicely plenty." he sarcastically replied.

She just shook her head at him as she shifted her weight to a hip. He knew she meant well, she always did, but he wasn't in the mood to deal with this and felt his irritation grow as the pounding in his head only got worse and worse.

"You're pissing me off. Why can't you just listen for once?!" he finally snapped as he stood up and loomed over her. It took everything in him to keep himself balanced as he stared down at her.

Sakura was stunned by his sudden outburst, but she stood her ground. He took a deep breath to try and calm himself, but nothing worked. He didn't know why he was so frustrated right now. She hadn't replied once to him, but he could read her easily enough to know what she was saying without words.

They were always good like that together. They didn't have to exchange many words to know what the other is feeling or thinking. One look to each other could relay an entire conversation.

"Leave or you'll regret it."

Green eyes narrowed at him as she called his bluff.

"You're hurting." she said with no feeling.

She was stating a fact and he knew she knew.

"You healed me a couple of days ago. I'm fine."

Sakura just shook her and regarded him with sad eyes then and he grew confused.

"Not physically, but mentally. _Emotionally._ Somethings hurting." she spoke quickly, "Let me help you."

The pounding in his head doubled then.

"Please go."

'_You can't fix me. Don't try and fix me. I don't deserve to be fixed.'_

"I want to help you."

"You can't help me."

"Because you refuse to let me." she shot back.

They stood like that for a while staring hard at each other. The pounding headache finally made him reach his breaking point.

"I just need to forget for a while." he admitted against his wishes, "I'm overwhelmed. My brain won't turn itself off, that's why I'm drinking. It helps me dull it down. Slow it down."

Sakura's face registered surprise as he finally told her something worthwhile before she surprised him and nodded.

"Drinking is only a bandaid. Let me help you forget." she boldly told him.

Kakashi narrowed his eyes at her thinly veiled suggestion. She even looked surprised by what she said.

'_There's no way she means that.'_

"You don't mean that." he argued, calling her bluff

She stood straighter as she showed her own resolve.

"It's better than destroying your liver and brain cells." she countered.

He took a half step closer to her and came within centimeters of body contact.

"You're making a big mistake." he continued, giving her a chance to back out and leave.

"Isn't that for me to decide?"

He knew she was grown. She was beautiful. She was fully capable of making her own choices in life. But he didn't want her to use herself like that. She was more than that in life. Has she done this before? He prayed not. He leaned his head down close enough that his masked lips were right next to her ear.

"I'm not gentle." he whispered the lie as a last ditch attempt to scare her away.

* * *

Sakura sucked in a breath as his comment and the feeling of his warm breath on her ear.

"Do you hear me complaining?"

Before she could continue her train of thought, Kakashi had shot a hand up and buried his fingers into her hair as he yanked her forward and she felt his lips on hers. She felt as he pulled her flush against him as he turned and walked them backwards towards what she could only figure was his bedroom.

Sakura snaked her arms up and around his neck as she heard a door open.

"You're not thinking straight." he mumbled as he pulled away and kissed aggressively down her neck.

She just leaned her head away and gave him more access.

"I'm not the one whose been drinking nonstop for the last three days." Sakura sighed as the pleasant shivers ran up her spine.

Kakashi just hummed as she worked her hands under his shirt and he helped her remove it. She opened her eyes and gaped up to him when she realized she was seeing his bare face for the first time.

'_Oh god, why does he have to be this handsome?!'_

She didn't get a chance to admire as he pushed her down onto his bed and crawled on top of her.

"I told you I'm not going to be gentle." he said again as he sat her up and nearly tore off her tank top.

She swallowed hard before his lips found hers again. She had never had proper rough sex before, but she was willing to do this for him. Part of her was excited anyways since she was with him to begin with. Plus, he would never really hurt her. She knew that. It would be rough, but she knew it wouldn't be painful.

"Just take it out on me. Whatever is bothering you, whatever is hurting you, just take it out on me." she whispered as he took off her bra and felt his hand on her immediately.

Sakura felt the fire pool in her stomach as he groaned loudly at her statement.

"Are you on birth control?" he asked as he undid her shorts and helped him as she shimmied out of them.

"Yeah." she replied breathlessly as large hands trailed up her thighs and quickly tugged down her panties, leaving her fully exposed.

There would be no foreplay she realized, but she was ready enough. She honestly had never been so turned on before in her life. He was strong, fit, and handsome as hell. What else could she ask for?

"Good." Kakashi grunted as he quickly stood off the bed and she watched as he unbuckled his own pants and drop them to the floor along with his boxers.

She bit her bottom lip as she watched him stroke himself a couple times as he closed his eyes and relished in the pleasure he gave himself. Sakura felt herself grow wetter at the erotic sight. He was rock hard already. When he opened his eyes, she could see the fire behind his gaze and somehow found the courage within her to raise a hand and beckoned him to her.

"You'll regret this." he mumbled as he crawled back on top of her and settled himself between her legs.

Sakura just remained quiet as she watched him stroke himself a few more times before he suddenly rubbed his tip between her folds. The pinkette screwed her eyes shut and stifled the loud moan she wanted to emit as he coated himself with her juices.

"I see you're excited." he groaned as she felt him push her knees up further, "Hold your legs against you, I'm not going to hold back. Don't let go of them either."

Sakura quickly nodded and followed his instructions as she hooked her arms under her knees and pulled them away more and held the position. She was completely exposed to him at that point and she wasn't as shy like she thought she would be. If anything she was incredibly turned on by the dominance he was showing.

'_Who knew my wildest dreams were going to come true tonight? Sex with Kakashi? I'm in Heaven.'_

She sighed loudly as she felt him rub against her before he pushed and entered her slowly.

"Fuck…" he moaned loudly as he buried himself completely into her and paused to let her adjust. At least he gave her that grace, she thought to herself as she marveled at the feeling of being filled.

Sakura instantly regretted blindly obliging to hold this position. She wanted nothing more than to let go and run her hands down her body and touch herself. She stifled another moan as he slowly pulled out and thrust back in, soon quickly picking up his pace as he pounded roughly into her.

"Ahh." she softly cried out against her will as he hunched over her and somehow picked up his pace even more.

She could hear the bed creak and thump against the wall violently as he dominated her and she felt herself grow dizzy as the pleasure shot through her. She wasn't sure how much longer she'd last if he kept this up. In this position, he was slamming into her sweet spot repeatedly and she couldn't keep her focus long enough to do anything but enjoy the feeling.

"You feel so good, Sakura…" Kakashi moaned loudly as he leaned down and finally captured her into a kiss since he entered her.

Sakura hummed as he invaded her mouth. He reached down and snatched up her hands from her hold on her knees and pinned them above her head.

"Ahh!" she finally moaned out as his position changed in her when her legs dropped down, "Oh, god, Kakashi!"

She couldn't stop herself as her climax hit her suddenly. The pinkette cried out a garble rendition of his name. Kakashi groaned so loudly she thought she might come a second time from the sound of him alone while he continued to slam into her at a nearly painful pace.

As she finally came to her senses, she felt him release her hands as he hugged her tightly as he buried his face into the crook of her neck and jerk into her couple more times before she felt something warm shoot inside her. His moan as he came inside her was the highlight of this whole experience.

'_I did it… I made him feel good. I made him forget.'_

Kakashi held her close for a while as he rode out the remainder of his climax. She relished in how content she felt laying there under him, letting her hands trail up his biceps and draw lazy circles over his back with her fingers. Another minute passed and she felt him begin to stir and look up to her. She gave him the best smile she could at that moment and he gave her a half smile back.

That was okay. That was all she needed.

She could see the fog was gone from his eyes. The pain was gone, if only temporary.

"I hope I didn't hurt you." he spoke quietly as he leaned back more and slowly pulled out of her and rolled to her right to lay down next to her.

"You didn't." she told him honestly before she asked her own question, "Did you forget?"

There was a tense silence as they laid there in the darkness. They had rushed in there so suddenly, they never managed to turn on a light.

"Yeah." he spoke quietly, "I did."

"Do you feel better?"

"I do."

Sakura couldn't help the big smile that came to her as she laid there. She had helped him, granted in an odd way, but she helped him nonetheless. She wasn't sure how much time had passed as they laid there. She slowly turned her head to look over at him and found his eyes were closed and he was breathing in slow and even breathes. She continued to lay there for a while longer watching him. He looked so peaceful, his face free from any emotions.

No pain. No sadness. Nothing.

'_He fell asleep. I should leave. He obviously doesn't want me to stay. I'll be there for him though. If he needs me, I'll be here for him.'_

Slowly, the pinkette got up from the bed and tiptoed around his room in search of her discarded clothes.

* * *

He continued to lay there with his eyes closed as he felt her get up and quietly find her clothes. He felt himself start to slip again as heard her get dressed. That nagging feeling returned in the back of his head. He felt as though his chest grew heavy as he heard her open his bedroom door and tiptoe through the apartment. He finally let out an audible sigh when he heard the front open and close with a soft click.

"Please stay…" Kakashi whispered into the dark room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will have multiple parts, but it will not be a super long story. I've never written such intense smut before and I hope you guys like it! ^_^""
> 
> Please, please, please leave a review and tell me what you think of the start of this story!? I've never done something like this before so I'm very unsure of myself right now. :o
> 
> Thank you to Taytay95 for encouraging me to write this out and helping me when I struggled to write the more intense parts.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Nearly a week had passed since Sakura visited Kakashi and everything changed between them that night. She hadn't seen him since sneaking out of his apartment after he fell asleep. She regretted leaving him like that. She wanted to stay. She wanted to curl up next to him and fall asleep together.

But she knew that he wouldn't want that. He _didn't_ want that. He made it clear that what they did was just _that_. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just two friends who sought pleasure together. She told him she'd help him and helped him she did. And, she was okay with that. She knew he'd never want a relationship and if that was the closest she could get to it, she would accept it.

Sakura was grown. She was twenty three years old. She knew what she was doing. She had a handful of drunken bar nights resulting in going home with men and eventual walks of shame the next morning. The brief period she was with Sasuke was her only other experience of being with someone she cared deeply about.

She wasn't sure where she stood with the jounin now. She wanted to go back over there the next day to check on him, but grew too nervous and ended up just hiding in her apartment. She was actually a little sore from the experience, but it was good sore. The pinkette hoped that maybe he would come to her, but quickly dismissed that possibility. She knew he cared about her. She was one of his "precious people." But she was nothing more than that to him with the added benefit of casual sex.

"Eh, Sakura, look." the stout blonde nurse called her attention from her wandering thoughts.

Sakura looked to her right to see what Yuna was referring to and found her pointing at a missions roster. It was just past eight in the morning and the nurses just got out of their morning meeting and were taking a break before officially starting the day.

"What am I looking for exactly?" she asked as the woman handed her the list.

"Look who's on the list of check ups today. You're number one patient is returning from his mission, so you better prepare for him. That is if he even comes in." Yuna explained with a giggle.

Sakura felt her stomach flip as she quickly looked over the list and located his name.

_Hatake Kakashi_

_Blood Type: O_

_DOB: Sept. 15_

_Ninja Reg #: 009720_

_Current Rank: Jonin - S Class_

_Mission Brief: A rank. Solo. Eliminate bandits from the northern border of the Fire Nation._

'_Oh no… He was solo.'_

Handing the paper back up the nurse, Sakura stood and smiled down at the girl.

"Thanks for the heads up! I'm going to go finish a few other things then to make sure I have enough time to deal with him later." she playfully joked.

Yuna smiled and nodded at her and Sakura quickly dismissed herself. She didn't need to finish up anything, but she couldn't sit still any longer. She needed to keep herself busy until he came in. What would she say to him? Would he say anything? Would they completely ignore the issue? Was there even an issue to begin with?

She was just simply lost and confused at that point.

Walking into the free clinic, Sakura sighed a happy sigh when she saw how busy the lobby was.

'_Perfect.'_

Three hours later and after her twelfth patient, Sakura was interrupted from her work flow when Yuna stopped by and handed a patient file to her.

"He's over in the shinobi clinic, room eight. As always, he will only see you." she said as Sakura stared blankly at the manila folder, "I'll take over here while you do that."

The medic didn't say anything as she nodded as she turned and headed back to her new destination. She didn't realize that much time had passed since Yuna teased her earlier that morning about the fickle man. She read over his intake form as she purposely walked slowly to the room he was assigned too.

"_Only complaint of minor chest pain. As per usual, refused to allow us to take vitals. Requests only Haruno Sakura to perform his routine check up."_

Sakura rolled her eyes at the three sentences the form had in the comments. It was always the same thing from him, expect the chest pain was new. He wouldn't let a single person touch him and he would only allow Sakura to perform his check ups. She didn't complain much though. Compared to before she became a full time medic at the hospital when she was nineteen, Kakashi never went to his post mission check ups unless he was on his deathbed. Now that she was here, he came to most of them, which was a vast improvement in the Tsunade's eyes.

As she turned down the hall to the examination rooms, she paused half way as she willed herself to calm down. With a determined nod, she continued. Without knocking, she walked in and found him in his usual spot on the exam table looking bored.

"Yo." he saluted as usual with an eye crinkling smile.

Sakura finally released the breath she didn't know she had been holding and smiled back.

"Hi." she replied in a quiet voice.

She ignored the slight narrowing of his eyes from her less than usual perky greeting and walked to the cabinet and grabbed everything for his check up.

"You mentioned you have chest pain? Is it your heart or lungs? Or something like a broken rib?" she spoke as she pulled out a reflex hammer and otoscope and turned to face him finally.

Kakashi just reached up and scratched the back of his head gingerly.

"I got punched at one point and feel a little tender. I think I just have some sore muscles?" he revealed his self diagnosis.

Sakura sat her supplies down on the little tray next to the exam table and raised a brow at him as she pulled out her stethoscope.

"I'll be the judge of that. Okay, you know the routine, strip down to your boxers."

The medic fought the blush that wanted to overcome at the mention of him stripping down. The last time she saw him that exposed he was getting ready to fuck her. Kakashi silently obliged and stood as she stepped to the side and faced away to give him some privacy as he removed his various articles of clothing. The sound of the paper lining crinkling as he sat back down signalled she could turn around.

Her eyes went big as she saw the large purple bruise that took up the majority of his chest.

"That's more than sore muscles." she stated flaty before looking up and meeting his gaze, "And remove the mask too."

Gray eyes narrowed at her demand and she replied with an unamused look.

"You have nothing to hide with me in that department now, so off it comes." she added with a slight hint of arrogance.

That was one of her benefits from that night. He couldn't pull the mystery mask tricks anymore with her. She knew what he looked like without it. She loved what he looked like without it. But, now he couldn't get out of a full exam with her and she felt a little extra smug with this slight upper hand.

Kakashi kept his unnerving hard stare at her as he reached up and pulled the mask over his head and tossed it on the chair with his pile of clothes. She smiled sweetly as he frowned unhappily at her.

'_He's even handsome when he's frowning.'_

She stepped forward and started listening to his heart and lungs. She reached over and grabbed the tongue depressor after she was done and spoke.

"Say 'ah.'"

She raised a brow again when he didn't follow the instruction right away. He sighed after a second and opened his mouth. The rest of the check up was a tense silence as she got his vitals, tested his reflexes, checked his eyes and ears, and had him do a quick range of motion test in which she discovered he couldn't do much because of his bruising.

"Okay, lay down and I can start healing your so called "sore muscles."" Sakura spoke softly as he stood straight again.

Kakashi hadn't said a word for the entire exam and it was starting to make her a bit nervous. What was he thinking? She wanted desperately to peek into his mind for a minute to figure out and answer her questions. She placed both hands in the middle of his chest as she emitted the healing green chakra. A quiet sigh of relief came from him then and she felt a small smile form on her lips for being able to bring that relief to him again.

"How are you feeling?" she asked hopefully what he would interpret as an open ended question.

"The same." he grunted, knowing exactly what she was asking.

The medic took a slow and even breath at his reply. She knew that he wouldn't change overnight or over the course of a week. But she hoped that he'd find some solace in having someone there for him.

"Have you been drinking recently?" she whispered quietly as she stood over him and continued to work, slow sliding her hands over his toned chest.

"I don't drink while on missions." he shot back.

Sakura paused her motions briefly in response to how bitter he sounded. Like her question was an insult.

"I know better than to drink on missions." he added, but more softly this time, "I don't even drink the day before I have to leave. The moment the scroll is in my hand, I put the bottle down."

She nodded slowly as she accepted his answer. That gave her more relief than she would like to admit. Not only for her concern for him but her concern for his ability to perform a mission under the command of the Leaf village. If it would've gotten out that he was wasted while performing missions, he would be ripped from active duty without a second thought.

"You're going to drink the moment you leave here, aren't you?"

"Probably."

'_He's still overwhelmed…'_

Sakura was silent for a while as she trailed her hands back across his chest to check if she missed any of the bruised flesh. She took a deep breath as she willed herself to ask her next question.

"Do you… Do you want me to come over later?"

She felt him stiffen under her and she regretted even saying a word about it. She glanced over to gauge just how pissed he probably was and was surprised to see him regarding her with a sad expression.

"You don't have to do that." he whispered.

She looked back at her hands and bit down on her tongue for a second.

"I'll take that as a yes. I'll be there after work tonight."

She dissipated the chakra as she stepped away from the exam table.

"You can get dressed now. Besides that bruising you had, you're okay. Cleared to return to active duty."

She heard him get up and start dressing as she put all her focus on methodically filling out the form she would turn in once he left. When she heard the zipper of his flak jacket, she looked back up to him and found him putting on his headband. When their eyes met, she could only give a small smile since she couldn't find the words to say anything else and Kakashi must have understood as he just gave her a single nod and turned and walked out of the room without another thought.

"Oh, god…" she whispered once she was alone, defeated as she buried her face into her hands and leaned against the exam table, "I'm a joke, an absolute joke."

* * *

Kakashi stepped out into the bright sun and instantly felt his mood sour. Sakura had basically just told him she's giving up her body to him.

Again.

'_She deserves so much more…'_

He started walking towards his first destination as he pondered how tonight would go.

'_I was purposely rough to scare her away. Did she really like that? Can I really let her do this? I will admit, I hadn't cum that hard in a while… Then again I haven't been with anyone for a while either.'_

He walked into the convenience store and walked straight to the liquor section.

'_I'm too damaged, so why is she so willing to go to these lengths? For me?' _he thought to himself as he grabbed five bottles of the usual.

He slowly wandered towards the counter and sat them down as the cashier smiled big at him.

"Haven't seen you in a while! It's been nearly two months! Doing our usual restock, eh?" the chipper man said as he bagged up the alcohol.

"You know it." Kakashi passively said as he pulled the required bills from his wallet, "Keep the change like usual."

He grabbed the bag and walked out without another word and sighed as he walked down the street. He hated whenever the cashier commented on his purchases. He had made it a habit to cycle through numerous amount of places all throughout the village so the employees, or anyone for that matter, wouldn't become concerned at him buying five bottles a day. He knew the habit was unhealthy and damaging to his body, but he couldn't stop himself.

It was a compulsion at this point.

The liquor numbed him enough where the day could pass by somewhat peacefully.

Ever since the Fourth Great War, he struggled immensely with his depression and PTSD.

Kakashi thought that him coming to peace with his father and then Rin, Minato, and Obito would help. Which it did to a point. He no longer thought about the countless what if's that their sudden departure brought him. Now he was left wondering where he should go from there.

It had been nearly six years since the war ended and for the first couple years, everything seemed fine. Life continued on and he resumed his duties as a jounin for the Leaf village. However, once the third year rolled around, he grew anxious about the unknown. He felt stagnant in life suddenly. By the fourth year, his lingering depression crept up and hit him like a train, but he was able to keep it tucked away by throwing himself into countless dangerous missions. By the fifth year, his PTSD joined in after a particularly rough mission and for the last six months he took up drinking to help dull out that storm in his brain.

Now, after every mission it only seemed to get worse. It had only been getting harder to calm the storm.

His nose caught the whiff of a nearby food stall and felt his stomach growl.

'_I guess it wouldn't hurt to grab something to eat…'_

Turning around, he walked over to the stall and ordered himself a large container of the katsudon and finally made his way home. Kicking off his sandals and setting the bag of food and the bag of liquor onto his table he glanced around the meek apartment and frowned.

When had it become this messy?

Kakashi eyed the countless empty bottles of liquor thrown onto the floor and the dirty dishes and cups that covered the entirety of his coffee table. He turned and looked at the small nook that was his kitchen and frowned more at a sink full of dishes and the flies that were buzzing around them. He glanced at his fridged and couldn't recall the last time he had opened it and decided that was best left to be untouched for the time being.

Reaching into the bag, he pulled out one of the bottles and tugged down his mask and took a large gulp of the burning liquid. Kakashi sat the bottle down as he removed his headband and threw it carelessly onto the table, noting the piles upon piles of mail he should probably go through, and shrugged off his flak jacket and slung it over a kitchen chair. Grabbing the bottle, he took another swig as he walked over to his bathroom and opened it up and groaned at his discovery. The hamper was full of damp towels and the smell was nearly gagging.

'_Have I really been living like this?'_ Kakashi thought to himself as he eyed the dirty tub and toilet.

When had he become that oblivious to the world around him? How much had he actually missed out on? He had always kept his home in relative order and usually always kept it clean. Had the liquor really caused all this change? Why was he just now noticing this mess?

He took another large drink before he sat the bottle down on the vanity and opened up the sliding door across from the sink and opened up the washer and dumped the entire hamper into it and began a wash cycle.

'_That's a start…'_

Grabbing his nearly quarter gone bottle, Kakashi wandered out of the bathroom and towards his room. Another sigh escaped when he saw that his room was no different than the rest of the house. It looked as if a paper bomb had went off inside the place. There were clothes, liquor bottles, and endless kunai and shuriken scattered around. All his dresser drawers were open and basically empty and his comforter half on the floor along with a pillow.

Kakashi stared at the bed for a long time as memories of last week came to mind. He had Sakura pinned down underneath him in the middle of the bed as he roughly fucked her that night. She hadn't complained once while he did that, in fact, she had barely made a noise at all he recalled. Aside from a few moans that he couldn't tell if were from pleasure or pain. He remembered how he felt empty and heavy at the same time as she left. He wanted her to stay at that point when he had been trying to get her to leave the entire time before. He had no idea what that meant, wanting someone to stay even when you're trying to push them away.

He remembered laying there until exhaustion took him. He remembered how well he slept that night. Well, slept better than usual. He remembered waking up to a sweet smell of coconut invading his nostrils and upon searching further he found a couple stray pink hairs on the pillow he had been sleeping on. It had been the pillow she laid on while he pounded into her. She had involuntarily left her scent behind.

He remembered the regret and heaviness that invaded him as he laid there. He wanted to go see her and make sure she was okay after what happened, but he couldn't bring himself to get out of his bed. He hoped that maybe she would come back at some point that day, but quickly dismissed that thought when he remembered that she had snuck out when she thought he was sleeping.

She obviously felt some sort of regret or shame to want to leave as quickly as she did. He didn't blame her. He was a broken mess and any involvement with him would only cause her misery. Later that day, he had finally been pulled from bed when a hawk came to deliver a mission summoning scroll.

He absentmindedly continued drinking as he slowly picked up his room. Tossing all his clothes out into the living room, he lamented at the idea of how much laundry he would be doing that day. Cracking open the second bottle, he tidied up the bed half heartedly reasoning he'd wash the linens another day and gathered and organized all of his weapons onto the top of his dresser. He wandered out to the kitchen and grabbed a trash bag and slowly gathered up all the scattered trash and bottles and quickly realised that he was going to need a second bag.

Kakashi spent the rest of the afternoon drinking and cleaning up his apartment. Once five o'clock rolled around, he was too drunk to continue. More like he couldn't stand without wobbling and nearly tripping over his own two feet. He had managed to gather and take out all his trash, wash and dry five loads of laundry, and do a half a sink full of dishes before he needed to sit down. He had realized he never touched the katsudon he had bought earlier that day and hungrily scarfed the long cold meal all down before he cracked open the fifth bottle to wash down the last bite.

He leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes and let himself relish in the quiet for a while.

A sudden knock at his door jerked him back to consciousness and he blinked at the door a couple times in confusion. His eyes darted over to the clock next to the door and saw it read nearly half past six.

'_Did I really just sleep for over an hour?'_

"Kakashi? Are you there?"

He heard her voice through the wooden door and felt both comforted and saddened as she spoke.

'_She's really going to do this?'_

He heard her knock again and a quiet sigh escaped him as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees and let his head fall into his hands.

'_Can I really let her do this? She's has to only be doing this to please me… She deserves better than sleeping with a lazy old man.'_

"I'm coming in." he heard Sakura's now annoyed tone say as the sound of the door knob turning signaled her statement true.

He remained still as he listened to her kick off her sandals before the sound of tentative steps approached him.

"Kakashi?" she asked again, her tone back to the softness it usually held.

He pursed his lips as he gave a short grunt to let her know he was listening. Kakashi heard her move and step closer to him before she squatted down in front of him.

"You ate." she said more as a statement than a question. Her tone, though, even held a sense of happiness in it.

He decided to finally look up to her then and lost his breath when he found her smiling warmly at him. The golden evening sunlight shone through his window and illuminated her face and made her glow and made her pink locks look rose gold. Kakashi had made her happy by the simple act. He knew she was worried about his diet. Replacing meals with liquor wasn't the healthiest thing to do after all. He nodded once to confirm her statement and her smile only grew. He watched her quickly glance around the dimming apartment before she faced him and raised a single pink brow.

"And you cleaned up the place a lot."

He nodded again, unable to form any thoughts or words at that moment as he still remained in awe at how beautiful she looked then .

"I couldn't stand the smell." he replied honestly after knocking some sense into himself.

Kakashi didn't know how he managed to live in that stench for so long. The smell of stale liquor, rotting food, dirty clothes, and damp towels overwhelmed him to the point that he couldn't focus on anything else, so that was why he cleaned today. Why was he just now realizing all this?

Sakura nodded at him as if she understood clearly what he meant.

"It looks nice." she whispered.

He stood suddenly then and held his hand out to her. He couldn't take anymore small talk at the moment without the urge to lean over and kiss her. He didn't want to involve feelings in this. He was already struggling as it was with this arrangement and he didn't know how much more he could take. Sakura stared up at him in surprise before she placed a small hand in his and he helped her stand back up. He turned and walked towards his room and she quietly followed as he felt her grip his hand tighten.

'_Is she nervous or is she excited?'_

He turned and faced her once inside and when he found green eyes watching him closely, he quickly tugged her against him and kissed her hard. He couldn't take her looking at him like that. Like she cared about him. He knew she did, but it wasn't the caring what he was thinking of. _Like he was hoping for. _He felt dirty using her like this. But, he couldn't say no. Not to her at least. He didn't know how long she would offer this before she inevitably grew tired of him and moved on, so he reasoned he might as well take what he can get. Even if it meant he would only hurt more in the end.

This was just a band aid. Another temporary fix.

The whole situation had left him extremely confused. Being as drunk as he was right now did not help matters either.

Pulling back he turned her around and pulled her back flush against him. He heard as a shaky breath left her and it only turned him on more. He let his hands trail down her sides and found the hem of her shirt and pulled up to which Sakura raised her arms to allow him to remove it. He noticed right away that she wasn't wearing a bra and he dropped his head against her shoulder a groaned.

"You prepared for this, didn't you?" he whispered darkly.

He felt gentle fingers wrap around his wrists and lead his hands up to her breast and he greedily groped them.

"Maybe." she softly moaned when he tweaked a perk nipple, "It's not the only thing I went without either."

He ripped his hands from her breasts and grabbed her shoulders and shoved her onto the bed. A startled gasp left her as she caught herself onto all fours. He ripped off his own shirt before he reached over and hooked his fingers into the band of Sakura's shorts and deftly pulled them down. He felt his cock twitch when he was faced with her bare pussy.

He groaned loudly as he reached down and all but yanked down his pants as he crawled onto the bed behind her.

"So fucking naughty." he mumbled as he grabbed ahold of his cock and rubbed the tip between her folds and was happy to see that she was equally as ready.

He spread her legs apart farther and without another word he pushed into her and forced himself to not cum at the sound that left her. Sakura moaned loudly and dropped her upper body against the mattress and he didn't give her time to enjoy or adjust as he pulled back and slammed back into her. He felt her stifle a pleasure filled scream as he continued to pound into her. He leaned over her and pressed his face into her back while he gripped her hips tightly to control himself.

He relished in the pleasure that coursed through him as he sat up and let his hands massage her ass. He saw her turn her head and peek behind her to him and he looked away. He couldn't look her in the eye right now. He didn't think as he raised his hand and struck down hard onto her ass as he bucked hard into her.

"Fuck!" she cried out and he gasped when he felt her tighten around him.

"Again?" he asked, attempting to see how far he could push her. He needed to scare her away.

"T-take it out on me." she whimpered as she started rolling her hips against him.

He screwed his eyes shut and let his head fall back at her reply.

'_I'm a monster. She doesn't deserve this. I'm causing her unnecessary pain.'_

He raised his hand and struck down right over where he smacked her ass the first time and she jerked against him and moaned loudly. He couldn't stop himself as he repeated the motion four more times before he heard her pleasured moans suddenly turn into a pained whimpers and the fog vanished suddenly.

'_Jesus, fuck. What am I doing?!'_

He pulled out and grabbed her hips and flipped her onto her back then. He quickly glanced up and found her panting heavily with her eyes closed underneath him and he stopped himself from leaning down and kissing her. He wanted to take the pain he inflicted away. He quickly thrust back into her and watched her mouth form a perfect O as the obvious pleasure fill her.

He snatched up her wrists and pinned them over her head and she gasped and before he knew it, he felt her climax rip through her. He moved and captured her into a kiss then as she called out his name. He couldn't stand hearing her say his name with that much pleasure again. Last time it did him in and he didn't deserve to hear it again tonight.

He groaned loudly into the kiss as he felt as his climax overtook him and he jerked a few more times as he pumped himself into her. He quickly pulled out the moment he emptied himself and shoved himself to his left before he fell and crushed her beneath him.

Kakashi laid there swimming in the afterglow of his orgasm and listened closely to Sakura's heavy panting as she worked through her own. He wasn't sure how much time passed, but he knew it had been a while since the room grew quiet as they regained their bearings.

'_I wonder if she'll stay.'_

As if she read his mind, he felt her stir next to him and sit up.

"Kakashi?" she whispered quietly.

Even though he wanted to open his eyes and look at her, to let her know he was listening, he didn't. Kakashi remained still as he laid there with his eyes closed. He couldn't bring himself to look at her for fear of what he would see or what he would do.

A quiet sigh left her and he felt her move again and the bed shift as she got up. The heaviness was immediate and he felt the growing emptiness consume him as he heard her pull on her shirt and shorts.

'_Was that a sigh of relief? Regret? Sadness?'_

"Goodnight…" she whispered as he heard her open and close his bedroom door.

'_Please don't…' _he thought as he listened to the muffled sounds of her getting her sandals on.

He brought his hands up and roughly pushed them against his face when he heard his front door open and close with a soft click.

"You never stay…" he whispered as he rolled over and buried his face in the pillow she had been laying on just moments earlier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi... my heart... Sakura... my girl... I wish these two would just speak up!! USE YOUR WORDS.
> 
> Please leave a review if you can! I got lots of positive responses from the first chapter, so I hope this one was worth the wait! I really like writing this side of them?? Let me know what you think! Your opinions matter to me~~
> 
> Thank you as always to Taytay95 for being da best beta eva in the whole wide world. :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"Kakashi! My friend!"

Kakashi froze in place as he heard the booming voice from across the street.

'_Damn it.'_

He had left his apartment that morning to go buy himself his daily supply of liquor and quickly return back home. After last night he wanted nothing more than to be left alone. He wanted to drown out the sound of her pained cries. Cries he had caused.

"Yo." he turned and saluted his comrade.

"I haven't seen you in ages! You are one busy man! Are you busy this morning?" Gai excitedly spoke as he bounded up to him in his wheelchair.

Kakashi felt his head begin to throb from the over the top noise coming from his rival. He was still extremely hungover from last night.

"Just grabbing a quick bite before a nap." he lied.

He knew better than to let on that he was most definitely a raging alcoholic who would rather drink himself into a stupor than deal with his worsening depression, anxiety, and PTSD.

"Ah! This is perfect! Come with me to lunch! I was just on my way to meet up with a few others for a "_quick bite!"_"

Kakashi frowned under his mask. He couldn't avoid this like he hoped. His head hurt too much to come up with another seemingly pointless excuse. He silently cursed himself for waiting so long to get out of bed this time. He glanced ahead and sighed internally at the sight of the convenience store that was barely a block away. He had been so close.

"I suppose." he replied in a fake chipper tone, "But I can't stay long, I need to rest up for my next mission."

"Wonderful!" Gai shouted right near his ear and Kakashi cringed at the pain that shot through his head.

'_Let's get this over with…'_

* * *

"You can already hear Gai…" Sakura groaned as her, Ten Ten, and Kiba entered entered into the restaurant.

She had run into Ten Ten earlier that morning when she was running errands and invited her to join her and a couple of others for lunch. After last night, she welcomed the distraction. She was still sore from him spanking her so much. When she woke up that morning, Sakura was shocked to see the blue and red bruising that covered her right ass cheek. She decided not to heal it right away because she wanted to hold onto the proof that they were together last night for a little while longer.

Sakura had told him to take it out on her and he stayed true to his word. She'd rather him be rough with her than him taking it out on himself. He was self destructing before her very eyes and she wanted to do all she could to stop him from hurting himself further. She could heal herself, but she could only heal him so much.

Plus, she had found it to be quite a turn on before he took it a couple of steps too far. Those first few slaps had sent pleasurable shocks up her spine that she had never felt before. He had made her feel some things she had never felt before and even though he caused her pain, she wanted to explore things further with him.

"Ladies and Kiba! What a pleasure to see you guys!" Gai called over to them as they came into his view.

Sakura looked over to where the jounin was and stifled a gasp when she saw who was sitting next to him.

_'Kakashi?! What is he doing out and about? He must have bumped into Gai… There's no way he did this by choice. He looks so exhausted…'_

The medic suddenly felt super self aware as they made their way over to the table. His own surprised look didn't go unnoticed. She felt her cheeks get warm when he wouldn't take his eyes off of her. When she sat down, she plopped down a little too hard on the wooden bench and winced as the pain shot up her right side from the bruising. She quickly looked across to Kakashi and found him staring even harder at her with narrowed eyes.

He knew exactly why she winced and worry flooded her. What was he thinking right now? Was he happy that he had made his mark? Was he pissed that he made a mark instead? Worried? Sakura wanted nothing more than to bolt out of there and find refuge in her apartment for the rest of the day, hell, the rest of the weekend.

"Sakura, you okay?" Ten Ten asked as she sat down next to her.

"Uh, yeah! I think I sat on a splinter or something!" she lied as she pretended to look down at the bench in search of the phantom splinter.

Everyone but Kakashi seemed to have bought her excuse and Sakura felt ashamed suddenly.

_'Oh, god… Can this day just end already?'_

The lunch itself was nice. She enjoyed a bowl of udon and catching up with everyone. The only part that kept her on edge was the lingering gaze that the silver haired man kept on her. He barely spoke during the meal, so she couldn't gauge what he was feeling.

"Bye guys!" Sakura called out happily as she walked away from the group.

Kakashi had dismissed himself the moment the bills arrived and she felt a little relief but immediately missed his presence. She walked down the street towards her apartment, excited that she could hide away from the world for the rest of the day. She decided that a nice hot shower was needed and then she would heal up the bruising. She silently scolded herself for not simply healing it that morning since sitting on it became very uncomfortable.

"Sakura." the deep voice pulled her from her thoughts.

She turned and found him standing at the entrance of a side street with a plastic bag in hand, no doubt filled with his liquor. Had he been waiting for her?

"Kakashi." she said in a quiet voice herself as she took a couple steps towards him, "What are you doing? Were you waiting for me?"

The man pushed himself off from leaning against the building and took the last steps towards her. He came closer than he usually would, but stopped just shy where she could hear his quiet breathing and the heat radiate off his body.

"Can you come over tonight?" he asked.

She stared wide eyed up to him. Did he just ask her to come over? Then her nose caught a whiff of his breath and she frowned deeply at him. He had already started drinking and had the audacity to do it in public! She felt her irritation towards him flare up.

"You want me to come over? Why?" she bit out a little harder than intended.

Dark gray eyes narrowed at her lack of immediate agreement.

"I need to talk to you about… something." he revealed.

'_He doesn't want to fool around?'_

"Just tell me now."

Sakura knew that he was frowning at her under that mask and at this point she didn't care.

"I hurt you, didn't I?"

She froze when the words left his lips. This was the exact thing she had worried about for the entire lunch.

He was pissed.

"And you're already drunk, aren't you?" she shot back, purposely ignore his question.

"No, I'm not. Not yet at least. Please, can we not talk about this out here?" he asked again quietly.

She felt another wave of irritation and turned away from him and replied.

"I'd rather not talk about this at all."

She turned and started to walk away but felt as a large hand grabbed her arm and tugged her back. When she turned to lash out at him, she didn't have time to think as he brought a hand up to his face in a seal and suddenly she was surrounded by a puff of smoke. She felt her feet land again with a soft thud and him release her. When the smoke dissipated she realized that they were in his apartment.

"You have some nerve, you know that!" she yelled at him.

* * *

Kakashi sat down his bag on the counter and turned and faced her. He had to know.

"Did. I. Hurt. You?" he bit out as he walked up to her, his presence suddenly very serious as he loomed over her.

"No." she shot back, standing her ground.

He raised a ran and ran it through his messy hair and sighed.

"Stop lying. I saw you wince at the restaurant when you sat down. You were uncomfortable the entire time."

He was surprised enough to run into her again by chance like that, but when she sat down and saw her look of pain, he felt his heart drop. He had hurt her badly enough where the simple act of sitting brought her discomfort. He couldn't focus on anything else but that. He didn't know what to do at that point, but he needed to apologize to her. He never wanted to hurt her to begin with and he would never forgive himself for doing that.

"You wouldn't stop staring at me, so of course I looked uncomfortable." she snapped.

"Stop skirting around the fucking question!" he rose his voice half an octave and caused her to stiffen at his threatening tone.

"I'm sore, not hurt." she quickly reasoned as she tried to step past him to leave.

He stepped in front of her again to block her path and guided her back until he had he pinned against the counter. When her backside bummed it, he watched her wince again from discomfort.

"Didn't you scold me for saying basically the same thing yesterday?" he countered with as he lowered his head to speak into her ear, this time in a much softer tone.

"I'm okay with my marks. Yours were the result of battle. I had asked for mine, you didn't ask for yours."

Kakashi tensed up at her statement. He leaned back at stared down at her in disbelief.

"There's marks?" he asked.

Sakura refused to look him in the eye then and he felt his stomach drop as anxiety skyrocketed. He hadn't been prepared to hear that he actually hurt her enough to show physical damage. He felt his heart beat increase tenfold and struggled to breath normally suddenly.

'_Oh, god. Not now… I can't break down right now…'_

"There's just a little redness, that's all." she explained in a weak voice. She was trying desperately trying to hold her ground and sound confident, but was obviously losing that battle.

'_**You monster…'**_

He dropped his head against her shoulder in defeat as he attempted to focus on leveling out his anxiety. He knew he caused her pain, but knowing he left marks hurt on a level he couldn't comprehend. He had hurt one of his precious people. Something he promised he would never do again a day in his life. He felt her release a shaky breath and suddenly his next question slipped out before he could stop himself.

"Why do you even want this? Me? I'm only hurting you."

It was the number one question in his mind since last week. He was purposely being rough to make her realize that he was a bad choice. He was driving her away yet she kept coming back. Eagerly it seemed. Even now, he was telling her to her face that he was a bad idea and it didn't seem to faze her.

When she still didn't reply, he got a couple crazy ideas.

"I'm sorry I did this to you." he whispered quietly as he wrapped an arm gently around her waist, "Let me make it up to you."

He felt and heard her scoff in his ear at the request.

"What? You're gonna say sorry by fucking me again?"

'_**She's calling you on your bullshit…'**_

He felt as though his heart shattered from the venom that laced her voice. He ignored the pain and shoved it to the side as he brought up his other free hand and tugged down his mask and kissed below her ear. He didn't know what else he could do to say sorry. He felt so lost and so confused.

'_I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted you to leave. I'm so sorry, Sakura.'_

"I don't hear you complaining." he muttered as he kissed along her neck and smiled when he felt her sigh softly at the small pleasure he knew he was giving her.

Kakashi just let himself go on autopilot at this point. He decided he wasn't going to be rough this time. He never wanted to be rough with her again. He wanted to take away her pain, even if it was temporary. He felt her hands on his arms and slide up as delicate fingers made their way into his hair and he felt her pull his headband off and toss it somewhere behind him.

His lips found hers and he felt her apprehension slowly evaporate as she hungrily invaded his mouth. He actually relished in this encounter since he hadn't been drinking long enough to dull his senses. He tightened the arm around her waist and grabbed the back of her thigh with his other hand and pulled her up. Sakura instinctively wrapped her legs around him and he felt her gasp and wince in discomfort again.

"I'm sorry." he mumbled as he quickly steered them through the apartment and to his room, "I'm so sorry I hurt you."

He placed a knee on the bed and laid her down as gently as he could. He felt her tug at the zipper of his flak jacket and he sat up straight and quickly ripped it off and his undershirt with it. Sakura followed suit as she pulled off her own tank top. Kakashi leaned back down and kissed her deeply before he started trailing kisses downwards until her came to her bra and quickly unlatched the back and tore it off her. A quiet moan escaped her lips as he took a nipple in his mouth and began teasing her.

'_I just want to make you feel good now. I don't want to drive you away.'_

He released her with a pop and let his tongue and lips continue trailing down her toned stomach. Her heavy breathing and twitching muscles only encouraged him further. When he reached her shorts he sat back up and made a conscious effort to be as gentle as possible as he undid her button and unzipped them. He glanced up and found her laying there with her eyes closed, obviously preparing for his reaction when he saw the damage he knew was there. She raised her hips slightly so he could easily pull down the cotton shorts.

Kakashi darted his eyes to where he had spanked her last night and bit his lip when he saw the bruises that were peeking out from under her panties. The color contrasted vividly against her pale skin.

"Oh, Sakura…" he whispered as he bowed his head into her lap, "I'm so sorry…"

He couldn't move anymore as he remained hunched over her. Kakashi first felt his hands start shaking before it moved slowly to his entire body.

'_No, no, no, no…'_

It couldn't be acting up right now. Not while he was trying to apologize to her. He was tired of everything between them being about him. She deserved attention and focus too. He felt a small hand hold his face and cup his stubbled chin then and he looked up and found she had sat up and soft green eyes looking down to him.

"Don't be." she replied, "All is forgiven."

He sighed and nodded at her even though he didn't agree with it. He would never forgive himself for doing this. Knowing about it and seeing it were too completely different things. He wanted to be intentionally rough, but he did not want to inflict any sort of damage.

'_I have to make it up to her somehow… This isn't enough.'_

He resumed his earlier course of action after barely getting himself under control and pulled down the white panties laced with baby pink lace. He smirked at the article of clothing as he tossed them somewhere into the room. He had never gotten a chance to enjoy them before since they had been just tearing off the clothes to fuck. He leaned down and kissed right above her sex and felt her suck in a sharp breath as she fell back against the bed. He stood back and stripped out of his pants and boxers.

When he crawled back on top of her and Sakura put both her hands on his chest and pushed him over and crawled on top of him.

"Let me." she whispered as he stared at her in confusion.

"No, I'm supposed to be saying sor-" but he was cut off when she leaned down and kissed him.

"If you let me do this, then I'll accept your apology."

Kakashi nodded as he laid under her but wanted to do something before they proceeded. He reached down just below her right ass cheek and nudged her.

"I want to look first." he whispered.

Sakura understood his request as she sat up again and turned herself around and straddled him the other way. His eyes fell onto the bruised ass cheek and he stifled a gasp. Over half of it was covered in blue and red bruises.

"It's so much worse than I thought…" he whispered as he raised his right hand tenderly caressed the damaged flesh.

He saw Sakura half turn and look back down at him. He looked at his hand and grew angry with himself when he realized the hand that was touching the marks was the same one that created them. You could almost see the outline of his palm and fingers from the bruises.

"It's okay, Kakashi. I told you to do it. I can heal it whenever I want, I just didn't want to right away."

He dropped his hand back onto his stomach and looked up to her.

'_She didn't want to heal it right away? Why?'_

'_**Oh? Maybe she's as sick as you…'**_

Before he could ask her what that meant, she turned herself back around and reached down between them and grabbed hold of his cock and he dropped his head against his pillow as pleasure shot through him.

"Now, let me help you." she whispered as she pumped him before positioning him at her entrance and pushed herself down onto him.

Sakura dropped her head down as she propped her hands against his chest as she moaned loudly and pulled up slowly before dropping back down again. He grabbed her hips and rolled them again and she yelped in surprise at the sudden position change.

"Sorry, but I need to be the one apologizing. Maybe next time. Please still accept my apology." he grunted as he thrust back into her.

She didn't argue as he felt her snake her arms around his neck and pulled him into a deep kiss. He wasn't going to rush it this time. He wanted to fully enjoy her and for her to have at least a half decent experience. He didn't want to hurt her again or cause any pain. He paid special attention while he pumped in and out of her, not to thrust too hard or slam into her for fear of hitting her bruised bottom.

"Ahhh…" she cried out in a pleasured moan and he couldn't stop his own moan in response.

Kakashi felt one of her arms fall from his neck and trail down between them as she started playing with herself.

"Faster." she pleaded.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"I'll let you know if it hurts."

He kissed below her jaw as he thought over her statement.

"Promise?" he asked.

"I promise." she moaned as he felt her rub herself faster.

He put his weight onto his left arm and reached down and steadied her hip and thrust faster into her. Kakashi was rewarded immediately with a loud moan and he felt himself tighten as her panting drove him wild.

They spent the next few minutes relishing each other as lazy kisses were exchanged in between moans and hot breath on skin. Sakura sucked in a sudden breath and he felt her climax start as he started to thrust wildly into her to try catch up and meet his own ending.

"Ka-kas-!" she started to cry out but he captured her into a deep kiss as she came.

He couldn't bring himself to hear her say his name in a pleasurable tone. He didn't deserve to hear his name said like that. Not after hurting her. He jerked into her a few more times as he came, her own climax still riding out and sending him into a state of euphoria. He pulled out and rolled onto his back as he tried to catch his own breath. He laid there with his eyes closed for a while and listened to her come to her own senses.

'_I wonder if she'll stay this time. It's the middle of the day after all.'_ he thought before he took a deep breath and decided to take matters into his own hands.

"Let me make you din-"

It was as if the world was out to get him when a suddenly loud tapping came from his covered window and cut him off from asking her to stay.

"What's that?!" Sakura squeaked out as he felt her yank the sheet over her naked body.

'_You've got to be fucking kidding me. I haven't even been home two days.'_

"Don't worry." he mumbled as he got up, still naked, and walked to the window and drew back on the curtains, "Just a messenger hawk."

He stared bitterly at the brown bird and then to the scroll in its beak. He quickly opened the window and snatched up the item and slammed it closed and closed the curtain.

"It's a mission summons." he stated flatly as he sat back down on the edge of his bed.

It was quiet between them for a while as he sat there staring at the scroll. He had never turned down a mission before, but this time he wanted to throw the scroll back at Tsunade and tell her no. He didn't want to leave her side right now. Not after everything that's happened in the last day. He felt the bed shift again and the sheet get tossed to the side.

Kakashi frowned down at the scroll as he heard her move around the bed.

"I should probably get going then." she mumbled as he heard her shimmy on her panties and pants, "You need to prepare for that mission."

He didn't reply or move an inch as she walked past him and picked up her tank top. When she turned and opened his door is when he finally found his voice.

"Make sure you heal that."

"I will."

He looked up to her then and found her watching him with sad eyes. He wanted nothing more than to get up and kiss her and beg her to stay, but stopped himself. She obviously didn't want to stay with him.

"Promise?" he asked.

"I promise." she whispered before she turned and walked out.

He heard her slip her sandals on leave. The moment the front door clicked shut, he stood and whipped the scroll across his room and hit the wall next to his dresser with a loud thud.

'_Why won't she stay?!'_

'_**It's because you're worthless to her.'**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly must like hurting my own feelings since I keep writing these sad chapters... asdfghjkl; When will they speak up?? Also did anyone else notice the thing I did?
> 
> Please leave a review, I love hearing your thoughts on this story since it's vastly outside the realm of what I'm used to writing!
> 
> Thank you as always to Taytay95 for putting up with all my depressing works. c;


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Two and a half weeks.

Nearly three, grueling, long, and anxiety inducing weeks she didn't see him. The scroll sent to him while they were in bed must have been a priority mission since when she tried to ask Tsunade his whereabouts after a few days and got nothing in return.

_"He'll get back when he gets back. You know the protocol."_

So, everyday she would be the first to arrive to work so she could get the daily missions roster first to check if his name was on that days scheduled returns. It never was. She even picked up extra shifts to make sure she was there and when she wasn't, she let them put her on call for emergencies. God forbid. She had basically lived on take out food and only ever slept at home just to get back up and return to the hospital.

It was now day nineteen since she last saw him and she was miserable. Nineteen days since she left him sitting there in bed. God, how she regretted not staying there. Not just telling him to come lay back down and that he could wait to prepare for his mission later. She had remembered shortly after leaving that he had started speaking before they were interrupted and she was curious to what he was going to say. But, none of that mattered now since as each day that passed, her fear that something may be wrong increased tremendously.

She couldn't believe she would actually miss him that much. As promised, the moment she got home from leaving his place, she healed up that bruising. She regretted not healing it first thing in the morning like she should have. Her heart still hurt from accidentally triggering him like that. Kakashi had always been a strong and stoic man, and to watch him break down and start shaking the way he did gave her a sense of shame and guilt she soon wouldn't get over. Sakura was truly ashamed of her selfish actions. She promised to never again to keep a mark he made, accidentally or on purpose, during sex ever again.

If they ever had sex again. Their last encounter was completely different from the previous ones. He was gentle and attentive. He focused entirely on her. The amount of care he showed towards not causing any form of pain had made her feel a whole new sense emotions towards him.

She also made a new resolve to try and be there more than just physically. She wanted him to know she could help him when he broke down. Now if he would just return home so she could be there for him…

As she walked into the lobby that morning, the front clerk handed her the roster she knew Sakura would ask for. The moment she read the list she gasped when _his_ name was at the top.

_'He's already here?!'_

She slammed down the file and all but ran to the shinobi clinic. Rounding the corner she collided with another nurse and yelped.

"Oh my! I'm _so_ sorry!" the pinkette said as she picked the files she knocked out of the nurses hand.

"That's fine, Sakura-san! I was actually coming to let you know Kakashi Hatake is here and, well, you know the drill with him. That's his file too." the brown eyed woman said with a smile as she handed back one of the files to her.

Sakura felt as a blush worked its way to her cheeks. Her eagerness to see the jounin gave her a mild form of tunnel vision.

"Thank you." Sakura bowed deeply before she walked past the nurse and towards Kakashi's room.

She didn't knock as she walked in and stopped dead in her tracks when her eyes landed on him.

"Kakashi?" she gasped as she walked up to him with a hand covering her mouth.

To say the man looked horrible was an understatement. He wasn't wearing his headband or flak jacket as he sat on the examination table. He looked like death worn over. His eyes looked lifeless and hollow and his clothing was torn and tattered as it hung a bit loosely on his frame.

'_What the hell happened?'_

"Yo." he said in a weak voice and she felt the threat of tears overcome her, but forced them to stay at bay.

"Wh-what happened?" she whispered as she reached up and hooked a finger into his mask and pulled it down.

He didn't protest as she did so and she was surprised with herself that she did such a thing, but she was running on autopilot at that point. She had to look away when she saw how much more lifeless his face looked. You could see the weight loss clearly in his cheeks. She saw the file she was still holding and opened it to get her answers. She didn't read the roster list beyond his name so she didn't know what happened.

_Hatake Kakashi_

_Blood Type: O_

_DOB: Sept. 15_

_Ninja Reg #: 009720_

_Current Rank: Jonin - S Class_

_Mission Brief: S rank. Solo mission. Intelligence gathering in western Fire Nation._

"I got captured on my last day." he explained as she read the briefing.

She jerked up and looked at him in disbelief. Kakashi had never been captured before, so this was big. Something big had to have happened for him to either slip up or get overwhelmed to get captured.

"When was your last day?" she asked quietly, fearing the worst.

"The mission was supposed to last only three days."

Sakura met his eyes as he confirmed her fear. It hurt her to see no light coming from him. She just wanted to wrap him in a hug and never let go.

'_Oh, Kakashi…'_

"You were a prisoner of war for those two weeks…"

Kakashi just nodded once to confirm her timeline.

"Wha-what happened? You've never been captured before." she dared asking.

Dark eyes narrowed at her and she felt awful asking the question.

"I got overwhelmed. Well… distracted."

Sakura sucked in a breathe. Her anxiety soared through the roof from his answer.

'_He can't continue at this rate. If he goes back out there… He'll get himself killed for sure.'_

"I know I asked before and you said no, but I just need to ask again for my own sake." she began in a quiet voice, "You said you got overwhelmed… You weren't drinking, were you?"

The icy glare she received in reply confirmed the answer she already knew and she smiled through her sigh of relief.

"Okay… Thank you. Now, get undressed. I'll be right back, I'm going to go get you a new shirt and pants." she said as she sat the file down on the cart next to her and walked out without another word.

Sakura sprinted down the hall and turned into the reception area and found the clerk.

"Once I'm done with Kakashi Hatake's exam, I'll be out for the rest of the day." she said and turned and walked away again before the woman could utter a word.

'_I need to be there for him…' _she thought to herself as she made her side stop and grabbed the new clothing for him. The shinobi clinic had a supply of standard issue clothing for this exact reason, coming back in tatters.

She knocked a couple times before she walked back into his room and found him sitting in just his boxers. The medic couldn't believe the state he was in. He looked like he had lost a great deal of weight, both fat and muscle. He was lean with muscle before, but now he looked lanky and malnourished with some bones jutting out awkwardly and nearly all his ribs were visible.

She sat the pile of clothes on the counter and quickly got her supplies and made her way over to him.

"They obviously starved you." she said passively as she used the otoscope to check his ears and eyes before pulling out her stethoscope and listening to his heart and lungs and noted a small rasp in his right lung.

"Starved me, wouldn't let me sleep, left me in either deafening silence or noises so loud I thought I'd lose my hearing." he mumbled as she moved to strap the blood pressure cuff to his arm, "The list goes on and on."

She pursed her lips as she wrote down his vitals and her comments on his current state.

"They were obviously trying to get information out of you?" she asked as she used the reflex hammer on his knee and smiled softly to herself when his leg twitched.

"Didn't get a single word out of me." his voice showing slight arrogance, "I'd rather die than let the village fall to the enemy."

Sakura shot him a dirty look at his last statement and he just rose a brow at her in response. She knew of his strong sense of the Will of Fire, but sometimes he pushed how far his dedication towards the village was. She tossed the instrument onto the cart and stood straight again.

"Lay down, I want to check all your major organs for damage and major muscle groups for any lasting atrophy from your weight loss and captivity." she explained.

She spent the next thirty minutes methodically examining every nook and cranny of his body and healing, repairing, and soothing anything she came across. From a simple scratch on his shoulder to the rasp in his right lung and finally a torn muscle she found in his thigh. She healed everything. She _needed_ to heal everything. If she didn't, who would?

"Okay, you're good." she said as she dissipated her chakra and took a half step back.

She took a couple deep breathes then, she hadn't focused that hard on healing since the Fourth Great War she felt like. When he sat up, he did a half stretch and a small groan of relief escaped him.

"That feels much better." he happily said, "Thank you, Sakura."

She smiled big at him and nodded before she switched to a more serious mood.

"I may have healed all of the damage, but I can't fix the significant amount of weight and muscle mass you've lost. I can't fix the sleep loss either. I can't sign you off right away to return to duty. I want you to rest up for a month." she informed him.

Like she expected, his face showed surprised like she told him he could no longer be a ninja and his career was over with.

"What? No, I can't take a month off." Kakashi argued.

Sakura crossed her arms and shook her head.

"It's a month or three months. I'd personally it to be six months so you can properly recover and retrain your muscles, but I know you won't have that. So those are your two options. Choose wisely because I'm the one who gets the final say at your follow up appointment down the road."

Kakashi narrowed his eyes at her and she stood her ground against him. He quickly realized he would not win this argument.

"Fine." he bit back as he shagged his shoulders.

Dropping her arms, she gave him a warm smile and nodded.

"You can get dressed, but don't leave right away. I'm going to drop your file off and get my stuff."

Kakashi looked at her with confusion clearly written on his gaunt face.

"I'm coming home with you."

If it wasn't for the situation, she would have thought his next surprised look was cute. She was mainly only going home with him to make sure he took care of himself and partially because she wanted to be with him right now for her own selfish needs. He had been gone for nearly three weeks, she deserved some alone time with him she reasoned.

"You don't ha-" he started to argue again but she held her finger up to silence him.

"I'm not arguing this either." she stated flatly, "If you're not here when I get back, there will be hell to raise."

The slight twitch of his brow told her that she had made her point. With that, she turned and left and was back within five minutes. She was happy to see him dressed in the fresh clothes and standing with his hands in his pockets.

'_He must have lost nearly everything else while on the mission…'_

* * *

The walk back to his apartment was quiet. Mainly because he had no idea what to say and she seemed to be okay with the silence since she looked content as they made their way through the busy streets. Half way home, Sakura dragged him into a grocery store and told him they were getting some stuff for his place and he reluctantly followed along. An hour and four bags of groceries later, they were back on the street and headed home.

'_Why is she doing this?'_ he idly thought to himself.

'_**She feels guilty…'**_

Kakashi blinked when the low voice spoke and glanced around his surroundings and found no one within his ear shot that could've spoken that. He quickly shook off the odd feeling and focused on keeping up with Sakura as they rounded the block and approached his apartment building.

He knew she was concerned for him. That was obvious. The last two weeks had been absolute hell and he thought it would never end. He wouldn't tell her she was the reason for both being caught and surviving. At least not right now. He knew it would hurt her if he told her now.

He had been thinking about her and their weird arrangement when they snuck up on him and caught him off guard. And it was Sakura that kept him alive too. As he sat in the cell being forced to stay awake for days at a time, he would think about her and the way she looked the second time they had gotten together. The way the sunset made her glow and how it made a sense of warmth he hadn't felt in years return to him. When they would try and break him with the deafening silence, the noise, and even waterboarding, he would tune them out and replay the various interactions he's had with Sakura.

Particularly the first time they got together. He had been rough, but he ignored that and replayed the ending they shared after orgasming. The peace he felt as he held her in his arms. The soft sigh she had let out as he felt her trail lazy circles on his back had given him a sense of belonging he had never felt before. It was something he craved intensely since that night.

He came to a conclusion during one of the endless days that he wouldn't try and push her away anymore. He would let her do her thing and he wouldn't try and deny himself it anymore. If something happened, it happened. But, he wouldn't get his hopes up. That only ended in more pain for him.

It was just jarring coming home to her and she was there immediately, but she was different. She was purposely going out of her way for him now. More so than before. Like she found out about his decision and was agreeing wholeheartedly.

At least he was hoping she was doing that.

"You sit down and relax. I'm going to cook us some lunch." Sakura said as they entered his place and sat the groceries on the counter, "Wait, no. I'll need you to take out the trash in a minute."

Kakashi took a step back and stared at her as she began fussing around the kitchen. Like this was normal for them. Something had changed in her in these last few weeks and it only left him confused. What conclusion had she come to herself is she even came to one? He just stood there and watched as she opened the fridge and cringed at the smell coming from it before she started taking everything out and throwing it in the trash bag she had grabbed from under his sink.

"Here." she said as she handed the now full bag to him.

He silently took it and walked out of his apartment and threw it in the bin. Upon his return he found her putting the remainder of the groceries they got except for a couple ingredients that he figured would be the meal she told him about.

'_She's acting odd. Or is this normal? I don't know anymore. What happened while I was gone?'_

'_**She pities you…'**_

Kakashi jerked and looked behind him to find that no one was there. It was the same voice he had heard when they were walking home minutes earlier. He quickly glanced back over to Sakura and found her attention was on washing the vegetables she was about to cut up. He quickly realized that she hadn't heard the voice and that it was obviously him who could only hear it. Shaking his head to clear his worrying thoughts, he decided to take a seat at the table and watched her work for the next nearly an hour.

"Enjoy!" she said with a smile as she sat a small bowl of rice topped with sauteed beef and vegetables in front of him and sat down next to him with her own bowl, "I didn't want to give you something too rich since your stomach has definitely shrunk."

"Why are you doing this?" he finally asked as he stared down at the delicious smelling food and felt himself start to salivate.

There was a pause where she didn't speak and he looked over and found her regarding him warmly.

"If I don't, who will?"

Kakashi stared at her in disbelief. He wanted to lean over and kiss her, but stopped himself as he gave her a tight lipped smile and nodded. He definitely wasn't going to keep trying to question her motives with him like he promised himself. Her response said it all. After he left for his mission he decided he wasn't going to try and push her away anymore either, he never did want to push her away. He definitely wasn't going to lay a hand on her like he had before. He couldn't handle seeing her in pain again.

They enjoyed the meal together and Kakashi felt the best he did in two weeks after it. It was the first real meal he had. Being starved was pretty rough and he wasn't happy with how his body took it and wouldn't admit with how weak he had been feeling. When reinforcements finally freed him, he could barely eat a bowl of rice at the time. Sakura grabbed their bowls and chopsticks and sat them in the sink before turning and holding her hand out to him.

"Come shower with me." she said before she laughed quietly at his confused look, "Stop questioning everything!"

'_It's like she actually read my mind. Just go with it. It's like this is some dream world.'_

'_**Enjoy it while it lasts…'**_

He took her hand and ignored the voice and let her lead him across the apartment and into the tiny bathroom. He couldn't find his words as he watched her take the hair tie from her wrist and tie her hair into a top bun after she took off her headband. Kakashi found his bearings when she stripped off her tank top and unhooked her bra and quickly pulled off his own shirt and tossed it in the hamper. Seconds later he found himself standing naked with her under the spray of warm water.

It felt slightly odd, he had never shared a shower with a woman before. It felt so intimate to him. He didn't want her sexually in that moment. He just wanted to enjoy this moment with her. It was a new and foreign to him form of intimacy.

"I don't need to shower since I did this morning, but you definitely need a good scrub." she said as she reached past him and grabbed his loofah and soap.

"You calling me stinky?" he teased with a smirk as he watched her pour out a large amount of the body wash onto the loofah and lather it up in her hands.

"Maaaybe." she sang sweetly as she rubbed the loofah across his chest and the scent of his body wash filled the humid air around them.

He felt his heart flutter at her tone and touch. He had no idea what the hell was going on. The common theme it seemed for his day so far. Before he left nearly three weeks ago, things had been so tense and awkward between them. But now? It was like none of that ever happened and this was completely normal. What they were doing was completely normal. He never thought he'd been standing in his shower with Sakura as she washed his body.

He glanced down to look at her ass and smiled to himself when he saw the marks were no longer there. She had kept her promise to him. He never wanted to be the cause of another bruise or any pain again for her.

He took a step towards her and closed the distance between them. When she looked up at him, he swooped down and kissed her deeply. He relished in the content sigh that left her and felt the loofah that was on his side trail down as she lost her attention. It was the first kiss they shared in weeks and it better than he hoped.

He reached out and grabbed the forgotten item and used his other arm to snake around her waist and pulled her flush against him. He smiled into the kissed when she let out a quiet gasp at his action and then hum when she felt him drag the soapy loofah across her back in lazy circles, effectively covering them both in the body wash.

They stood like that for a while slowly kissing and enjoying the moment before she pulled back and he found her looking absolutely dizzy with pleasure.

"Okay, enough." she lightly chided him with a smile as she found herself again, "The goal is to clean you up, not make out. I'd rather we finish this up before we run out of hot water!"

"I suppose. It is getting pretty _steamy_ in here." he couldn't help the horrible pun, but the exasperated scoff he got in reply was well worth it.

He just hummed happily and nodded as he stepped back pulled them back into the spray of water to rinse the soap off. The rest of the shower was uneventful as he quickly washed his hair and they got out.

He wrapped a towel around his waist while she wrapped her own around her petite frame, she leaned down and grabbed her panties before she looked over to him and looked slightly embarrassed.

"Can I borrow a shirt?"

Kakashi cocked his head to the side as he nodded and walked out towards his room.

"Yeah. Are you staying for a while or something?" he dared asking back as he pulled an old sleep shirt out his dresser and tossed it to her.

"For the time being." she whispered as she dropped the towel and shrugged the shirt on and then her panties.

_'Is she actually going to stay through the night though?'_ he wondered as he pulled on a pair of boxers and sweats.

'_**Don't get your hopes up…'**_

He froze momentarily, but ignored it yet again as a noise pulled his attention away and towards his bed.

Sakura pulled back his quilt and crawled into his bed and he realized that she was definitely staying. He felt his heart speed up as the nerves crept up. There was no way this was actually happening as the anxiety took over and he froze in place. This had to be a dream he reasoned. He must still be in the P.O.W. camp and passed out from exhaustion. Or maybe he had finally been killed and this was heaven? Was Sakura his idea of heaven?

"Are you okay?" she asked suddenly as she turned back towards him and looked worried.

He just stared at her as she got back out of the bed and walked up and touched his cheek and then his forehead.

"Do you feel faint? You're not warm. Do you have a headache?" she asked while she grabbed his wrist and started checking his pulse, "Are you seeing things okay? No blurred vision or hallucinations?"

"I'm fine." he spoke up in a barely there whisper, "I'm just… tired is all."

_'More like I'm completely confused by all this, but I don't dare ask what's going on. I'm afraid you'll leave if I do. I think I'm hearing voices too…'_

"Then come lay down. You've been through enough lately, you need to rest."

Kakashi just hummed again as he let Sakura lead him over to the bed and he crawled after her. He felt confused since every time they were in his bed before, they were having sex. But now he was quite sure that wasn't going to happen. He didn't even feel tired as he laid down. He honestly couldn't even tell what he was feeling at that moment since so many thoughts and emotions were swirling around inside of him. When Sakura snuggled up next to him, he thought for sure he had really died and gone to Heaven.

_'I have to be dreaming… This has to be a dream.' _he thought as a sudden yawn came to him, _'Maybe I am tired after all… I didn't sleep much after they rescued me anyways.'_

He felt as Sakura sighed happily when he turned and wrapped an arm around her and pulled her a little closer.

"Just relax." she whispered, "I'm not going anywhere."

He closed his eyes and scooted down and buried his head into the crook of her neck. He felt as her hands wrapped around his neck and shoulders and hold him close. Her fingers drew lazy circled across his shoulders and before he knew it, he was asleep.

_'Please stay…'_

'_**She only pities you…'**_

_Kakashi blinked and found himself in a gray haze, unable to see far in any direction._

'_Am I dreaming?'_

'_**She'll leave soon enough… She only feels bad for using you then.'**_

_He whipped around when the voice spoke again. It was unrecognizable, but he felt like he had heard it before but couldn't pinpoint where._

'_Where am I? Who was that?'_

'_**Why would she ever care about you? Ka-ka-shi.'**_

_Kakashi jumped back when the deep gravelly voice sounded in his left ear. Taking a defensive stance, he prepared for a fight. When his eyes caught the movement of a figure, he lost his breath and stumbled back a few more steps but managed to regain his footing._

'_**So… you can finally see me, eh?'**_

_He remained speechless as the figure stood there in the haze. It wasn't a human, but had a shape of a man. The only thing that confirmed to Kakashi that this thing wasn't a man was he stood nearly twenty feet tall and he was completely black with two beady red eyes._

'_**You've done a good job keeping me at bay. I've been trying to speak to you for months, but you always kept me just… barely stashed away.'**_ _the figure reached out and pointed at him with a long and spindly finger._

_Kakashi took a few more steps back as his fight of flight was screaming for him to run._

'_**There's no point in running. I'll always be there to remind you.'**_

'_Remind me of what?' he thought to himself as he continued backing away._

'_**Remind you of just how worthless you are!' **__the thing roared as it lunged at him._

Kakashi jerked then as he gasped for air. He instinctively reached over still half asleep and when he grasped nothing, it stirred him further awake. Cracking open an eye, he found the room was dark and there was no one next to him.

_'Did I really sleep for that long?'_

He reached out and touched the other side of the bed and found it cold.

_'She left… I knew it…'_

He rolled over onto his back and stared up into the darkness. The heavy feeling returned to his chest, but tenfold. Kakashi thought he was going to suffocate as the loneliness took over.

'_Why did I think that it was different now?'_

'_**I told you so…'**_

He shot up in bed and frantically scanned the room for that _thing_ and found nothing. Kakashi pressed his face into his hands then as he let out a long sigh.

'_What the hell is going on…'_

The sudden sound of a cabinet closing in his kitchen ripped his attention from his thoughts. He quietly got up and walked to the door and listened in case it was an intruder or enemy. When he heard soft humming and the smell of something cooking he realized it was her.

She was still there and he couldn't help the smile that came to him.

_'She never left.'_

* * *

Sakura hummed along as she set the table. She and Kakashi had fallen asleep shortly after laying down and she woke a couple hours later while he remained fast asleep.

_'I couldn't imagine being forcefully deprived of sleep. And, for a man who loves to nap and sleep whenever he can…'_

Instead of just laying there until he woke up, which she had no clue if it would be another hour or five, Sakura decided to get up and tidy up the apartment for him. She hadn't much else to do and she noticed that the place could use some TLC. He had started cleaning it before he went on this last mission, so she figured she could finish it.

It took her a little while to untangle herself from Kakashi. He had cozied up to her and basically had himself wrapped around her. She thought it was the cutest thing ever and contemplated briefly if she should just stay and relish in the unconscious affection.

Once she got out, she squared her shoulders and started cleaning. Her first course of action was to catch up his laundry and quietly stepped around the bedroom and gathered up anything that was laying on the floor. Grabbing their towels and a shirt that was laying next to the dresser, Sakura noticed a large dent on the wall right above it when she stood.

'_It looks like he threw something pretty hard against the wall. Why though?'_ as she ran her finger over the decent sized dent, '_It looks like a scroll hit it or something?'_

After she started her first load and gathered up the rest of his clothes and towels, plus her clothes, Sakura wiped down his bathroom from top to bottom and scrubbed his tub, sink, and toilet.

_'I'd question why he lived like this if I didn't know about his issues…'_

Once she was done she worked on the living room and gathered the remaining loose empty liquor bottles and the empty food container that laid on his coffee table. She gathered up all of his trash and made a second bag that she sat outside his front door to be taken to the trash can since all she was wearing right then was one of his t-shirts and her panties.

She did every single dirty dish he had and even dried and put them away before she realized the time and decided to start making them dinner. Sakura picked a simple soup for dinner since she didn't want to upset his stomach after being nearly starved to death over the last two weeks. Once she got everything in the stock, she covered the pot and swept and dusted the apartment from top to bottom while everything simmered before she added the noodles. She would wake him up before then, so they could enjoy the meal together.

After quickly switching the load of laundry and starting up the last load, she went out to the kitchen and grabbed the bowls and silverware. The cabinet door slammed shut and she cringed and prayed she didn't wake him up. She stood there for a minute and when no noise came from the bedroom she figured she was safe and continued to set the table.

The sound of the bedroom door opening a few seconds later pulled her from the little song she had been humming to and she scolded herself for waking him.

"I'm sorry. I accidentally slammed a cabinet door. Did I wake you up?" she apologized as she faced him.

He stood in the doorway, obviously still half asleep, looking still just as confused as he did earlier.

Sakura understood the confusion, but chose to ignore it. After seeing the effects and hearing briefly about the horrors he had to go through, she decided in that examination room that she wasn't going to skirt around him anymore. She was going to be there as much as possible. Both physically and emotionally. He already knew he could use her physically, but she wanted him to know she would be there beyond that too. She knew he didn't want anything beyond something physical, but it didn't hurt to show him that there could be more, right?

He hadn't pushed her away yet, so she had at least that much going for her.

"No, I woke up a few minutes before that. Figured I'd get up since it looks like I've been out a while." Kakashi mumbled as he looked around the apartment, "Did you clean?"

She sat down the spoons she had been holding and walked over to him.

"I did and you were. It's after eight now, it was nearly noon when we fell asleep. I woke up after a couple hours and I didn't want to just lay there because I wasn't sure when you'd wake up." she explained with a smile, "I almost didn't want to get up because you were snuggled up to me so tightly it took me forever to get out of bed."

She stifled a happy laugh when she saw him look slightly embarrassed from her telling him about his unconscious actions.

"The entire place is cleaned, besides the bedding, and the last of the laundry is in the dryer right now. Dinner is almost done too, I just have to put the noodles in."

She reached out and laced her fingers with his and he obediently followed her to the kitchen. She still couldn't gauge how he was feeling about her sudden consistent presence and it worried her slightly. She wanted to be there for him, but she didn't want to over step and cause any more issues than needed.

Dinner was delicious and quiet. She was so happy to see that Kakashi ate three hefty servings of the soup. She was so scared when she saw how malnourished he looked after losing so much weight. Kakashi was never a large man to begin with, he was lean with muscle and simply strong. So now he looked sickly due to the muscle and fat loss from captivity.

It could take him a couple months to gain the weight back and train his muscles to at least be somewhat near their original mass. She worried that she gave in too easily when she gave him a month for recovery. Hell, even the three months she offered wasn't long enough. She'd prefer if he did four to six with physical therapy, but she knew immediately that the jounin would have no part in that.

'_I'll need to talk to Tsunade-shisou about not assigning him any high rank missions for a few months… He needs to ease back in, not rush this.'_

"That was delicious, thank you." he spoke up after he put his bowl down.

"You look a million times better." Sakura smiled as she stood up and grabbed the dirty dishes, "You have some color to you now."

She heard his chair scoot back while she was working at the sink and suddenly felt large hands rest on her hips. She let out a content sigh when he kissed her behind her ear. She couldn't help but feel a little smug as a smile came to her.

'_He obviously doesn't want me to leave right now.'_

"How are you feeling?" she asked as she turned the water off and dried her hands.

Sakura turned in his hold and snaked her arms up and around his neck and was rewarded with him leaning down and kissing her deeply.

"_"A million times better."_" he teased lightly when he pulled back, "Best I've felt in weeks."

The pinkette smiled brightly up to him at the cheerful tone he spoke in. It really did seem like he was feeling back to normal. Her mind briefly flickered to his state of mind before he left on this mission and worried that soon this current streak of happiness would come to a screeching halt at some point in the near future. She didn't want him to suffer like that anymore, but for right now she wouldn't worry.

"Good." she whispered as she felt his hands tease up her shirt and his hands slip under and snaked up her back.

Attempting to be daring and take the initiative, Sakura nudged him backwards as she leaned up on her tiptoes to kiss him. Kakashi immediately figured out her motive when his hands darted from under the shirt as he grabbed the back of her thighs and hoisted her up.

"Kakashi!" she gasped as she wrapped her legs around him, "You shouldn't be doing any heavy lifting!"

She felt him hum against her as he turned and walked them towards them towards the bedroom.

"A feather like you is going to do no harm. Plus, I might as well start gaining back that muscle loss. Or as you doctors call it, "_physical therapy."_"he teased again.

She just pouted as he sat her down on the bed. She had zero time to react when he grabbed the edge of her shirt and pulled it up and off, leaving her in just her panties.

_'Finally… I've missed him so much.'_

Sakura decided to be daring as she reached over and hooked two fingers into the waistband of his sweats and pulled them forward and down, quickly leaving him in just his boxers.

"You're a bit eager." he chuckled as he leaned over and kissed her.

She reached back over then while he kissed her and repeated the same process and wrapped her fingers around him and started stroking his half hard cock. Kakashi groaned as she pleased him and felt her confidence skyrocket.

"I haven't seen you in nearly three weeks, what do you expect?" she sang when he scooted them further onto the bed.

Kakashi just hummed as he quickly discarded her panties and reached up and ran his finger between her folds. Sakura gasped as she felt his fingers quickly locate her clit and rub a couple times. She released her hold of him as she fell back against the bed and moaned loudly. Kakashi was between her legs a moment later and she felt him kiss her thigh before his tongue replaced his fingers.

"Fuck!" she cried out as the first wave of pleasure hit her.

She instinctively squirmed from the foreign feeling and intense pleasure that radiated throughout her. Large hands pushed open her thighs further and held them down as his tongue trailed down and teased her entrance.

"Kakashi, I'm gonna cum." Sakura panted as she buried her fingers in his hair.

His tongue darted back up at her revelation and she felt two fingers enter her and curl upwards. Sakura slammed her head against the pillow as her orgasm ripped through her and her mind went blank. He had managed to make her come in mere seconds.

"Kakashi!" she cried out as she felt his fingers and tongue continue to work their magic.

He pulled out of her and she felt him kiss up her body to her neck before he found and kissed her softly. They continued like that for a while, lazy kisses and wandering hands roamed all over hot skin.

Sakura couldn't believe how gentle he was being. The amount of attention he was giving her made her feel like a goddess. She felt like he was worshiping her as he kissed over every inch of her, eliciting moans and sighs from both of them.

* * *

Kakashi felt her grab his shoulder and nudge him back gently.

"Roll over." she spoke quietly when he broke away from the kiss they had been sharing.

Deciding to just go along with it, he obliged as he pushed himself off of her and rolled onto his back. Sakura quickly sat up and crawled on top of him and straddled his lap.

"You promised me that next time I could be on top." she explained as she leaned down and placed a soft kiss on his shoulder.

He didn't know what overcame him then, but he let out a soft laugh at her statement. As expected, Sakura looked up to him in confusion and he couldn't help himself as he started laughing harder and the priceless way she regarded him.

"I'm sorry." he said when he took a breath in attempts to settle himself down, "I… I just feel… really happy right now."

Sakura instantly smiled huge when the weight of the words sank in and soon she was giggling along with him as she leaned up and kissed him deeply.

"I'm so relieved to hear that." she whispered when they broke for air.

'_What is she doing to me?'_

'_**She's tricking you…'**_

Kakashi forced himself to ignore the voice. He wasn't going to let it bother him right now. He _couldn't_ let it bother him. For her. He needed to let go with her in this moment.

Sakura moved and started kissing along his jaw and he felt her fingers trail downwards along his sides in between them before she wrapped them around his cock. He left out a soft sigh as she stroked him a couple times. Together they guided him against her entrance and he groaned as she sank down onto him.

"Fuck…"

"Oh, Kakashi…" she moaned in return as she rolled her hips as she started up a slow rhythm.

Kakashi pulled her down for a kiss as the pleasure shot through him. This was definitely the best he had felt in weeks. Granted, anything was better than being a prisoner of war. But through all the suffering it was her that helped him survive. It was Sakura that healed him when he returned. It was her, here with him now, making sure he was still okay.

He suddenly didn't want to die anymore. He let his fingers tangle into her hair as he deepened the kiss. He didn't want to be alone anymore. He wanted her to stay. Stay with him.

Be with him.

Breaking the kiss for air, he felt her press her forehead against his momentarily as she shuddered a sigh. She obviously felt good too right now. He opened his eyes and watched her as hers remained closed. Her mouth was slightly agape as she panted and moaned as she continued to pump herself up and down on him. Flyaway pink hairs clung to her forehead as the rest curtained around them.

"You're so beautiful." he whispered.

She opened her eyes and he was greeted with green eyes that shone bright as she smiled down to him. Sakura gave him a quick peck before she winked at him.

"You're not that bad looking either." she playfully teased.

Kakashi just smiled up to her as he brought a hand down from her hair and held her tenderly as he let his thumb stroke her cheek.

"Thank you." he spoke as he pulled her in for a kiss, "For everything."

He let his hands fall away from her face and ran them down her back. He massaged her ass as he guided her into a quicker pace where he could begin thrusting up into her. He could tell she was nearing her next orgasm from her soft whimpers in between their kisses and he wasn't far behind himself. Kakashi hadn't ever had such sensual sex before in his life. This whole experience has been ground breaking for him. He didn't have a clue what he was doing, but with Sakura, it was okay. He just wanted to make her feel good, physically and emotionally too now. He never wanted to cause her any pain ever again.

That weighed heavy on him during their time apart. All he could think of was her and the countless ways he could and would attempt to make it up to her while he was captured. This was a start. A good start. It would be a while before he would forgive himself for leaving those bruises and seeing her wince in pain as a result.

"Touch me." she whined as she broke their kiss and dropped her head into the crook of his neck.

How could he not at such a erotic request? He reached in between them as he continued to help her keep her pace and quickly located her clit and teased around it.

"Oh, oh! Kaka-hmmm." Sakura cried out against his neck from his actions.

He felt her involuntarily tighten around him and he grunted loudly as he felt his balls tighten up in response.

"You're killing me, Sakura…" he groaned low as he kissed the side of her head as he decided to stop playing around as he made quick work of that bundle of nerves. It didn't take long for him to get his reward.

"Ahh, Kaka-ohh!" she yelled as he felt her grip on his biceps tighten.

Kakashi dropped his head back against the pillows and moaned loudly as Sakura's orgasm came to her and felt her climax around him. He started thrusting up into her faster as she rode out her climax and found his own not long after when he jerked into her a couple times as he felt himself release.

* * *

Sakura felt him cum as she came down from her orgasm. She felt as strong arms wrapped around her waist and hugged her close. She sighed and relished in how content she felt then. How vulnerable, yet safe, she felt.

They laid there for a while once he came down from his own high. Soon that content feeling dissipated as reality set in.

'_I'm staying with him tonight.' _she declared to herself_, 'No more chickening out.'_

Sakura closed her eyes as she listened to his heart beat slow down from their previous activities and found it soothing to listen too. She felt one of his arms loosen from around her waist and soon felt his fingers gently brushed some hair out of her face. Opening her eyes, she peeked over and found Kakashi regarding her warmly.

"Thank you."

"There's no need to thank me." she replied as she leaned over and kissed the corner of his mouth.

Shifting and letting him slip out of her, Sakura scooted off of him and made to lay down next to him. Before she knew it, she felt bed dip as he propped himself up on an elbow and felt the blankets get pulled over her and his bodies. She looked up to him and found him focused on covering them up and she couldn't stop the smile that came to her.

'_He wants me to stay the night.'_

When he made to lay back down, she didn't have to question her next moves as he moved his arm up so she could lay closer to him. Sakura let out a content sigh as she rested her head against his shoulder and wrap wrapped an arm protectively around him.

"Get some rest now, okay?" she spoke quietly to him.

She heard him yawn and smiled to herself again before she heard him hum in agreement. It wasn't long before she drifted off herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned into a wordy beast by accident but I couldn't not include it all and there was no way I was going to split this chapter in two. 
> 
> Things are looking up! But is it really? There's definitely a shit ton of unanswered questions that I need to figure out. Both of them still haven't used their words and so they're so, so confused still, but they're just playing along with this new side like it's fine and dandy. But will it actually work?
> 
> Please let me know what you guys think of this monster chapter. What do you think is going to happen next? 
> 
> Thank you as always to Taytay95 for being a amazing beta that rocked this chapters edits. *hugs*


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Kakashi had never slept so peacefully before.

He was so scared she was going to leave that he laid there holding her for a while after she fell asleep. He was nervous she would wake up and leave the moment he fell asleep. He felt odd feeling so insecure about her leaving, but he couldn't help it. When she started softly snoring, he concluded that she wasn't going anywhere anytime soon and grew tired and allowed himself to finally fall asleep.

'_She's staying with me…'_

Movement stirred him from his dreamless slumber, but a soft and soothing voice spoke before he could fully wake.

"I'm not going anywhere. Sleep. I'll be right back."

His mind and body didn't argue that request and he quickly let sleep consume him again. Soon after he was consumed by vivid dreams. Good dreams. Sakura was in all of them of them.

_They were sitting on a bench in a random park in the first one, neither saying a word to the other. When he turned to look at her he found her reading a book and glanced down and saw a gold band on her ring finger._

'_Is she married?'_

"_You ready to go home?" her voice pulled him from staring at the ring and looked up to see her smiling bright at him._

'_Home?'_

_Before he could reply, everything faded from around him into a gray haze._

_When he blinked again, he was suddenly standing in a crowd of people. He looked down he found himself wearing a yukata. The sound of a bang made him jerk and look towards the sky, where he found a colorful array of fireworks lighting up the crowds. He felt a hand snake through his arm and looked down to see who was doing it and found Sakura standing next to him as she hugged his arm before resting her head on his shoulder and smiling up to him._

"_You're missing out on the fireworks, dear."_

_He opened mouth to speak, but the world faded out again and he groaned in frustration before he yelled._

"_What is this?!"_

"Kakashi?"

_He looked around in the gray haze trying to locate the voice. Her voice. He couldn't see a damn thing in this suffocating darkness and he was growing more frustrated. Where was she? She had to be close enough since he could hear her so clearly. He craned his neck in every direction in hopes to see something. Anything. He was annoyed that he couldn't find his voice._

"Kakashi!"

_He jerked back around when it came from another direction, this time in distress. Fear flooded him as his senses went on overdrive. Something was wrong. Was she in danger? Where the hell was she? Why couldn't he move from where he was standing? Why couldn't he speak?!_

'_**You're setting yourself up for failure…'**_

_His head craned up as the figure lumbered and swayed back and forth as it stepped out of the haze and made itself known to him._

'_No…'_

'_**Why are you trying so hard to be something you're not? To have something that you don't deserve?'**_

_Suddenly Sakura appeared right in front of the black figure and he gasped. She was just standing there with no emotion showing. It was like she didn't know she was in danger._

"_Sakura!" he yelled out to her as he sprinted towards her._

_An earth shattering roar erupted from the beast and he fell back while covering his ears. It reminded him of the Ten Tails and how it screeched. He watched as the beast swiped down towards Sakura and she evaporated before his very eyes._

"_No!" he screamed._

'_**All good things eventually come to an end, Ka-ka-shi!'**_

"Kakashi, please wake up!"

_At the sound of her voice, everything disappeared and he was enveloped in complete blackness. He suddenly stopped dead and sat up when he heard that. Something brushed against his cheek and he instinctively reached up and felt nothing there. It had felt like someone was touching his cheek._

'_What's going on?'_

"Please wake up!" he heard the cry as a plea in his ear next as a slight pressure was felt in his chest.

Kakashi blinked and was suddenly blinded by bright light and groaned quietly as he screwed his eyes shut.

"Kakashi?!"

This time her voice was much louder and clearer.

"Sakura?" he spoke, finally finding his voice.

He felt something lay half onto his chest then hands held his head and a happy laugh erupt.

"You're awake! Thank goodness!" he heard her call out happily.

He cracked open an eye again and squinted back into the bright light and found nothing but a mess of pink hair directly in his field of view.

"I'm awake?" he asked as he opened his other eye and blinked a couple more times as his eyes finally adjusted to the light.

Her head moved then and he had worried green eyes staring him down.

"You were having a nightmare!" she said next.

'_Nightmare? Not to start… but to end? Yes…'_

He looked away from her and realized he was in his bedroom. He was in bed with Sakura. Memories of yesterday slowly made his way back to him.

'_She stayed.'_

"What do you mean?" he asked, looking back to the pinkette.

Sakura pushed herself off his chest and sat up next to him and continued to looked extremely worried as she spoke next.

"I was sleeping next to you and suddenly you just shouted. You scared me awake! I thought something was wrong with you and found your face twisted up and you were twitching and jerking. It took me minutes to wake you! Every time I said your name you just jerked in response and your breathing became erratic. You were crying out too! You yelled my name!"

'_That's because I was trying to save you…'_ he thought to himself as he sat up and rubbed his face.

"You don't remember any of that, do you?" she added.

He looked over and studied her worry stricken face for a moment and shook his head no. He didn't want to try and explain what he just experience in his dreams. At least not right now. He needed to figure a few things out himself before he could tell her. Like what did those dreams even mean? Why was she in every single one? Why was this beast or thing using her to toy with him?

"How do you feel then?" she continued as she reached out and touched his forehead then his cheek, "No headache? Aches and pains? How does your stomach feel? You ate a lot yesterday."

Kakashi reached up and took the hand on his cheek and brought it down and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"I feel fine. I don't feel any pain, I promise." he spoke softly as he made eye contact.

'_I'm fine now that I'm awake. I'm awake with you now.'_

* * *

Sakura remained quiet as she nodded to him.

It had been completely frightening to wake up to his shouts only for to be him fast asleep and and looking like he was in intense pain. There was no telling what exactly he went through over those two weeks. She didn't want to prod him and figured if he wanted to tell her, he would in time. She had called out multiple times to him before she got desperate and started pleading for him to wake up.

Kakashi gave her a weak smile then and relief flooded her.

"You sure did give me a good scare, I will admit." she smiled back.

"I'm sorry." he whispered.

Sakura leaned over to him and kissed his cheek softly.

"It's okay, it happens." she whispered as she moved and kissed the corner of his mouth once, "You've been through a lot, so it's understandable."

She felt his fingers brush her cheek before they ran into her hair and felt his head move as his lips brushed over hers. She sucked in a shaky breath as he hovered over her lips briefly before kissing her so slowly she thought she'd melt into a puddle at how much feeling he had placed in that single kiss.

When he pulled back she felt light headed and wanted nothing more than for him to continue.

"Thank you." he whispered as he moved and kissed her forehead.

She couldn't help the small blush that came to her at his affection. Sakura still couldn't believe she was in bed with him. It had been one of her most peaceful nights of sleep in ages.

Her body had naturally woke itself up right before six in the morning like it always did during the week. She would always wake up then, shower, and grab a quick breakfast and head out and arrive right before her shift started for the day at seven.

However, when she woke up this morning, she found herself on her side with Kakashi holding her from behind sound asleep with his face buried into her hair.

_ **~flash back to a few hours earlier~** _

'_I'm not leaving him…'_

_Carefully lifting the arm he had wrapped around her waist, Sakura slowly scooted away from Kakashi and his warmth and laid his arm back down. Swinging her legs off the edge she stood up off the bed. A quiet sigh came from the bed and she turned and found Kakashi stirring awake as his hand reached out to where she had been laying just seconds ago._

'_Damn him and his sharp senses…' she thought as she smiled and leaned back over the bed and whispered to him in hopes he'd hear and relax._

"_I'm not going anywhere. Sleep. I'll be right back."_

_The reaction was instant as he sighed softly again and his movements stilled as he dozed back off. Sakura couldn't help herself as she watched him sleep for a couple minutes. It was very rare to see one of the most feared men in the Five Great Nations and a key war hero from the Fourth Great War look so peaceful as he slept._

_Guaranteeing that he wasn't going to wake back up, Sakura grabbed her discarded shirt and pulled it on as she quickly and quietly exited the bedroom. She walked into the little kitchen nook and picked up the corded phone that hung next to his fridge and dialed the number to the hospital._

"_Hi, this is Sakura Haruno. I know this is sudden, but I need to call off today and the rest of the week as well." she spoke quietly into the phone when the receptionist answered, "Yes. I'll be taking it as personal days. Yes, I'll be back Monday morning."_

_Quickly wrapping up the conversation, Sakura hung up the phone and it felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She now had the rest of the week and the weekend to be with Kakashi. Running to the bathroom, she quickly returned to bed and had to suppress a giggle when she laid down next to Kakashi and he immediately rolled in his sleep and pulled her into his embrace._

'_So cute, he is…' she smiled as she snuggled closer to him and let herself slowly fall back asleep._

_ **~end flashback~** _

"Let me go make us breakfast, okay?" she told him with a smile.

Kakashi seemed to have woken up at that and nodded as he leaned back the rest of the way and they both made to get out of bed. When she turned, she blushed deep red when she saw and realized he was still naked from their time together last night. She couldn't look away as she watched him locate his sweats and pull them on.

"You good?" he spoke up and jerked her back to reality and found him smirking at her.

"Yeah." she squeaked out as she quickly found and pulled on her panties and proceeded to walk past him and out of the bedroom, "I'm going to pee real quick."

* * *

Kakashi just hummed in amusement as he followed behind her as they left the bedroom and watched as she made a quick escape to the bathroom.

'_Even malnourished and she still finds me attractive. At least I know she doesn't want me for just my body.' _he joked to himself as he walked into the small kitchen.

Kakashi figured he could help her with breakfast. He didn't want to make her do all the work. She fussed over him all day yesterday and he felt a hundred times better today thanks to all the sleep and delicious meals she had made him.

The sex was an added bonus for him he smiled to himself when he thought about it. When he approached her after dinner last night, he only had one goal in mind. Thank her. It wasn't about him or his wants. He wanted to thank her for everything she's done in the last month for him. He wanted to show her how much he cared for and appreciated her. Plus, watching her do the dishes in just his shirt and her panties made him surprisingly horny.

Kakashi had felt a pang of male pride when he remembered he had made her cum in mere seconds and how he was able to give her a second orgasm after experiecing the most passionate sex he had ever had before himself.

When he opened the cabinet in search of the pancake mix he knew that him and Sakura had bought yesterday he came face to face with a bottle of liquor and froze in place. He stared at the bottle afraid that it was going to attack him or something. He suddenly realized that he hadn't drank in nearly three weeks, not that he had much choice. Being captured had forced him to detox and truly sober up. The stress of the situation had shoved all those previous urges to the far recesses of his mind and he had actually forgotten about drinking until now.

'_**Why not take a sip…?'**_

He grabbed the bottle and held it in his hands and continued to study it, ignoring the voice. Some part of him was surprised that he didn't just instantly open it and start chugging it like it had suggested. Like he always did when he came home from a mission. Another part was proud that he was forcing himself to be in control. It was still sealed he noticed as he watched the clear liquid slosh around inside the bottle. He wasn't sure how he felt about this now.

"Are you going to drink…?" her quiet voice pulled him from his thoughts.

Kakashi looked over to find Sakura in the bathroom doorway watching him with careful eyes, her hands held nervously in front of her. He knew her reasons to be nervous and it hurt him to know he was the cause of it. He looked back down to the bottle in his hands and thought over his choices.

'_**You know you want to drink it… That's how you got rid of me, Ka-ka-shi. Don't you want to silence me again? Get drunk and go have your way with her? That's always fun.'**_

He froze when the voice jarred his memory. The voice. That voice appeared shortly after _that _mission. The mission that had caused everything in his life to turn for the worse. He picked up his first bottle and got wasted at home the night he returned. The voice stopped when he was hammered. But it didn't last forever. His tolerance built up over time. Soon it took two bottles, then three, four… Until he had his usual five a day when Sakura started coming around.

He had completely forgotten about the voice at that point since the drinking just became a compulsion. He realized a couple of things as all these memories and thoughts flooded back to him.

The nagging sensation in the back of his head hasn't made an appearance since he returned. It always hit him the moment he stepped foot into the gates of the village. Telling him to go and get wasted and wallow in self pity at home. To shove everyone away and be alone. Why wasn't it there anymore? The heavy weight he _always_ felt in his chest no matter what wasn't even there. He couldn't even remember when that feeling went away in the near three weeks he was gone. He thought he had felt it yesterday when he had woken from his nap, but he realized that the feeling hadn't been the same as it was before.

He felt so light suddenly. He felt free. Like he had been released from the prison he built for himself. He had started to stepped out of the darkness that had consumed him. He was nowhere near where he probably should be, but this was a step in hopefully the right direction.

Reaching with his other hand, he grabbed the cap and twisted and broke the seal. He heard Sakura let out a small gasp in response and when the smell of the strong liquor hit his nose and he had to stop himself from gagging. He quickly turned and began pouring the bottles' contents into the sink and heard as Sakura called out his name before footsteps made their way towards him.

"No." he mumbled as he watched the liquid go down the drain, "I'm not."

When the last drop was gone, he set the now empty bottle and cap on the counter and turned and looked at Sakura. She was watching him with wide eyes and her mouth slightly agape from his rash decision.

"I don't want to drink anymore." he suddenly admitted, surprising even himself with his statement.

'_**Foolish… You're going to fail. You always fail.'**_

Drinking had bought him nothing but misery and pain. He did it to block out his troubles, but soon those _troubles _overcame that barrier he built and it only made him drink more to try and beat it. He was self destructing. Then Sakura came in and tried to give him another option to block out of the issues he fought with and he took it without thinking and nearly destroyed it before he realized what he had.

"Are you sure?" Sakura asked tentatively.

All he could do was nod. He didn't want to hurt her anymore. He had someone to show his progress to now. He still remembered the happiness he felt when Sakura voiced how happy she was when he did something as simple as eating a meal while he drank. Kakashi wanted to experience feeling like that more often. He wanted to stop drinking for her. But he also wanted to stop for himself. Drinking only made him hurt her and he didn't want to do that anymore. He didn't want to hurt himself anymore.

He wanted to make her proud. He wanted to prove to himself he was still in control. He wanted her to know he was trying. This was his first step. He wanted to make her happy. He wanted to be happy.

'_I need to tell her what happened seven months ago soon.'_

"As horrible as it sounds, I think the time I was captured was what I needed to kick the habit. Can't drink when you're being tortured and starved."

He felt bad saying that last part as Sakura's face changed into a mixed expression of pain and sadness, but it was the truth.

The drinking had only made all the problems he had worse. It never got rid of the memories that he wanted to forget, only made them repeat viciously. It had only made him hate himself more. Kakashi took the step and closed the gap between them. He tried to push her away because he felt he didn't deserve to be fixed. To be helped. He was thankful for her as she patiently nudged him in the right direction. She knew he was a stubborn man and she was just as stubborn. It worked well for them.

And, in some sick way, being captured had benefited him. The two weeks of isolation and time spent away from everything presented an opportunity to reevaluate himself, his life, and his choices. With the threat of being killed any second looming over his head, he quickly realized that if he did somehow manage to survive that he no longer wanted to live with regrets. Which would be hard since he regretted many things.

Kakashi tucked a lock of pink hair behind her ear before tilting her chin up so she'd look at him more clearly.

"But it's okay. _I'll be okay._" he added quietly.

He was taken aback momentarily when Sakura slammed herself into his chest and hugged him tightly. Kakashi quickly regained his bearings as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her just as close. They stood like that for a while holding each other and he felt true peace for the first time in a while.

_ **'So foolish… You're blind.'** _

"Breakfast?" she finally spoke up and she made to look up to him with a warm smile.

"Breakfast." he confirmed.

_'I'd rather a fool than to let me destroy myself…'_

Sakura pulled away and started fussing around the kitchen as she grabbed a pan from the cabinet and then went to the fridge. Kakashi stood there watching her for a moment as a thought repeated in his head.

'_What is she doing to me?'_

'_**Enjoy it while it lasts… Ka-ka-shi.'**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major strides for our boi, but not much progress? Recognizing is the first step, right? Can he follow through? They've been open, but they're still both clueless ugh. I must love hurting my feelings or something.
> 
> Please, please, please leave a review and let me know what you're thinking and what you think of how this is going.
> 
> Thank you as always to Taytay95 for being a wonderful beta as I struggle (happily) through this story.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"So… um." Sakura started when she stepped out of the bathroom but stopped from a sudden bout of nervousness. She had taken a shower after their breakfast and realized a couple of things while she was in there.

If she was going to stay there with Kakashi for the week, she needed clothes and her own toiletries. She had her clothes from yesterday that she had washed, but she needed more obviously. She had to roughly brushed out her shoulder length hair with her fingers after her shower because she had no brush or hair dryer on her. She couldn't even find a comb or anything in there. She also had to use his shampoo and body wash because she didn't have hers. Not that she minded smelling like him, he had good taste in the scents of his body wash and shampoo.

'_I wonder if he wears or has any cologne… I didn't see anything when I was cleaning yesterday.'_

Upon walking out, she found Kakashi lounging on the couch in the same position she had left him in. Pulling his nose away from the worn copy of Icha Icha he quirked a brow at her to signal her to continue her thought.

She couldn't help but smile at him briefly from the familiar sight. She hadn't seen him read one of those novels in a very long time and she had a feeling that he hadn't touched them once over the last seven months. Taking a deep breath, she relaxed some of her nerves to ask the most pressing issue she had in that moment.

"If… If I'm… going to stay here with you for the time being… I need, no, I _have_ to swing by my place to pick up some clothes and such." she explained.

"Okay."

Sakura paused for half a second. For some reason she didn't realize that it would be such an easy response from him. She figured he would say no and that her presence was no longer needed or wanted.

"R-really?" she smiled as she made her way over to him, "You're fine with me-"

"Sakura." he cut her off as he snapped his book shut and made to sit up, "I'm a grown man. I can be left alone for periods of time."

Sakura snapped her mouth shut and gave him a dirty look.

"I know that." she lightly chided him, "I'm… just a worrier."

'_I was nervous that you wouldn't want me to stay, but it seems you're okay with it. For now at least…'_

The gentle smile he gave her soothed her soul. Seeing his entire face now made his expressions seem so much bigger. She thought his smile was nice when it was covered by a mask, but seeing the actual smile made it beautiful to her now.

"I'll be alright. I'm full of delicious food and I'm very cozy laying here, what other trouble could I possibly get into?" he sassed her.

The pinkette huffed as she took the last of couple steps to where he sat and leaned down to give him a kiss. It was like he read her mind as he met her half way and returned the kiss fully.

"I won't be long. Do you want me to pick up anything?" she said when she stood and started to head towards the door.

"Bottle of liquor?"

"Kakashi!" she scolded loudly as she clutched her jacket.

"I'm joking!" he replied instantly with raised hands.

Sakura just shook her head at him as he grinned at her and she shrugged on the jacket and headed out the door. Stepping out into the cool morning air, she shivered involuntarily and shoved her hands into her pockets as she quickly made her way to her apartment.

'_I didn't realize it's gotten this chilly out…'_

As she walked along, she thought over everything that happened between them in the last twenty-four hours. She had taken many leaps with some of her choices, fully prepared for him to push her away. But he never did. It was like the more she just went with it, so did he. It confused her immensely, but it made her so happy too. Before his last mission he wanted nothing more for her to leave. But now? Now it was like he clung to her like his life depended on it. The way he wrapped his arm around her when they were in bed and feeling him bury his face into her hair as he slept was such a comforting feeling.

The way he had kissed her so tenderly after they woke up earlier was unlike any kiss she had had before. It was like he was trying to tell her something, but she feared that she was reading too much to all of these interactions. She didn't want to set herself up for heartbreak. She had immense feelings for him, so she was walking on a thin line that could snap any second.

It didn't take her long when she got to her apartment to get her things together. She grabbed her small bag she used for missions and and filled it with everything she needed for Kakashi's place. She went around her apartment and double checked things since she wouldn't be there for the rest of the week. When she opened her fridge she was surprised for a moment with how bare it was. All that sat in there was a carton of eggs, half a loaf of bread, a couple take out containers, and her random assortment of condiments.

'_Oh yeah, I didn't do any grocery shopping over these last two weeks since I was basically living at the hospital and lived on take out while waiting for him to come home…' _she thought with a small blush as she closed shut the door and grabbed her bag.

Wandering back over to his place, she made a mental checklist of groceries she was gonna grab before returning.

"Well, look at what the cat drug out!"

Sakura stopped and turned towards the familiar voice.

"Hi, Ino." she smiled at the blonde woman walking over to her, "Where are you off too?"

"Ah, just on my way to meet up with Sai and Inojin to go to my mother's for lunch. You've been a ghost lately! I never see you anymore. Are you going on a mission?" she asked after they exchanged tight hugs.

Sakura was immediately confused by her question.

"No? Why do you think that?"

She watched as Ino pointed to the bag on her shoulder.

"Then what's up with that?"

'_Crap, I can't tell her I'm staying with him right now. She wouldn't understand it. I don't even understand it.'_

"Oh!" Sakura blushed, "It's for, uh, work."

Ino just gave her an odd look at the rushed excuse.

"Work?"

Sakura just nodded to reaffirm her reason. She even added a smile for extra convincing.

"I've gotten thrown up on and other fluids on me like six times in the last week because of the flu season that's starting up. You know I don't like wearing the hospital uniform, so I'm just bringing stuff to clean up and fresh clothes to change into."

She was internally screaming at that point. She couldn't believe she was able to pull such a valid excuse out of her ass like that. And so quickly too. She felt sort of guilty as well. She didn't necessarily want to lie and hide the fact that she was actually staying with Kakashi. She didn't know what exactly was going on between them so she didn't want to get her hopes up for something that had a good chance of never happening to begin with. She also didn't want to start up any rumors about the man's mental health.

"Okay, understandable. But tell me, Forehead, why do you smell like a man?" she said as she stepped forward and sniffed loudly a couple times, "That's a familiar scent. I've smelled that before, but where?"

'_Shit. Kakashi's body wash and shampoo!'_

"Who are you, Kiba? Stop sniffing me, Ino-Pig!" she scrunched up her nose as she took a half step away from her best friend, "Like I said, I'm bringing stuff to work. There was only mens stuff in the showers."

Blue eyes stared hard at her and Sakura feared that the Yamanaka would use her clans jutsu to get the real truth out of her.

"I don't believe you, but I'm running late as it is so I can't interrogate you properly." Ino replied with a suspicious tone as she stood straight, "This isn't the end of this."

Sakura gave her, her own confused looked.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

Ino smirked as she stepped forward and gave her a hug goodbye, which Sakura gladly returned. When she went to let go, Ino squeezed her tighter and whispered into her ear.

"You're seeing someone, aren't you? It's clear as day you've been having sex."

Sakura briefly stiffened at the statement before she pushed Ino away and gave her a baffled look.

"Why would I lie to you?!" she snapped.

"Because that big hickey on your neck says otherwise!"

The pinkette felt herself pale at the reply as her hands shot up and covered her exposed neck.

'_He gave me a hickey?! I didn't see anything in the mirror! Wait…'_

"Ha! _I knew it!_ You are seeing someone!" Ino shouted with glee.

Reaching out, Sakura snatched up the collar of Ino's purple jacket and pulled her close.

"Shut up!" she hissed viciously, "Don't just go shouting so loudly!"

Bright blue eyes watched with mischief as her lips curled into a devilish smile.

"So, tell me who it is."

Sakura released her hold of the woman and took a step back and avoided eye contact at that point.

"I can't say right now. It's really complicated." she mumbled.

"What? Why?" Ino replied instantly in a hushed whisper, obviously catching the hint that Sakura was telling the truth now

"Because… I don't even know if we're something or not right now." she said as she looked back over to her best friend.

The blonde crossed her arms over her chest as she let everything sink in and mulled over the information.

"But… You have a packed bag which I'm assuming is going to his place? What's complicated then if you're obviously sleeping with each other _and_ spending the night."

Sakura just slumped her shoulders then. Ino was right, but she was also wrong. They were only sleeping together because she had allowed her body to be used as an outlet. But, somehow feelings were developed. Her's were already there and fully developed, but it seemed to her that he had developed some as well. The thing that made it complicated was that she didn't know how far those feelings went. How much did he really care? How much was due the fact that he was a P.O.W. for nearly three weeks? Was this just a phase he was going through?

She was so confused by it all, but kept her mouth shut out of fear. Fear of being sent away. Sakura remained silent and it seemed to be working so far. She promised herself that she would be there for him no matter what.

"It just is, okay?"

"Are you seeing Sasuke again?" she asked, worry clear in her voice.

"Oh, goodness no." Sakura quickly shook her head at that question, "Just… Just drop it for now, okay? I don't want to keep you in that dark and I promise that in time, once I figure things out, you will be the first person I tell. Okay?"

Ino narrowed her eyes at the medic for a moment before sighing in defeat and nodding.

"I want to know who it was whether if it does work or not, you hear me?"

"Loud and clear." Sakura replied with a smile.

Ino stepped back over and gave her a big hug before she giggled.

"Whoever this mystery man is, he smells really good."

Sakura just laughed as she nodded to her best friend.

"He does, doesn't he?"

Walking up to Kakashi's door, Sakura briefly pondered if she should knock before entering but figured that he always left it unlocked that there was no point now for her at least. She was thankful to be back there. After her run in with Ino, she desperately wanted to finish her errands and return to him. She was grateful for her best friend's understanding nature at the end of their encounter. She didn't want to say anything and jinx the minute chances she had to begin with.

Shifting the weight of the paper grocery bag to her hip, she reached out and turned the knob and made her way in.

"I'm hom-" she started but quickly caught herself from finishing that sentence and darted her eyes around the apartment in search for Kakashi.

She found him laid out on the couch with his eyes closed and arms behind his head.

"Kakashi?" she whispered quietly and when he didn't reply, she realized the man was napping.

'_Thank goodness!'_ she literally cried her praises, '_What were you thinking, Sakura?!'_

Quietly as to not disturb the sleeping man, she kicked off her shoes and placed the bag of groceries on the kitchen counter. Walking through the apartment, she smiled down at the man fast asleep on the couch as she made her way into the bedroom to drop off her bag and put her toiletries into the bathroom. She was surprised when she walked in to find the bed was stripped down, the curtains pulled open letting the bright afternoon light into the room, and a candle lit on the dresser.

She smiled as she plopped her bag onto the bed and started pulling out what she needed to bring into the bathroom. She noted as she glanced over to the lit candle that it looks like he deep cleaned the bedroom while she was gone.

'_Of course he likes vanilla scented candles.' _she mused to herself as she looked down at her bottles of shampoo and bodywash that read vanilla bean.

* * *

Kakashi sat on the couch for a few more minutes after Sakura had left. He couldn't stop smiling at how nonchalant their interaction just was. The playful banter exchanged and the heartfelt kiss they shared before she left made him feel warm. His heart pounded, but it was with happiness and not anxiety like usual.

'_She left… but I know she's going to return to me.'_

'_**Don't worry. She'll leave eventually.'**_

Kakashi groaned as the voice returned. He was becoming annoyed with its ever growing presence in his head. He knew the voice was just that, _a voice._ He would overcome it.

With that resolute thought, he glanced down to his copy of Icha Icha with pride and tossed it onto the coffee table as he made to stand up. He couldn't remember the last time he pulled out one of his copies of the famed series and it was like returning to an old friend after a long time of not seeing them.

The jounin wandered around his apartment and inspected some more of the deep cleaning Sakura had done yesterday. She had really gone all out as he looked at the sparsely decorated apartment. The cobweb that was in the corner of his little dining room area was gone and he couldn't find a speck of dust on any surfaces either. When he went to the bathroom, he was surprised by just how clean she got it. He could still smell the faint scent of the citrus scented cleaner she had used as he stripped down and go into the shower himself.

Walking into his room while roughly drying his hair, he eyed the bed as he dressed.

'_She didn't wash the bedding since I was sleeping yesterday.' _he thought to himself after pulling his shirt on.

"I can do that." he mumbled to himself as he walked over and ripped the quilt off his bed and the sheets and pillowcases, "The rest of the room too."

'_**Aren't you thirsty?'**_

'_Shut up.' _he thought to himself as he gathered up everything.

'_**You wasted such a good bottle of liquor too! You always bought the good stuff. Nice and strong.'**_

Kakashi shook his head as if to shake away the thoughts coming to him. He swallowed hard as memories of the burning sensation of the liquor sliding down his throat surface and that pleasant warmth that came to his cheeks as it settled in his stomach.

"No." he said out loud to the empty room, "Stop it."

After shoving the linens into the washer, he walked back into his room and pulled up the curtains and let the bright morning light flood into the room. He could see all the dust particles that floated in the air then and frowned before he went out and grabbed a rag and duster for the room.

He spent the next hour removing the cobwebs he found and wiping down the top of his dresser and nightstand. Actively ignoring the voice as it kept whispering to him. Attempting to remind him of his self destructive behaviors. Encouraging him to indulge. He found an empty shoebox under his bed and walked around gathering all his random piles of weapons into it with the idea of sitting down to clean and sharpen them later.

'_This will be a good distraction.'_

'_**You could definitely use one on yourself. Rid the word of your parasitic life. Free her from your selfish self and selfish desires.'**_

Kakashi shoved the box of weapons quickly under his bed at that suggestion and took a few steps away to put some distance between him and the weapons.

"No!" he growled, "I won't do that. I won't listen to you. You're not real!'

'_**Oh, I'm real. You've seen me, Ka-ka-shi. How much more real can that be?'**_

The jounin screwed his eyes shut has he shot his hands up and gripped his head tightly as it throbbed with his heartbeat. He felt his heart start racing faster as a result and dropped to his knees in the middle of his room. He suddenly felt like the wind had been knocked out of him as he gasped for air and tipped over and laid on the hardwood floor in a ball.

'_Get out of my head! Get out! Get out!'_

When the voice didn't reply, he heaved a sigh of relief as he stared off into space for a while. He eventually was able to slow his breathing down and pulled his hands from his hair and roughly rubbed his face a couple of times.

'_I don't know how much more of this I can handle… I can't tell her. It'll only scare her. Then she will really be gone.'_

Standing up, he squared his shoulders and took a deep breath. He felt weak, both physically and mentally, but he couldn't let it stop him. He wanted nothing more to crawl into bed and forget, but he ruined that for himself as the washer sounded from the bathroom.

'_I can't let this stop me.'_

He went to the bathroom and took some aspirin to rid the headache before he went over and opened up the drawer of the nightstand next to his bed and cocked his head to the side at the contents. Kakashi reached in and pulled out a candle that was unused. Pulling the top off, he sniffed it and smiled when the vanilla scent invaded his nostrils. He quickly located the lighter he kept in his kitchen and lit it and brought it back into the room and sat it on his dresser.

'_I have no idea when and where I got this, but it should help with how stuffy it is in here. It's too cold now to open the windows to air the room out.'_ he concluded as he started to walk away but a mark on the wall next to his dresser caught his attention, '_What's that?'_

He squatted down and ran a finger over the decent sized dent and frowned as he tried to remember what caused it. Realization set in as he stood and scolded himself. He had done that the day before he left for his last mission. When he received his mission summons and Sakura had left him again. He had thrown it across the room in anger.

'_Don't worry… She's coming back. She promised.'_

'_**Are you sure…? She may have used this chance to run away from you. It was the perfect excuse.'**_

Kakashi clenched fists and pressed them into his face then.

"Leave me the fuck alone!" he groaned loudly, "Let me have some peace!"

Not caring what the voice had to say in reply, he went back to the drawer and fished out a bottle of cologne he had long forgotten about. He hadn't worn the stuff since the last wedding he attended a few years back. Was it Naruto's or Shikamaru's? He couldn't remember. It smells basically the same as his body wash and shampoo but stronger and more earthy, but it was an extremely expensive cologne so he wore it sparingly. He never had a reason to wear it either since he was constantly on missions.

'_I wonder if Sakura would like the smell?' _he idly thought as he took the cap off and sniffed the nozzle.

'_**Who cares.'**_

He ignored the voice and smiled as he sat the bottle out onto his nightstand and finished cleaning the drawer of the random papers and scrolls it contained. He wondered briefly about his future and if it did contain Sakura, that maybe he'd like to take her out one night. He'd never really dated before or even taken a woman on a date, but the idea didn't sound half bad right now. He suddenly stopped in the middle of his room, holding the bag of garbage he had gathered up and felt as an epiphany rushed through him.

He had thought about his future.

Something he hadn't done once in the last couple of years. He stopped worrying about his future when his depression had peaked back then. He figured he wouldn't live long enough to see any type of future. Especially one with someone else.

'_What is she doing to me?'_

Switching the now washed linens into the dryer, he decided to stretch out on the couch when he felt himself grow a bit tired. The torment he was experiencing with this voice was exhausting to his mind and body. He was also still recovering too, he remembered, so he couldn't do much without tiring himself out right now. He still had sleep he needed to catch up on and he was still malnourished and underweight.

'_Maybe I shouldn't go back to duty right away… I don't want to over do it and hurt myself and make her worry as a result of my stubbornness. Plus, if this voice doesn't go away soon, I'm not sure if I can perform my duties effectively…'_

He yawned as he crossed his arms behind his head and closed his eyes.

'_I want to stay alive for her.'_ he thought passively as he dozed off.

"Wakey, wakey, sleepy head." he heard the quiet voice stir him.

He couldn't help the big yawn that escaped him as he stretched out as he woke up. Cracking open an eye, he peered up and found a pair of green eyes staring down to him with mischief and a content smile on her face.

'_Told you she'd come back.'_

"Did you have a good nap?" Sakura asked as she leaned over the back of the couch.

He nodded once as he brought a hand up and motioned for her to come closer. Sakura leaned further over the couch and he grinned as he grabbed her arm and pulled her over the rest of the way.

"Wai-wait, Kakashi!" she squealed as she flipped over and landed on top of him.

She propped herself up on his chest and shot him a dirty look and all he could do was smile.

"That wasn't nice, you know!" she scolded him.

"To answer your question, I did have a good nap."

He was honest. There was no dreams or nightmares. The figure or beast or whatever it was never made an appearance either. He wasn't sure how long he slept, but it was a nice chunk of rest he experienced. Sakura clamped her mouth shut then and he watched as her features softened as a smile came to her.

"I see you cleaned the bedroom too." she added.

"I can't let you do all the work. It's my fault it got that bad to begin with." he reasoned as he tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

'_**You feel guilty for mooching off of her pity.'**_

Kakashi froze for a fraction of a second before he refocused on Sakura. He couldn't tell her what he had just heard, so he acted like he heard nothing at all. Sakura just nodded as she regarded him warmly.

"It is, but it isn't. It's a good first step. How do you feel by the way?"

Kakashi wrapped his arms around her as she snuggled up to him more and rested her head under his chin.

"Better than a few days ago."

"No… I mean… How do you feel in regards to the things from before then?" she whispered quietly.

He took a slow and even breath at the question. It was a question he had been asking himself all day and he just felt confused. On one hand he was feeling better over all when it came to the clarity that not drinking and not wanting to die gave him. However, the sudden appearance, or reappearance, of this voice presented him with a new set of challenges that he didn't know how to deal with.

At first it just seemed like harmless banter and negative thoughts, but when it had suggested that he kill himself earlier while he was cleaning made him suddenly realize that it was a much larger issue than he had originally thought. It only took that thing a few minutes before it brought him down to his knees and break down. How much more of that could he take before he grew desperate again?

He wanted to remain strong. Not only for himself, but for Sakura too. He had a goal now. He wanted to be happy on his own, but having her encouragement there was the best motivator he could think of.

"I'm not sure." he decided to be honest, "I haven't drank, so that's a plus, right? Besides that, I'm not sure. Everything was dulled and slowed down for so long that I'm kind of… lost right now."

"It's okay to feel lost. You can't just fix it overnight."

'_I wish I could…'_

* * *

Sakura laid there in his arms and listened to him voice his feelings. He was lost, but he seemed okay for now. Once he reached his limit on opening up, which lasted for not even ten minutes, they remained snuggled for a while just enjoying each others warmth and presence.

'_I just need to be here for him… I don't want him to go through this alone.'_

Later that day, the two found themselves back on the couch after Sakura made them dinner of donabe. The entire afternoon had been rather pleasant. They had laid on the couch together for a while talking about random things and cuddling before she got up and finished making the bed. She was happy to see him doing some stretches in the living room when she came back out.

"Here, let me show you some stretches that'll help with your atrophy." she smiled as she pulled her hair up and stepped over and moved the coffee table off to the side and knelt down next to him.

'_I can get at least try and get some physical therapy done with him this way since he won't go to appointments at the clinic.'_

They spent the next hour on the floor as Sakura guided him through specific stretches that helped counter the damage and muscle loss from lack of movement from being in the cramped prison cell for over two weeks. He had told her as they laid on the couch about how you could only stand or sit in that cell and the seer action of not being able to lay down was what would've broke him if he had been in there a few extra days.

He recounted some of what happened and it took everything in her to not cry. Sakura was currently leaning over him as she had his right arm above his head as she slowly stretched it out.

"You look pretty." he spoke up as she ran a hand down his bicep to feel his muscles as they stretched.

She peeked down at him with a half smile and found him watching her with a playful mirth in those gray eyes.

"Thank you." she replied quietly as she guided his arm back down and leaned over to start the process on his left arm.

She felt his fingers wrap around her wrist and gently tug her away from her job. Sakura couldn't help but smile as she leaned over and gave him what he wanted. The kiss was slow and sweet as she felt him let go of her wrist as his fingers made their way into her hair to deepen the kiss. She sighed happily while letting her hands trail down his arms and to his chest as she swung her leg over and straddled him.

"Hmm, Sakura…" he mumbled in between their kisses as he sat them up, his hands snaking around her waist as he did, "Wait."

The pinkette pulled away just enough to give him a questioning look.

"Yeah?"

"I don't want to have sex with you."

She felt her face pale as her world started crashing around her.

"What?" she whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know not much "happened" in this, but really a lot happened?? Our boi is #struggling. Lots of internal dialogue, but its needed!!!! Bare with me please!!
> 
> Please leave a review!! I love hearing the reactions towards this story and your ideas on how it'll possibly play out. 
> 
> Thank you as always to Taytay95 for being a bomb ass beta.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"I don't want to have sex with you."

She felt her face pale as her world started crashing around her. Why was he saying this suddenly?

"What?" she whispered.

'_He's telling me to leave…'_

When the weight of his words finally hit, Sakura quickly shoved her hands into his chest and pushed away from him as she scrambled up to her feet. She needed to get out before she made a bigger fool of herself.

'_I knew this was too good to be true.'_

"Wait, that came out wrong!" he called after her as she walked away into the bedroom.

"No shit!" she bit out as she snatched up her bag and turned to exit to go grab her things from the bathroom but found him standing in the doorway, "Move. I'm leaving."

"Sakura, please."

* * *

Kakashi was freaking out. What he wanted to say and what came out of his mouth were complete opposites and now she was trying to leave. He had made it sound like he wanted her to leave. That was the last thing he wanted. He needed her to stay more than anything to help him figure out what he actually wanted to say.

'_**You fucked it up like usual.'**_

"Do you really think that little of me?" she suddenly asked him, green eyes darkening in her anger.

"No!" he countered, "Please, wait. Let me explain myself."

'_**It's no use. Let her go. You ruined it.'**_

'_Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!'_

"I wasn't even thinking about sex then! Can't I just enjoy a nice moment like that with you? Do you think that's all I want from you? _Sex?_ I can go to any bar _right now_ and find three guys to take home if I wanted."

'_**See? She doesn't need you. She's flaunting how much she doesn't need you. Just another notch in her bed post…'**_

His own world was crashing around him in that moment. It was right, the voice. She didn't need him. She said she could move on easily. But he needed her. He couldn't be alone right now. As selfish as it sounded, he needed her there to make sure he didn't do something stupid.

"Please…" he pleaded with a whisper, "Let me explain myself."

He watched as Sakura furrowed her brows at him, but didn't speak. He took a deep breath to try and even out his racing thoughts and erratic breathing. He could see the threat of tears in her eyes. It was taking everything in him to not break down right then and there too. He couldn't take another loss right now. It would be the end of him, he knew it.

"I worded that awfully." he started.

A single brow shot up from her as a silent way of her telling him "_No shit."_ again.

He had never been good with his words. Especially in situations like this. He had never been this vulnerable around someone before. It was new and it was extremely scary. You'd think that over twenty years of vicious fighting would make this seem like nothing, but none of his experiences in life could help him now. He admitted to himself then and there that he was definitely emotionally stunted.

"It's true, I don't want to have sex. But I mean _right now._"

"I told you that I wasn-" she tried speaking up and he raised a hand to stop her from continuing.

"I know, but it was _me_ who was thinking about sex then." he embarassingly admitted, "Bare with me, but I said that because I really don't want to have sex right now. I need to figure some things out first."

Sakura's earlier angry expression suddenly vanished as it twisted into hurt and confusion.

"I'm not in this for sex…" she mumbled.

'_**She's lying. She doesn't really care about you. You're just a fling.'**_

'_Shut the fuck up! I'm not listening to you.'_

He ignored the voice as he let out a partial sigh of relief.

"That's reassuring to hear, but this is actually mainly for me."

When she gave him another confused look he realized she couldn't read his mind.

"I wasn't in… the best state of mind when this started." he pointed between them, "I was trying to push you away because I felt like I didn't need help… I still feel like I shouldn't be helped. I hurt you when I tried to drive you away and I feel immense guilt over it."

"Kaka-"

"I want to know if what I'm experiencing right now is not from anything that was involved when this started. I'm not drinking anymore and I'm hopefully taking steps in the right direction. Sex was that last thing that was involved, so just be patient with me. Okay?" he finished speaking.

He heard her bag drop out of her hand and land with a soft thud on the ground.

"Okay." she weakly smiled up to him.

Kakashi was riding the high of being so open as he took a step towards her and she matched his step and quickly wrapped her arms around his midsection.

"I'm sorry." he mumbled as wrapped his arms around her shoulders, "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings like that."

"No, no." Sakura said quickly as she leaned back enough to look up to him, "I jumped the gun and over reacted."

'_**She's making excuses. She was trying to leave and you're forcing her to stay. You're so selfish, Ka-ka-shi.'**_

The jounin just bit his tongue and decided not to react the voice. It was trying to make him doubt himself. Doubt her. Kakashi leaned down and kissed her forehead softly as he contemplated his next steps. He had just opened up a lot to her in the last few minutes and she was still there. He was being honest when he said he didn't want to have sex.

It was a good release, but he just needed to know that what he was feeling towards her wasn't clouded by the endorphins released during sex. He knew most of them weren't, but this was his chance to properly deal with things. Sakura only came around initially to let him use her. He wanted to show that she was more than just an object to be used by doing this. She was one of his precious people and he didn't want to take her for granted.

"It's okay." he whispered as he pulled back, "I'm just not good with… feelings."

Sakura just nodded at him once with a small smile.

"I know, but don't feel like you need to explain your every move. I just need to learn to be a bit more patient. We both know how impulsive I can be."

He nodded a couple times as he smiled at her.

The rest of the week and weekend went by smoothly for the two of them, besides the increasing frequency the voice in his head. He ignored it most of the time, but it was harder at night and in his dreams. He was often woken up by a worried Sakura since he was unconsciously reacting to the things the beast said to him. He had yet to reveal that he was hearing things to her.

He was already struggling enough opening up in general. Whenever he'd start telling her about his past before knowing her or things that had happened over the last few years, he'd quickly grow overwhelmed after a few minutes and clam up. He was extremely thankful that she understood him enough to know his silence wasn't something bad.

But he knew he needed to tell her why he had suddenly taken a major dip over the last year. Explain why he got so bad so quickly.

Sakura had quickly informed him she had taken the rest of the week off of work to remain by his side and he was surprised but thankful. Most days were spent lounging around his apartment. They had accidentally developed a slight routine. They'd sleep in late, have breakfast, shower together, relax on the couch and chat and read until the early afternoon since Kakashi wasn't in the best shape or state of mind to go out. Sakura would then make them lunch and Kakashi would take a nap after while Sakura usually either cleaned, went grocery shopping, or napped with him. In the evenings they made dinner together and they'd do some physical therapy and simple exercises in the living room before being lazy on the couch and watching TV or a movie before they would go to bed.

They stayed true to his request and didn't have sex during that time either. It was very odd having such a domestic routine, he thought. But, it was worth it since he got to see things clearly for the first time in seven months. However, by Sunday night, Kakashi felt himself finally beginning to break his resolve. It wasn't Sakura's fault, but his. He couldn't stop himself from getting turned on randomly. He even tried masturbating when Sakura went grocery shopping one afternoon and failed. It wasn't the same as being with her.

'_It's been nearly a week… I've gone longer without sex, so why am I so bothered now?'_ he thought to himself even though he knew the answer.

He wanted her because he cared for her. He wanted to please himself, yes, but he wanted to please her too. He realized then as they laid on the couch together that he had developed feelings. An attachment to her.

He wanted more.

'_**You fool. She will only ruin you in the end.'**_

He ignored the voice as he stood from the couch and turned and saw her still cleaning up in the kitchen. He quickly made his way over to her and gently grabbed her elbow as she turned to face him, he swooped down and kissed her deeply. Sakura hummed in surprise before she quickly returned kiss as he felt wet hands wrapped around his neck.

"Stay." he spoke low when he broke for air, "Stay with me. Stay here with me."

Sakura blinked once only to reply with kissing him again as she held him closer.

"I'll stay." she mumbled into the kiss as he wrapped his arms around her waist, "I'll stay with you for as long as you want me to stay."

Kakashi started guiding them backwards slowly through the kitchen as he hummed thoughtfully.

"You won't be going anywhere for quite a while then."

* * *

Sakura gasped at his admission as she heard the bedroom open. She didn't know why he was suddenly saying all this now, but obviously it was something he had been thinking about for a while given the confidence and determination in his voice. She felt his hold around her waist loosen as his hands slid under her shirt and up her sides. The pinkette couldn't help the soft moan that left her from his touch.

It had been a long week without any sex, she would admit. But it was fine with her since he was trying to figure things out for himself. She grew nervous after he told her he wanted to stop to make sure what he felt was real. These last few days had been blissful, but that thought remained present in her mind. What if he realized he didn't want her in that way anymore? What if he wanted her to leave for real?

It was obvious that he had made his choice as she helped him remove her shirt and unhook her bra. It was obvious when he told her to stay. Stay with him.

"Kakashi…" she whispered as he started kissing down her neck.

She hadn't felt so turned on before and she knew he was probably just as eager. She reached and tugged up his shirt as her other hand ran over toned abs. The intense therapy and training they'd done over the last week was helping immensely. He only broke his ministrations long enough to rip the article of clothing off before his lips met hers again and felt his tongue enter her mouth as she moaned from how bold and forward he was being. It reminded her briefly with how dominant he was when they first got together and she felt her core twist in need.

"Ahh…" Sakura whimpered loudly when his hand slipped into her pants and panties and she felt his two fingers find her clit and stroke teasing circles around it. She had to grab his shoulders to keep herself up right as her knees felt like jelly.

"You're so beautiful." he groaned as he pulled his hand away from her and quickly removed her remaining clothes.

Sakura gained some of her bearings back as she let herself fall backwards onto the bed and reached down and let her fingers stroke herself as she watched Kakashi drop his sweats and boxers. She felt herself start growing wetter when she saw how turned on he was already. She giggled quietly when he bit his lip and groaned low from watching her please herself.

"Couldn't hold out any longer?" she decided to tease him as he got on the bed and crawled over to lay next to her.

"I made up my mind." he said as he barely kissed her.

She couldn't help the over the top smile that came to her. It must've been infectious since his own grin joined hers. Her smile fell into a pleasured moan as their eyes remained locked and his hand had found its way back between her legs. She screwed her eyes shut when he pushed two fingers into her and let out a shaky breath at the sensation of being filled stretched again.

"Take me." she moaned as she felt him finger her, "I can't wait. I need you now."

He quickly pulled out of her and felt the bed shift and dip. Sakura opened her eyes to find him grabbing her knees and pulling them apart as he leaned over her and before she could form a thought, she felt him push into her.

"Oh, fuck…" Sakura cried out as she pushed her head into the pillow she was gripping as she felt him pull out completely before pushing slowly back into her, "Yes, just like that!"

He had given her no warning and she loved it. She loved the gentle and attentive side of him and she loved this rougher and dominant side of him. She had the best of both worlds when it came to sex. This was no ordinary sex either she realized. Sakura held deep feelings for Kakashi before they got together and with him confirming he had feelings too made this whole experience have deeper meaning to her.

This wasn't sex anymore. This was making love.

"I need you too." he whispered as he thrusted into her at a steady pace.

She felt his hands trail up her sides and grab ahold of her wrists and pulled them down.

"Hold your knees up." he commanded in a soft tone and she moaned and quickly hooked her hands into place and held them up and apart.

Her mind flashed back to their first time together. She had basically been in the same position then, but this time he wasn't taking it out on her. He wasn't being overly rough. In fact he was being extremely gentle with her. Dominant but gentle and soon felt her head grow dizzy as he kept hitting her sweet spot.

"Faster." she moaned, "Harder."

Sakura felt him falter for barely a second before she continued at his regular pace.

"I don't want to hurt you." he whispered.

"You can be rough without hurting me." she hummed as she felt his hands run up her thighs and firmly grasp her waist.

She sucked in a breathy moan when she suddenly felt him buck hard into her. She whimpered his name as he grabbed her wrists and yanked them above her head and gasped as her knees feel back down. The position change hit her hard as she felt herself cum.

"Shit…" she heard him moan loudly as she cried out his name, "Fuck, you feel so good, ahh."

Sakura start panting heavily as each stroke made her twitch with pleasure as he never slowed down. Her entire body felt as if it was being shocked with little touch her bestowed onto her. He pulled one of his hands away from her wrists, but kept them firmly pinned above her head as the free hand ran into her hair as his lips crashed against hers.

"Do you want to touch yourself?" he whispered the question in a near plea between his own pants as he kissed her, "Do you want to cum again?"

She couldn't reply even if she wanted too as she laid there under him. It was like she was under some spell. Sakura forced her eyes open and met his gaze and nodded a few times as she continued panting. The smirk he gave her as she felt his large hand release one of her wrists nearly was her undoing again.

"Touch yourself." he spoke in a low tone, "I need you to cum again."

The pinkette listened to his request as she quickly snaked her hand between them and quickly started playing with herself. She gasped as the aftershocks of her orgasm where still there in combination of him picking up his pace again. Sakura wasn't sure if she could make herself cum again so soon, but she'd try like hell. The pleasure she felt between her legs was borderlining painful as she felt herself wind up. She sucked in a breath when Kakashi grabbed one of her knees and yanked it up as he started thrusting hard from another angle.

"I think I'm gonna…" she started to moan as he hit her sweet spot dead on and felt her mind go blank as her second orgasm hit without any warning.

Sakura felt him grip her leg hard as he swore under his breath as he obviously reached his own end. Once he emptied himself, she felt him pull out and drop down next to he with a loud sigh of relief.

Keeping her eyes closed she rolled over to him and Kakashi pulled her into his arms without a second thought and hugged her close.

"That was…" he started but trailed off.

"Amazing." she finished his sentence as she buried her face into his chest

"Hmmm." he agreed as she felt his fingers draw lazy circles in between her shoulders.

They laid like that for a while as they enjoy the peace and after glow of everything that just happened. Sakura had never felt so relaxed and safe before than she did now. It was like everything had finally fallen into place. They were still a long way from where they needed to be, but at this moment, it felt like everything was perfect.

Against her wishes, she leaned back from snuggled him and kissed his jaw before finally opening her eyes. She found a pair of drooped gray eyes regarding her warmly. The gentle smile on his lips made her heart flutter. His brow suddenly jerked up and frowned before looked at her with concern.

"I-I didn't hurt you, did I?" he asked quietly as he brought a hand up and tucked some hair behind her ear.

Sakura smiled and shook her head.

"No." she replied as she leaned forward and kissed his cheek, "You did everything perfectly."

His surprised look at her statement made her smile grew into a toothy grin as laughed quietly.

"I guess this means that I'll bring my bag with me to work tomorrow and swing by my place to pick up more clothes on my way home?" she spoke quietly as she brought her hand up and cupped his cheek.

His smile only grew as he leaned down and kissed her softly before replying.

"Sounds like a plan."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't the end, btw. I keep saying that the story isn't going to be long, but like, I still got a bit to go whoopies. I don't think you guys are complaining though??  
I really love writing this story. I love writing all my stories, but this story lets me express myself in a deeper way that I can't with the others. I hope you guys feel the same I do!   
Please leave a review if you can! I love hearing your own reactions to these chapters.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"Welcome back, Sakura-san!" Sakura heard nearly a hundred times since she walked into work earlier that morning. It was a nice surprise coming back after being gone for nearly a week.

It had taken everything in her to get out of bed that morning to begin with, so the compliments and well wishes were welcomed.

_ **-flashback to earlier that morning-** _

_The alarm went off at quarter to six and Sakura whined quietly to herself as she untangled herself from Kakashi and rolled over to turn it off. She turned her head back over and found the shirtless man still sound asleep. They had gone to bed shortly after they cleaned up from their time together the night before._

_Rubbing her eyes, she reluctantly threw the comforter to the side and stepped out of bed. Sakura recoiled as her feet hit the cool wood floors and pouted to herself as she quickly padded her way through the dark to dresser and grabbed a fresh set of clothes and made her way to the bathroom. It took her by surprise when Kakashi mentioned he had cleared out a drawer for her to use while she stayed there. It made what he said the night before more real, she realized._

_He wanted her to stay with him. He wanted her to have a place in his life. It was a subtle way for him silently express his feelings towards her. She couldn't be more thankful for it._

_Eventually making her way back into the bedroom, she walked over to Kakashi and leaned down and gave him a kiss on the cheek._

"_I'm off to work. There's leftovers from dinner last night for you to eat for lunch." she whispered as she pulled the comforter over him more._

"_Hmm, okay." he mumbled as he caught her hand and brought it to his lips and kissed the back of it light, "Have a good day."_

_Sakura smiled warmly down to him as she gave him another peck on the cheek._

"_I get out at three, but I have to stop at my place and the green grocer on my way home."_

"_Eggplant?" he asked with a yawn as he cozied himself further into the bed._

_Sakura laughed quietly and nodded to him in the dark._

"_I'll grab an eggplant, don't worry. Go back to bed, sleepy head." she spoke quietly as she grabbed her backpack and headed out of the room._

_A quiet snore signalled to her that he easily fell back asleep. With a smile on her lips, she got her coat and boots on as she made her out into the chilly morning and headed towards work._

_ **-end flashback-** _

"So why did you take a sudden vacation?" Yuna asked as they sat at the nurses station before they officially started their shift, "You went from working insane hours for like a month to just being gone."

Sakura looked up from the mission roster she had been reading and shrugged as she stifled a yawn.

"I had some personal stuff come up that needed to be taken care of. It wasn't really a vacation, but it was definitely a nice break." she explained half heartedly.

"Is everything okay now?" the stout blonde nurse asked with a hint of worry.

The pinkette glanced off to the side and pondered the question. Was everything alright now? Not at all. But she turned back and gave her coworker and friend a confident smile and nod.

"It will be in time." she replied while standing up, "Yosh! Let's go knock out these appointments!"

Yuna replied with equal vigor as they each grabbed their pile of patient files and started their shift on a good note.

* * *

Waking up, Kakashi yawned deeply as he rolled and opened his eyes and found the other side of the bed empty.

'_Oh yeah… She went back to work today.'_

'_**No, she finally escaped today.'**_

The jounin just closed his eyes and sighed as he actively ignored the voice. He had refused to acknowledge it at all over the last nearly five days. It worked with helping him not spiral out of control. But, ignoring it wasn't fixing the problem. If anything the voice grew more and more vicious. It was saying worse things in hopes to gain a reaction from him. It's presence in his dreams was nearly nightly now and that's when he couldn't control himself and it affected his sleep to the point that if he didn't take a nap after lunch, he would be completely exhausted.

He got up and pulled the curtain open and let the morning light illuminate the room and quickly turned and walked to the dresser. He opened the second drawer and found all of Sakura's clothing in the same place that she had left it and let out a sigh of relief.

'_She's not gone. She promised she'd stay. We promised each other last night.'_

'_**She'd promise anything when she knows sex is involved. Quite the whore, don't you think?'**_

Kakashi just bit his lip at the whore comment and rolled his eyes as he closed the drawer and turned and started to strip the bed to wash the sheets.

'_I'll clean the house up for her while she's working.'_

'_**Now you're some housewife? She works while you take care of the home? Pathetic.'**_

He bit his tongue then as he stuffed the sheets and comforter into the washer and started it up.

'_**She holds your fate in her hands. You can't go back to duty until she says… Maybe she's trying to force you to retire? Then what good will you be?'**_

"No." he bit out, "Stop speaking about her like that."

He took a deep breath then and scolded himself for replying to the voice as he walked into the kitchen.

'_**You'll be a waste of space… She's turning you into her pet.'**_

Kakashi groaned as he gripped the sides of his head. The voice was working overtime right now. It never spoke this much. The last time it spoke this much was when it suggested that he try killing himself last week. He couldn't allow it to get to that point again.

'_I have to tell her.'_

'_**And she'll think you're insane! You'll never get to go back to duty if you tell her about me.'**_

The jounin felt as his face twisted as a pain tore through his body. This was increasing more and more. He leaned over and gripped the edge of the sink to support himself. The voice was right. If he told her, she would extend his time off indefinitely. He was already a week into his so called month of recovery, he couldn't mess up the progress he had made. Well, the outward progress he was showing. He was physically growing stronger everyday with the daily physical therapy she was giving him, but mentally he had made no progress. If anything he was going backwards.

'_**She's bad for you… She's ruining everything we have going on. You can't drink and you can't work because of her. She's controlling you. You're now her puppet.'**_

His grip tightened so much that he could see the white of his knuckles as he remained hunched over.

'_Please don't… Don't break down, Kakashi. Just because she's not here, doesn't mean you can let yourself slip. You can do this on your own too.'_

'_**Remember how you selfishly let Gijin die? Now it's your turn to go the same way he did.'**_

Kakashi gasped as he dropped to his knees and grabbed his head. How could he be in _this_ much pain?

"Please… Please don't remind me…" he whimpered as he felt hot tears roll down his face.

* * *

"I'm home!" Sakura called out as she entered the apartment and walked to the kitchen after kicking off her boots.

Work had flown by flawlessly and she couldn't be happier. As she promised, the pinkette had stopped at her place to get more clothes and check her mail before going to the green grocer.

'_If I continue to stay with him, my apartment seems useless. But I don't want to get rid of it just yet… in case things don't work out…'_ she thought the dreaded worry that followed her daily.

She knew it wouldn't end with the way things were going, but it didn't stop her from worrying. Her dreams of being with him were coming true. But it felt like it was all too good to be true.

"Welcome back." she heard him mumble from the couch.

Sakura glanced over to him after setting the bags on the counter and found him slumped over on the couch and immediately grew worried. She ripped off her coat and threw it over a chair as she made her way over to him.

"Hey, are you okay?" she asked as she kneeled down in front of him and placed a hand on his forearm.

He glanced up to her and she pursed her lips at how he looked. It was nearly identical to what he looked like when she first came over, over a month ago. It was the same clouded look that scared her then. She couldn't help but quickly glance around to see if there were any liquor bottles laying around and was relieved to see that the area was clear.

'_What happened while I was at work?'_

"Kakashi… You look absolutely exhausted."

He brought a hand up and tiredly rubbed his face. She noted the stubble on his chin and jaw as he dragged the hand across his face.

'_He didn't even shave today…'_

"I didn't get a chance to nap." he spoke after he dropped his hand back down into his lap and sat up more.

Sakura only grew more worried as he spoke. He was never the man that skipped out on naps or any form of sleeping. He had recovered for the most part from his sleep deprivation, but his nightmares required him to rest extra throughout the day. Kakashi still hadn't told her much of the nightmares and she only had the bits and pieces that he mumbled in his sleep. She got up and sat next to him on the couch and he quietly snaked his fingers between hers and she gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.

"Did something happen?"

"Got lost in thought and my mind wandered too far for my liking." he explained.

She gently tugged his hand and got him to look at her.

"Let's go lay down then." Sakura offered as she stood up and encouraged him to do the same, "You need some rest."

Kakashi stood and shook his head at her while letting go of her hand and wrapping an arm around her waist and carefully pulling her towards him. She quickly wrapped her arms around his midsection and looked up in time for him to give her a deep kiss.

"No, it's too late in the day for that. We still need to make dinner too." he replied when he pulled back, "How was your first day back?"

Sakura half frowned at him as she pulled away and walked back towards the kitchen as she spoke.

"It was fine. Don't go changing the subject now." she lightly chided the man, "How are you feeling?"

"Tired." she heard his voice not far behind her.

She shot him a pointed look as he nonchalantly started pulling out the groceries she got on her way home.

"Besides tired."

Lazy eyes glanced down to her and he half shrugged as he turned away and began putting things away.

"I've got a headache, but I already took some painkillers to help."

Sakura just half sighed and nodded at him as she began pulling out pans for dinner.

'_I wish he'd start opening up more…'_

* * *

After dinner Sakura declared no physical therapy or anything exercise related, stating he needed to rest. He was kind of bummed at that. He usually hated physical therapy, but he loved doing it in the privacy of his home with her. It was more intimate and he felt closer to her when she took the time to help him and watch her put her years of medical training into use. She had changed so much over the last six years since the war.

The evening had been rather unproductive as they lazed on the couch until she finally dragged them to bed when he started dozing off on the couch.

The voice had tormented him all day and he never got a chance to rest or even breath it seemed. He barely managed to get the laundry done and the bed remade by the time Sakura had gotten home. He had only collapsed onto the couch minutes before she walked in. It remained dead silent for the rest of the evening. Unsurprisingly.

He was asleep within minutes of laying down. He didn't even think Sakura was in bed yet.

'_**Such a pathetic life you live.'**_

_Kakashi blinked and found himself in the familiar gray haze and groaned as he quickly glanced around._

'_Can't I ever catch a break?'_

'_**Yes, you can, my friend.' **__the beast's voice came from behind him, _'_**Find a bottle of our favorite drink or the nearest kunai. Your choice.'**_

_He jerked around and found the black figure looming over him with a crooked smile. It was growing day by day now. It grew larger and more menacing with each passing night. Like it was growing stronger and stronger as he refused to do as it said. Kakashi refused to acknowledge the comments it just made. It only fueled the thing to continue to torment him._

'_**No? Maybe get rid of the woman? I personally think that's the best choice. Silence her forever?'**_

_Kakashi felt his breathing grow raggeded at the suggestion._

"_No." he nearly shouted, "Stop."_

_A bright flash blinded him briefly as he felt something grab his arm, but he jerked and jumped back and swung blindly and felt his fist connect with something. He turned and found the beast nearly face to face with him. The jounin gasped as he saw the razor sharp grin._

'_Did it actually grab me?!'_

'_**Good hit my friend, but your human fists will never hurt me. Try again?' **__it chuckled._

_Kakashi ready himself for a fight as he watched the figure stand upright again and swayed as it took a couple steps towards him._

'_**The only way to rid me is to do as I say. You're only making things harder as you refuse to listen. You listened so easy before. Now that wench is deciding things for you!'**_

'_I'll never hurt Sakura.'_

_An earth shaking laugh came from the beast then._

'_**Oh, but you have! You hurt her everyday! Just end it, Ka-ka-shi!'**_

"_No!"_

_He swung at the air and felt his fist connect with something again when he felt something brush his face and jumped to the side._

'_**Why? She's holding you back. Maybe you can drive her to kill herself like you did with Gijin? Yeah? She basically worships the ground you stand on just like he did.'**_

"_Stop it! Stop bringing Gijin up!" he yelled as the beast lunged at him and he fell back._

_Kakashi felt himself start to break as he felt pressure on his body and couldn't move. When he struggled to free himself, he felt his body become more restrained. He wanted to scream as the beast continued to laugh and chant over and over._

'_**Weak! Pathetic! Useless!'**_

_When he opened his eyes he's heart dropped when he found the beast holding him down. It's beady red eyes looked like pools of fire as it leaned towards his face while a slimy tongue ran over it's jagged teeth._

'_**I will never let you win.' **__it whispered low._

_Kakashi managed to pull an arm free as he used the adrenaline pumping through him and put all the strength he had into the swing as he watched his fist connect with the face above him. He grew confused with the beast begin cackling as another scream ripped through the air around him._

'_**My job here is done. For now…' **__the beast whispered as it pulled away and disappeared into thin air._

_Before Kakashi could even begin to wonder what that meant, he felt his entire body be shoved and begin to fall._

He gasped when he hit the floor and upon opening his eyes, he found himself on the floor of his bedroom. A quiet sob coming from the bed yanked him out of his head then.

"Sakura?" he called out as he got up.

He felt the wind get knocked out of him at the sight of her holding her bloodied face. Streams of tears ran down her face as they mixed with the blood coming from her nose and cut on her left cheek. Glassy green eyes stared up at him in disbelief as she panted through the pain. Kakashi's brain finally caught up with him and made his way over to her. She jerked and slapped his hand away when he reached out to her.

"Don't fucking touch me." she bit out as she made to get up and stumbled as she all but ran out of the bedroom.

'_What the fuck happened?' _he thought to himself as he turned and began to follow her.

'_**You did that.'**_

Kakashi froze in place at the three words it spoke. He quickly ran out of the room and found the bathroom door open and light pouring out into his living room. He found Sakura standing in front of the sink examining herself in the mirror.

"Sakura…" he called out as he made to stand in the doorway, not daring to approach her again right now.

He watched as the blood steadily dripped down and off her chin as it soaked into the fabric of her pale green sleep shirt. The entire shirt was ruined by the amount of blood it had collected onto it.

'_I did this…'_

He watched her blink and shook her head as if she was lost in her own head.

"It's okay. I can heal this."

Kakashi couldn't help the anger that flooded him then as he stepped up beside her. He had done this to her. Somehow as he slept, he laid his hands on her in such a way that he would never forever himself.

He had hurt her. _Really hurt her._

He had hurt her was worse than a bruised bottom. He reached up and felt the pain rip through himself when she flinched from his motion. As gently as he could, he cupped her chin and turned her head towards him and felt his own tears threaten to come.

"I-, I can't believe I did this…" he whispered before pursing his lips to stop his voice from cracking.

Sakura turned her head and pulled herself out of his hold as she looked forward again as she turned on the faucet and splashed some water on her face. He watched her winced from the pain it caused.

"You wouldn't stop hitting me." she mumbled as she repeated the action again and watched with her as the blood washed down the drain.

He clenched his fists at the statement. He glanced at his hand and noticed the blood. _Her blood _that stained his palm. His mind flashed back to the dream. That thing. That beast. It did this. It knew she was trying to wake him and played the roll perfectly to get him to react the worse. Those connected hits never hurt _it_. They hurt Sakura.

'_She's not safe around me. I hurt her even when she lays next to me.'_

"You wouldn't stop yelling. You woke me up by hitting me. I think that's when you broke my nose. You slammed your fist into my face."

Kakashi jerked up and watched as she furrowed her brows and green chakra emitted from her hands as she pressed the fingers against her nose. The sickening sound of cartilage being popped back into place mixed with a quiet cry from Sakura caused his heart to break.

'_I hurt her so badly…'_

"Then you screamed someone's name after you punched me in the ribs." she continued explaining his unconscious violence towards her.

His eyes fell down to her covered ribs briefly at that mention and couldn't help the stray tears that finally came to him.

"I'm so sorry… I don't know wha-" he tried speaking as he attempted to wipe away the hot tears.

It was the second time he had cried in less than a day. He had never felt more angry and ashamed of himself.

"Then you sucker punched me when I tried holding you down to get you to stop flailing around as I tried to wake you. It's like you couldn't hear me no matter how loudly I screamed your name. You only woke up because I shoved you off the bed and you hit the floor."

He let his body slump against the door frame as he let himself slide down and grabbed his head with his non-blood covered hand as he brought his knees up to his chest. He couldn't stand to hear how much he had hurt her. He had no control over himself anymore it seemed like. Everyday things got worse it seemed.

It was all becoming too much.

"You're not safe around me." he admitted as he let his head fall back and rest against the doorward and stared off into the darkness of the living room.

Sakura didn't reply as he heard her move. He glanced over and found her pulling the ruined shirt off and throw it on the floor. His eyes fell on the the large red mark on her ribs just under her left breast.

'_That's where I hit her…'_

"You're not safe around yourself." she shot back in a quiet voice as he watched her work more on her broken nose and cut on her cheek. She had stopped the bleeding easily and was working to repair the damage he caused.

He couldn't find the words to reply and they remained in a painful silence as she finished healing herself. She dispersed the healing chakra while she washed her face again to remove the now dried up blood and examine her work. With a confident nod, she opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out a couple bottles and swallowed the pills dry before she turned and examined her naked top half in the mirror again.

"None of my ribs are broken, thankfully." she spoke to no one in particular as he watched the green chakra return as she placed her hands over the damaged area.

"I still hurt you…" he mumbled as he let his head fall forward in shame.

He angrily stared at the dried blood that coated his fingers.

'_I can't allow her to let herself be used as a punching bag. I can't hurt her anymore. She doesn't deserve to let herself be used in such a way.'_

After a minute he heard her clear her throat and he looked up to find her watching him closely.

"Everything is healed up." she smiled weakly at him.

Kakashi stood up and took a half a step towards her and when she didn't flinch or jerk away he felt a wave of relief wash over him. She still cared for him. Hopefully. He took her hand and she instinctively walked into his hold and slid her arms around him and he quickly hugged her tightly.

"I'm so sorry." he whispered as he took a deep breath to stop himself from breaking down, "I can't believe I did this. I-I… can't…"

He felt Sakura pull away and found her looking up to him with sad eyes and a weak smile. Warm hands made their way to his face as she cupped his face and pulled him down and into a soft kiss.

"We'll figure this out, okay?" she whispered in between kisses, "You're not alone. Please don't push me away. I know you didn't do this on purpose. I know you care too much to do that on purpose."

Kakashi felt himself grow numb as she spoke those reassuring words. He felt so alone even with her in his arms. He couldn't explain to her how this voice, this _thing_, was what was causing his reactions. He couldn't explain how it toyed with him and tricked him into hurting her. How it haunted him while he was awake and in his dreams. How his head was a storm that was finally reaching the edge.

He was finally breaking.

He couldn't find the words to tell her how wrong she was, so he just nodded. A few seconds later they were in the bedroom again after he washed his hands. He stayed sat on the edge of the bed as she found and put on a clean and blood free shirt. He felt the bed dip next to him as he glanced up from staring at his hands and found her looking at him with a quizzical look.

"Can you tell me who Gijin is?"

He felt himself start to shake as she spoke the name and the voice cackled quietly in his head.

'_**Gotcha.'**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! Sorry for a long absence! I wanted to make sure this chapter wasn't rushed so there was a lot of TLC put towards writing it and editing it. 
> 
> So much happened and ahhhh I have big feelings about this story. How could a story that was just suppose to be a few chapters long turn into a multi chapter story with sooooo much depth. Ahhhhhh. 
> 
> Please tell me what you think! What do you think it going on inside that broken mans mind? What's going through HER mind? I love hearing your voices about this story, y'all. So please leave a review if you can!!
> 
> Thank you as always to Taytay95 for editing this painful beast!


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

"Can you tell me who Gijin is?" she asked tentatively after sitting down next to him.

It was a terrifying experience being woken from a deep sleep by a fist slamming down onto her face. She had gone to bed worried because of the state she found him in when she returned home from work. There was something deeper to this and he wasn't telling her. It was like he was afraid to speak of certain things. This was definitely something she didn't plan to do at three in the morning.

When he screamed this guys name after he punched her in the ribs, she knew it had to be something. She had no idea who Gijin was, but she was hoping that he would or could begin to tell her about him. Maybe it'd lead to some other stuff that he most likely needed to express, she thought.

When he froze and started violently shaking at the simple question, she regretted everything. She didn't want to upset him further. Sakura prayed this wasn't the final straw for him and he'd finally push her away. The pinkette turned more and grabbed the forearm closest to her and quickly spoke.

"You don't have to tell me if you can't." she back peddled, "I'm only asking because that's the name you screamed in your sleep when everything happened."

Kakashi didn't look at her as he clenched his fists tightly and watched as his face twisted in pain. She could feel every muscle in her arm flex and unflex as he worked his way through it.

'_I can't imagine the pain he might be experiencing inside his head…'_

"Are you in pain?" she asked next as she let a hand trail up his arm and rest on his shoulder, "Tell me where it hurts. Let me help you, Kakashi."

She bit her lip to hold back the tears as he silently shook his head. His expression suddenly went blank as he stared aimlessly at the floor.

"It's not something medical jutsu can fix." he mumbled after a second.

Sakura furrowed her brow at him. What did that mean? Was he experiencing something worse than physical pain? What exactly had he gone through over this last year to put him in such a horrible mental state? She knew his PTSD and depression were on the worst end of the spectrum, but she never could expect it to be _this_ bad. The mere mention of a name caused him to break down.

"He was a comrade that died because of me." he added before she could say anything and clamped her mouth shut as he continued, "I was supposed to die, but he went and killed himself so I could live. He was only seventeen. I _murdered him._"

The pinkette froze when he mentioned this pass at death.

"What do you mean?" she asked without thinking and quickly regretted it, fearing he'd clam up.

* * *

Kakashi just sighed as he brought his right arm up and ran his fingers through his messy hair. He wasn't sure how much he could say, but he had to explain himself. He had to tell her about this. He had been meaning too. It was what triggered the worst of it all. He really had to explain since he hurt her. He _broke_ her nose for fucks sake.

"I was supposed to die. I was the captain of the team and it was an S rank, basically an anbu level mission. I stupidly fell into a trap and got poisoned. I was prepared to die so my comrades could escape and live. To be honest, I wanted to die…" he spoke quietly.

The quiet gasp from Sakura indicated that he was finally opening up.

_ **-flashback-** _

"_You two go the back way. Gijin. You're coming with me. Avoid confrontation and if found, retreat. Understand? Do not engage in battle with them." Kakashi spoke the orders with authority._

_The three men all gave him a single nod and two quickly jumped away and Kakashi and Gijin stood. They were on a classified S rank mission in the southern Fire nation. An organization had been forming in the area and they had been ruthlessly killing any shinobi they came across. Only a few had survived and gotten away, but they all killed themselves within weeks of returning home. Some of the top jounin from Suna and Konoha had been taken out in the last few months. Both fresh faces and war heroes from the Fourth Great War had been snuffed by mere bandits._

_Kakashi and the team he had been leading only had one goal. Gather intel. Get in and get out. They had spent three days preparing as they watched the camp and today they'd gather as much info as possible and head back that night._

"_Kakashi-senpai, thank you for choosing me to do this with you." Gijin smiled to him after they had begun heading towards their location._

"_You've __proven __yourself." Kakashi gave him an eye crinkling smile and nod, "And, no senpai. I'm your captain."_

_The jounin was honest with his words. He had been impressed with the seventeen year old jounin. This was his fifth mission with him and he had grown fond of his comrade. Gijin may of been young, but Kakashi had seen a lot of himself in the kid. He was strong and too smart for his own good. The boy had openly admitted he basically idolized Kakashi and the silver haired man wouldn't admit it, but it was a nice feeling to hear such a thing._

_His anxiety and depression had been growing over the last nearly five years, since the war, and he felt hopeless most days. He kept his mind occupied by taking every mission he possibly could. You couldn't worry if you kept busy, he figured. So when Gijin finally entered into his life a couple months earlier, it was a tiny glimmer that maybe the future did have some promise after all. Not than the rest of Konoha's young shinobi held promise, but he made Gijin a special exception since he was working directly with him._

"_Sorry, taichou." Gijin corrected himself with an embarrassed smile._

_The pair idly chatted as they made their way to the location they'd stake out at. Once they started arriving, Kakashi brought a finger to his lips to signal the actual start of the mission. The two spent the next few hours watching and following what they figured out a couple days earlier was the leader of the organization. Neither had gotten any notification from the other two meaning that the mission had been successful so far on their end._

"_Taichou." Gijin spoke for the first time since they started scouting._

_Kakashi glanced over and found Gijin pointing in a direction he hadn't been watching and found nothing._

"_They were there and suddenly they weren't." the young man informed him, "I literally only blinked."_

_Kakashi looked back over to his spot and found that the leader was gone and immediately went on high alert. He opened his mouth to tell them to retreat but failed when the tree they were in exploded and sent them flying in opposite directions._

'_Fuck…' he thought as he landed on his feet and quickly jump and flipped away from the immediate danger._

_He saw a green flak jacket flash by him and gave a relieved sigh when he realized it was Gijin. They were safe for that moment, but Kakashi was more annoyed with the fact that they had been caught. Neither had moved a millimeter in two hours after following the men and they both had their scents and chakra signatures masked perfectly._

_Quickly looking at Gijin they started their escape and began retreating back into the forest. Another explosion sent them forward as they attempted to avoid it only to be met with another explosion under their feet. Piercing screams filled the air and Kakashi looked around and didn't see the brown haired man and bit his lip as he attempted another escape._

'_They're trying to separate us.'_

_Before he could react in time, he smelled something sweet in the air and covered his mouth and nose. But it was too late, the poison had filled the air area as it mixed with the dust from the explosions. He had never noticed the clever cover. Kakashi felt his legs become shaky as he kept trying to run away and out of the cloud of dust mixed with hopefully not lethal poison. He frantically scanned the area as he felt his body grow sluggish and heavy as he reached for a kunai from his pouch._

"_Taichou!" he heard Gijin shout from somewhere in front of him, but couldn't reach him as figured stepped in his path._

_Kakashi prepped for a fight as he lunged at them readying the kunai. Then suddenly everything went black as he heard a deep cackling laugh._

_Kakashi blinked as he found himself in a gray haze and reached for his weapons pouch and found it wasn't there. He looked down and found his flakjack and all weapons packs gone. That same deep cackling laugh sounded and he jerked around and found nothing._

"_How wonderful. To kill the Copy Ninja himself. The best kill to date."_ _he heard the whispered voice say, "Oh, how your head is filled with such trouble. Obviously in order to become infamous, one must suffer a life of pain."_

_Something moved in his peripheral and he turned and saw a black figure walking away into the haze._

'_What the…'_

_He blinked again and the haze was gone and he found himself back into what he assumed was reality. He felt pain as it ripped through his body then realized he was being dragged over rough ground. He stared at the ground as he listened to the two men dragging his body talk, neither having realized the jounin was conscious again._

"_Man, Chitose-sama really got excited when he caught this guy." the man on the left spoke, "I have never seen him go through someone's head like that before."_

_Kakashi went on alert at that. He had gone through his head? What did that mean? Did Chitose use a jutsu to attempt to pull village secrets from him? Had this man done this to other shinobi they've killed over the last few months?_

'_This isn't good.' he thought to himself._

_If this was true then Suna and Konoha were possibly in great danger._

"_You idiot, this the Copycat Ninja himself! Hatake Kakashi. Do you know how much his head is worth in the bingo book? Not only is he going to kill him later, but he gets to make a fortune in the process. It's a win-win for all of us."_

_Kakashi mental took all the notes from these two loud mouth henchmen. They made no mention of Gijin and he assumed and hoped that the young shinobi was able to get away and get to the rest of the team._

'_Well, let's hope I can figure out a way out of this… If not, guess I finally reached my end.'_

_He wiggled his fingers and ankles and quickly realized he was bound and couldn't make a quick escape. The pain he woke with suddenly amplified and his entire body seized as everything went to black again._

"_Wakey, wakey, Ka-ka-shi." the familiar voice spoke._

_Before Kakashi could open his eyes or respond, he felt a fist grab a handful of hair and yank his head up. He suppressed the irritated groan of pain as he cracked open an eye. The face of the leader was inches away from his own and Kakashi refused to show any emotion in response._

'_Chitose.'_

_Kakashi studied the man close. Pointed yellowed teeth flashed as he spoke with a wild smile. This was the man that had supposedly been in his head earlier. He needed to figure out how to get away. To get the news that this man apparently possess a jutsu to get inside his head to find info to his team. Was this man a Yamanaka who defected during the last war? He didn't look like one, but that didn't mean anything. There were very few people or clans that possessed such a skill._

"_Aren't you excited? You get to die." Chitose asked him._

_He didn't reply and watched the beady red eyes of the lanky man narrow before he frowned. Kakashi never gave captors what they wanted in terms of reactions. He hadn't been caught in nearly fifteen years, so he was more frustrated with himself more than anything else._

"_Speechless, maybe?" he asked next in hopes to get a response._

_The jounin kept his mouth shut as he watched the man grow more frustrated with him. He suddenly felt his head get shoved forward as a bony knee connected with his face. He was released and let his body drop to the ground and instinctively curled in pain. He was sure this broke his nose as he felt his mask soak the blood up._

"_I can't even have fun with killing you." Chitose spat, "You Konoha shinobi and your damned Will of Fire code of conduct. Die with honor? There is no honor when you die. You failed! You are a disgrace! You just caused more issues for your village because now they'll send more of you to me. You're causing more men and women to come to their deaths."_

_Kakashi felt his body seize again in pain once the man finished speaking. He gasped as he struggled to breath. Why was his body acting in such a way? Was is that poison he inhaled earlier? It was fast acting and long lasting? His head felt like it wanted to explode and it wasn't even from the swelling from his broken nose. What had the enemy done to him?_

"_Come now, you two. Sit him back up. I'm tired of waiting. It's time for him to die. He is of no use anymore. I've gone through every nook and cranny already."_

_He felt a couple pair of hands on his body and roughly pull him up and forced him to sit more upright than before. He took a couple deep breaths as he quickly scanned the area. It was an unfamiliar field and from as far as he could see, it was just him, Chitose, and the two henchmen that brought him here. Hopefully Gijin and the others were already on the way back to Konoha._

"_Jin, my katana."_

_Kakashi felt a sudden intense calm come over him then. He couldn't explain it, but he no longer wanted to fight back in that moment. He was bound and hindered by a poison. There was nothing he could do._

_He had lived his life. It was okay that he was going to die. He was thirty six years old. He made a good name for himself with the conclusion of the war almost six years ago. His anxiety and depression were growing worse year by year. This was the perfect way to go out._

_He knew he should fight back. He should attempt to escape. He had information to give to the village. But he couldn't fight back, his mind and body wouldn't react in the way he knew they should. It was like he was no longer in control._

'_Was this how he killed the others?' Kakashi passively thought, 'Poison us to the point that we don't want to fight?'_

_He heard the men move around and the sound of the sword being pulled out. He suppressed the content smile under his mask as he heard his end approaching. He felt the cool metal rest against the back of his neck and closed his eyes._

'_Everyone. Please forgive me. I know this is selfish, but it needs to be done. I'm so tired.'_

_The blade drew back and he took a deep breath and exhaled as he anticipated the end. His end._

_The sudden sound of metal clashing with metal ripped him from his peaceful mind. He jerked up and saw as Gijin suddenly made an appearance onto the field._

"_Taichou!" Gijin shouted as he sent a spray of kunai towards the three enemies which they easily deflected._

"_Gijin! Go!" Kakashi shouted angrily, "Retreat! Don't engage! Chitose has a jutsu to read inside our heads! Get back to the village to relay!"_

_The young man ignored his commands as he continued rushing towards him. He suddenly felt the blade of the katana press against his throat and a hand grab a fistful of hair as Chitose started shouting._

"_Move an inch and his head comes off!"_

_Gijin stopped dead in his tracks as his eyes locked with Kakashi's. He couldn't believe this was happening. He was so close. So close to reaching his end. And on his terms!_

"_You can't kill him." Gijin said firmly with clenched fists._

'_Just run…'_

_The sound a hearty chuckle echoed across the field. Kakashi bit the inside of his cheek when he felt his head get tugged to the side as a result._

"_Oh, but I can. I've got the upper hand here. One twitch of my wrist and off comes his head."_

"_You can't! You can't ki-"_

"_Gijin! You idiot!" Kakashi shouted, "Fucking run! Get back to Kono-"_

_He couldn't help but suck in a breath and stop talking when he felt the blade push in slightly as a pinprick of pain shot through him. He felt something warm soak into the fabric of his masked throat and quickly realized the katana easily sliced his mask and nicked him._

"_Quiet you." Chitose bit out at him before the man returned his attention to his comrade, "Give me one good reason, boy, why I shouldn't kill him. His head is worth quite a bit, you know?"_

_Kakashi looked back over to Gijin and saw him frown._

"_Let him live. He can tell others how close he was to dying at your hands. Think of the credibility you could gain."_

_Chitose hummed as his thought over what he had to say._

"_But killing him does the exact same thing and it's one less pest to deal with. Plus, like I said, he's worth a pretty penny."_

_Kakashi let out a throaty groan as he felt the blade push back against his throat and clearly felt as the blade cut deeper._

"_No! Please!" Gijin screamed, "What do you want in place of his life!?"_

_The jounin felt the blade pull back enough that he felt safe enough to take a deep breath. He suddenly grew fearful when Chitose didn't reply immediately to Gijins plea. He shifted his eyes up and saw the man staring hard across the field to where the young man was standing._

"_You're very determined. I admire that. What was your name? Gijin was it? You're young, but it seems that you're very close with him. That's why you came to rescue him, right?"_

_Kakashi darted his eyes back over to the brown haired boy. Gijin furrowed his brows in response to Chitose. He felt a sense of dread suddenly wash over him as the enemies words sank in._

'_Don't…'_

"_You admire him, don't you? Obviously look up to him. He's a famous shinobi who you've worked with quite a bit it seems. So of course your close with him. You don't want to see him snuffed out like this. In such a pathetic manner."_

"_Please…" Kakashi spoke in a hushed whisper._

_He felt the blade tap gently against his throat and the hand that clenched the fistful of hair tightened and he pursed his lips. He couldn't believe he was so vulnerable. So exposed. His death would be humiliating at this point._

"_You'd do anything? Anything to spare this pathetic man's life?" Chitose suddenly asked._

"_Yes." Gijin replied immediately._

"_No!" Kakashi shouted then felt the blade press into him again._

_Gijin stepped and half reached out towards him and stopped when Chitose cleared his throat._

"_Your life for his?"_

_When he looked over to his comrade their eyes met immediately. Kakashi tried to shake his head to tell Gijin not to be so stupid, but failed as the blade tapped his throat again. He could feel he was steadily bleeding at this point from Chitose's constant reminders that he was one swift movement from death._

'_God, please don't be stupid. Gijin, be smart. Let me die.' he internally pleaded._

_He watched the expression on his friends face slowly shift into something blank and unreadable._

"_You promise to let him live?" Gijin asked._

"_Of course!" Chitose replied happily, "I may be a "bad guy" as you say, but I'm no liar. I actually quite admire your bravery right now. Most men, evil or good, would sell out their comrades in a heartbeat to survive. You're worthy in my eyes."_

_Silence filled the air and Kakashi couldn't shake the feeling of horror consuming him. This couldn't be happening right now. He should've been dead by now. Been in heaven or hell, wherever whatever higher being decided he should go to._

"_Okay. But you release Kakashi first. Let him get away."_

"_Gijin!" he shouted, but felt no blade tap him like he expected._

_The grip on his hair loosened briefly before he felt a wave of dizziness overcome him. It took everything in him to no slump over and pass out._

"_Can't do that. You get to have your way in this deal, but I also have a request. He must watch your life come to an end. Very honorable to watch a man trade in his life for yours, don't you think? Kakashi?"_

_Chitose yanked up his head to look at him clearly. Kakashi hissed in pain from the open cut on his throat being stretched. He felt he may vomit any second as the world swayed around him._

"_Gijin." Kakashi bit out as he moved his eyes towards the boy, "Please just leave. Do not defy my orders! I am your captain until the end!"_

_There was a brief pause before he got a reply._

"_Sorry, taichou. I have to ignore your orders this time."_

"_So ungrateful… The boy is going to die for you and this is how you show your thanks? Selfish, selfish, selfish…"_

"_No!" Kakashi yelled as he jerked his head back toward Gijin and ignored the searing pain of Chitose grip in his hair and the wave of nausea, "Do not do this!"_

"_It's my choice!" Gijin shouted back, "I have final say!"_

_That same hearty laugh from the lanky man echoed again._

"_Okay, enough. My decision has been made. The boy has spared your life, Copy Nin. You two," he turned and spoke to his two henchmen who remained battled ready the entire time, "Come place your tantos in place of my sword. One in the front and one in the back."_

_The two men silently moved and he felt two blades gently rest against his throat then. He clenched his bound wrists and shifted as he remained knelt on the ground._

"_No funny moves, Hatake. Or off it goes." Chitose spoke smugly as he felt the weight of the katana pull away from him, "You, boy. Gijin, right? Remove all your weapons packs and throw them far behind you and then take five paces towards me. No tricks or your idols head comes off, okay?"_

_Kakashi felt his world begin crashing around him as he watched Gijin remove all his weapons and throw them behind him before he took the steps towards them._

'_Please. No…'_

_Chitose stepped in front of him and blocked his view of his comrade._

"_Hands in the air. Okay, good. There is no one in the forest watching is there?"_

"_No." Kakashi heard Gijin confirm, "The others did go to retrieve help so… you better hurry or lest you get caught."_

_He watched the man's shoulders shake as he chuckled at what the man said._

"_Eager to die I see. Fine by me. Take three more steps forward and kneel before me. Cross your ankles so you can't easily jump either."_

"_Gijin… Please! Run!" Kakashi tried pleading again, but felt both blades push into his throat ever so slightly._

_Chitose turned and raised a single bushy brow at him and smirked._

"_Be thankful, Kakashi. You'll get to suffer the rest of your days knowing that every breath you take is because someone placed your life over theirs. This boy shows more honor than any man I've fought from Konoha so far."_

_He couldn't help but release a shaky breath then. There was no way that Chitose was going to let him live after killing Gijin. Evil never played fair._

"_Arms behind your back." Chitose returned his attention back to Gijin as she stepped up beside him and lifted his katana so the tip just barely brushed the boys chin, "Any last words?"_

_Gijin looked up from the ground and locked his eyes with Kakashi's. He felt the threat of tears when the boy smiled happily at him and nodded once._

"_You must live on… Senpai."_

_Before the words could register, Chitose lifted and struck down. Kakashi froze as he watched the boys smile remain on his face as his head fell to the ground with a sickening thump and roll towards him while his body suddenly slumped off to the side._

"_No… No!" Kakashi sobbed out as his eyes remained fixated on the decapitated head just feet in front of him._

"_What a bittersweet ending." Chitose mused as he continued to scream incoherently, "But, I made a promise to the boy. You do get to live."_

_Kakashi jerked up and looked at him as pure rage filled him._

"_And if he was serious about reinforcements coming, then that means I have to get going."_

"_I will kill you." the jounin spat at him._

"_No, you won't." Chitose hummed happily as he turned to face him finally, "Because I've already got what I wanted out of you."_

_Kakashi watched as the man tapped his own temple as he started towards him._

"_I got to peek inside that head of yours. You knew a lot, but you were strong enough to hide away the things I needed to know about the Leaf. Very, very well guarded. However, the more personal side of you was completely open. Now that was a treat to see."_

_Chitose waved his hand and the two men removed their blades from his throat and he stepped up to him._

"_You're pretty damaged. Two wars, over a decade of Anbu, constant blood shed, watching those dearest to you die right before your very eyes…" he half glanced back towards Gijin's remains at the last part, "It takes a toll not only on your mind, but eventually your body too."_

_The man squatted down in front of him and smiled brightly._

"_You won't live long enough to kill me. Trust me, I know." he finished as he tapped the side of his head again._

_Before Kakashi could ask him what he meant. He watched Chitose snap his fingers and searing pain shot through his body like earlier and suddenly everything went to black._

_ **-end flashback-** _

"Next thing I know, I woke up in the hospital back here in Konoha." he breathed out as he finally finished recalling everything that happened on that day.

He felt numb as he sat there. The bed shifted and he couldn't bring himself to turn and look at her. He felt ashamed of himself for some reason. He had seen plenty of his comrades die and, yes, it affected him. But, this time it as different. It was like a dam had burst and everything came rushing out.

"Thank you." Sakura whispered as he felt her lean against him and place a soft kiss on his cheek, "Thank you for telling me this."

He felt a small hand run soothing circles up and down his back as she rested her head on his shoulder. They sat like that for a few minutes before he felt the exhaustion creep into him.

"We should go to bed." he mumbled as he finally looked down to her.

It broke his heart and sent another wave of guilt through him to see that her eyes were red and puffy from crying. He had hurt her enough already that night and telling her this had only cut her deeper.

"Okay." she whispered as she shifted and stood up and pointed as her face and gave him an apologetic smile, "Let me go rewash my face quick. You lay down, I'll be back in a minute."

Kakashi nodded as he scooted further back onto the bed and made his way back under the comforter. Moments later he had her back in his arms and held her close.

"Rest." she whispered, "I'm not going anywhere."

He instinctively kissed the top of her head as he let his eyes drift shut. He took a deep breath as sleep ebbed it's way in.

'_**What a wonderful story that was.'**_

His eyes shot open as he stared into the darkness of the room as the voice laughed in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! Why not start the new year off with tears! Because that's what I shed multiple times while writing this! 
> 
> Please leave me a review if you can because this was a major turning point in this story!
> 
> Thank you as always to Taytay95 for being a bomb ass beta.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

The alarm blared and Sakura jerked awake from the unwelcome noise. She quickly rolled out of Kakashi's embrace and turned it off before she returned back to him. She pressed her face into his chest and let out a content sigh as she quickly tried to return to sleep.

"What are you doing?" his voice was quiet but questioning.

Sakura pulled back from him slightly and looked at him in the darkness. Had he been awake for a while or did he wake with the alarm?

"I'm going back to bed?"

"You're not going to get up for work?" Kakashi asked next.

She just shook her head as she attempted to snuggle back up to him.

"No. I'm not going in today."

She felt his hand on her shoulder as he prevented her from embracing him and she grew confused. She watched as he moved and sat up and leaned away from her. She quickly closed her eyes when the light from the lamp on the nightstand illuminated the room.

"You need to go to work." he stated firmly.

Sakura quickly sat up and looked at him with a disapproving gaze.

"No, I can't! Not after what happened. You shouldn't b-"

"_Go_."

Sakura sucked in a breath at how blunt the word came out.

"Not like that." he quickly added as he softened his tone, "_Go_ to work. Please don't let my issues affect that."

She grabbed his hand that was close to her and she shook her head. How could she convince him that this wasn't something she could just accept.

"You looked like a wreck yesterday when I got home!" she shot back.

'_He can't expect me to leave him after that. After what happened last night.'_

"I'm fine. I can survive another day. I promise. I won't let my mind wander like it did yesterday."

The pinkette could only give him a blank look. He was acting like nothing significant had happened yesterday. That he didn't struggle and that he didn't have that borderline melt down after telling her about Gijin. She still couldn't believe that the boy had done such a thing. He gave up his life so Kakashi could live. Granted she wasn't in a position herself in saying she wouldn't sacrifice herself for him because she knew she would. But that was something he didn't need to know right now. Not with how weak he was mentally currently.

'_Why won't he just tell me what's really wrong.'_

"That's not very reassuring, you know." she pointed out as she tangled her fingers with his.

There was a pause before he cleared his throat. Sakura looked up to find him regarding her with certainty.

"How about this? If anything goes wrong. I get the wrong thought or become overwhelmed… I'll call you. Okay?"

She stared hard at him to see if he was being honest.

"Promise?"

He nodded firmly as he brought her hand up and kissed over her knuckles.

"Yes. Now get going before you're late." he urged.

She paused as she built up the energy to move. She continued to stare hard at him in hopes that he would change his mind and tell her to stay, but he only encouraged her with a smile.

"Okay." she sighed as she threw the blankets off of her and reluctantly got up.

"Have a good day, okay?" he said as he walked her to the door.

Sakura shot him a side eyed look as she got her boots on before facing him.

"Eager to kick me out?" she tried teasing.

"Kick you out only for the next, uh, nine hours?" he teased back with a quirked brow, "I'll welcome you back with open arms after three."

She just rolled her eyes at him as she shrugged on her coat before the smile overtook her. He had a way with words that suited him so well, yet had that tone that was just meant for her. She stood on her tip toes and kissed the corner of his mouth and nodded.

"Okay. I guess I can work with that." she replied, "Now go back to bed. You're already on lack of sleep because of last night. Let's not chance things?"

He quietly agreed with her as he leaned down and gave her a deep kiss.

"Don't worry. Planned on going back to bed here in a minute."

Work was uneventful so far and Sakura kept herself occupied so she couldn't stop long enough and dwell. Dwell on the fact that roughly nine hours earlier she was standing in the bathroom fixing a bloody broken nose that Kakashi had inflicted.

'_It was like he was fighting for his life…'_ she thought as she filled out the report after a check up for a shinobi that returned from a C rank mission, '_What was he even dreaming about? __**Who**_ _was he talking to invoke such fear? There's no way it was that boy he was talking too. He spoke too fondly of him.'_

"Haruno Sakura?"

The medic froze at her name being called. Slowly she turned to come face to face with an Anbu soldier and felt her heart drop.

'_Oh god… Kakashi.'_

"Yes?" she replied weakly after finding her voice.

"Hokage-sama requests your immediate presence."

A rush of relief came to her and she nearly swayed from the dizziness that ensued.

'_Thank goodness.'_

"Oh, okay." she quickly replied and turned and closed the file she was working on and glanced up to see Yuna watching her carefully, "I don't know how long I'll be, Yuna. Are you okay with me leaving?"

"Of course, Sakura-san! Go! Tsunade-sama needs you!" the stout blonde cheerily replied.

"Right." she nodded as she turned to find the Anbu soldier patiently waiting for her and took a deep breath, "Right."

Not long after, Sakura found herself standing in front of Tsunade's desk as she quickly barked orders to some jounin before he nodded and left. She wondered why she had requested her presence. Sakura had a weekly meeting with her pertaining to the clinic, so this had to be important to pull her from work.

"Sakura. Good to see you! You practically live at the hospital, huh?" Tsunade smiled at her.

Sakura smiled shyly as she swung her arms loosely next to her sides before clasping them behind her.

"It's rewarding work, what can I say?"

Tsunade regarded her warmly as she looked down at her desk and pushed a couple files away and grabbed a couple new news and a scroll from another pile she had.

"You're not overworking yourself are you?" she asked next.

The pinkette smiled at her mentor and shook her head.

"Nope. I actually took a couple days off last week."

"Oh? Do anything special? Or just relaxed?"

'_Well… Does taking care of a man you're head over heels for who's on the verge of a mental breakdown count as relaxing?'_

"Yes. Actually quite relaxed." Sakura answered honestly.

'_I'd do anything for him.'_

Tsunade looked back up to her then and flashed an excited smile then.

"Great! Then that means you're plenty rested up for this mission I'm assigning you."

She couldn't explain the shocked sensation that ran up her spine then as her hands dropped back to her sides. The earlier smile she had dropped and faded instantly. She hadn't been on a mission in nearly two years since she got her promotion at the hospital as one of the lead nurses.

"A-a mission?" she sputtered, "Why? Why me?"

Tsunade gave her a confused look at her sudden behavior change.

"Because you're a shinobi that's why? You're a jounin? Plus, you're the only medic I can trust on this mission."

It was Sakura's turn to give her a confused look.

"It's A rank, but nothing too tough. I need you to go to Suna. There's been a consistent string of poisonings against their jounin, even some of ours, and they can't quite get a sound antidote made up. Shizune is currently on her own mission out in Iwa, so you're my next best poison specialist to go and help."

Sakura just internally sighed as she listened to her mentor speak.

"How long will this mission take?"

"Hmmm. With your skills just under two weeks?" the blonde replied.

'_I can't leave Kakashi for that long…'_

"I… I'm sorry, but I can't accept this mission, shishou." she mumbled quietly.

"What?" the Hokage jerked a brow up at her, "You're saying you can't accept?"

The pinkette just nodded once to confirm. Tsunade just scoffed with a smile as she sat back in her chair and looked more pointedly at her.

"_I'm sorry_, but you can't deny this mission. You're stuck."

'_No. I can't do this to him…'_

"And what if I still refuse?"

"I send you to prison for insubordination."

Sakura bit her lip at the statement.

"That's a bit extreme, don't you think?" she shot back.

Tsunade only nodded at her as she leaned back forward and rested her elbows on the desk and clasped her fingers and set her chin on them.

"If I have no choice, then can I make a request?"

The Hokage just continued staring at her.

"May I request to have Kakashi as a bodyguard on this mission?"

"No." Tsunade snapped back immediately with a smile.

Sakura stiffened at the snap.

"Why not?" she argued.

She could obviously tell the woman was growing irritated with her behavior, but she couldn't help it. She needed to push back a little bit.

"For starters, you are _more_ than capable of taking care of yourself. Plus, Hatake cannot partake because if you forgot, you took him off the rosters yourself. Remember? Malnourished and sleep deprived from being a prisoner of war for two weeks?"

'_Damn me and my diagnosis.' _she silently berated herself.

"_And,_ this is a non-combat mission, so you don't need protection to even begin with."

She just nodded as she gripped her hands at her sides. There was no way of getting out of this and admitted defeat.

"When do I leave?"

"Tomorrow. Train leaves at noon. You have the rest of the day to prepare." Tsunade confirmed as she tossed a missions scroll and she caught it easily.

Sakura sucked in a breath at the information, but wasn't surprised. It was a mission to solve a poisoning issue and she needed to leave as soon as possible. She just nodded and bowed deeply.

"Understood."

Standing up straight, Sakura made to leave and the sound of her mentor clearing her throat made her stop and turn back.

"Sakura?" the way she said her name caught her attention.

"Yes, shishou?"

The hazel eyed women regarded her sadly before she gave her a reassuring smile.

"Is everything alright? You seem tense."

Before she could register what she was saying, Sakura smiled and nodded.

"I'm fine, but a bit nervous. It's been a while since I've been on a mission, that's why I asked for Kakashi."

Tsunade seemed to have bought her blatant lie and nodded.

"Well, good luck. I know you got this. Dismissed."

Without another word, Sakura walked out of the Hokage's office clutching the mission scroll to her chest.

'_What am I going to tell him?'_

* * *

Kakashi sat down with a cup of coffee and sighed happily. The voice had kept quiet and he was able to get back to bed and catch up on much needed sleep. When he finally rolled out of bed, it was a little after noon.

'_No need for a nap today.' _he mused happily as he took a welcome drink of the bitter black coffee.

The sound of his front door opening pulled him out of his thoughts and he turned his head to find Sakura walking in. Kakashi quickly sat down his mug and walked over to her. Why was she coming home now? Did something happen? She looked visibly upset.

"Sakura?"

She pursed her lips and stuffed her hand in her pocket and pulled out a scroll and handed it to him. He looked down and felt the blood drain from his face as she stepped away and removed her coat and hung it up behind the door.

"A mission scroll?" he asked as he looked up to find a defeated look on her face.

"Two years." she replied quietly, "It's been nearly two years since I've been on a mission. And now, out of any other time, Tsunade-sama wants to send me out on one."

He could hear the bitterness in her voice as she spoke. Sakura stepped past him and walked into the living room and leaned against the back of the couch and crossed her arms in front of her. The pinkette looked completely livid.

"May I?" he asked as he held up the scroll.

She just nodded as a sigh escaped her. He quickly tore the seal and began reading the contents of the mission summons.

"Poisonings in Suna? It's A rank and not active combat. It should be an easy in and out for you."

The exasperated scoff that came from her made him look up from reading.

"That's not the point!" she softly whined as she threw her hands in the air, "I can't take this mission. I can't leave you for up to two weeks!"

Now it was his turn to look at her with exasperation.

"I'm fine. I can manage." he deadpanned.

"I don't want you to relapse." she shot back.

Kakashi just sigh as he made his way over to her. He felt a sense of shame as she voiced her concern. She was trying to restructure her life around him and his needs. He didn't want her to do that. He loved having her there and he loved her taking care of him, but he didn't want her to give up her life just for him.

'_I can't hold her back like this. She still needs to be an individual.'_

"You know I'm much stronger than that." he mumbled as he rolled up the scroll and tossed it onto the couch, "I can get by."

"I'm just so nervous."

The man turned and before he could start to reach over, she was already wrapping her arms around his midsection and burying her face into his chest. Kakashi could feel how nervous she actually was by how tight she held him. He quickly wrapped his arms around her shoulders and hugged her before taking a deep breath.

"I'm nervous too… but I, no, _we_ can do it. We're big kids." he tried lightening the mood.

He felt her shoulders shake as a small giggle escaped and he felt the tension drop. He wanted more moments like this. Last week had been quite blissful and if anything it motivated him to resist the urges and push forward with recovery. He didn't want to be miserable anymore. He didn't want to die anymore. The fact that she made that big of an impact on him in such a short period of time was groundbreaking for him.

'_I love her.'_

His eyes shot open when the thought came through. He looked down and studied the top of her head to see if she magically had heard his thoughts. When she didn't move, he hugged her tighter as he kissed the side of her head. He couldn't believe that he had that thought. Did he really love her? Or was it some effect from his dependency on her?

'_No. I made sure my feelings were true last week. I still felt the same then as I do now.'_

"When do you leave?" he asked as he loosened his embrace and took a half step back.

"Tomorrow at noon." she mumbled as she looked up to him.

Kakashi leaned down and kissed her cheek softly and hummed happily when he felt her smile in response.

"Then let's have a good day? No need to sulk around and bum us both out?"

He couldn't believe he was saying such things. He was desperately trying to keep her calm in all of this. She had every right to be nervous given what the last few days have dealt them both. He couldn't let her basically give up her life in order to be with him.

He was scared too. The only other time he and her had been separated for an extended period of time was when he was a prisoner of war. It wasn't by choice either. He knew he depended on her and he realized she knew that too. Could he really be okay on his own? He knows he should be, but thinking and doing are two different things.

"Sounds like a plan. Have you eaten?" Sakura smiled tightly as she finally pulled away and walked towards the kitchen.

He watched her as she walked away and admired the sight. She was going to try her best to make things be okay. She obviously felt at home here with him as he watched her move around the kitchen. She knew where everything was as she grabbed things for their lunch.

"No." he spoke up after a few seconds and started to make his way over to her, "I just woke up before you arrived home."

He stepped up next to her and laid a hand on her lower back and idly rubbed soothing circles. Kakashi smiled when he felt her relax into his touch. He watched as she started dicing up a few carrots and attempted to reach for one only to get a slap on the hand from her in response.

"Ah, ah." she lightly chided, "I'm making curry. Go start the rice, you mooch."

He fiend being in pain as he snatched the hand she hit against his chest and pouted. When she smiled and playfully scowled at him in response, he couldn't help his own smile as he turned and started prepping the rice like she requested.

'_I love her…'_

The rest of the day and evening had been relaxing. The voice was nonexistent and he couldn't be more thankful. Kakashi wanted his evening with her to be torment free. He even helped her pack her bag and prep for the mission. Sakura slowly accepted the fact that she was leaving and actually started to grow excited as she pulled out some scrolls she had brought from her place last week. He just lounged on the couch and idly watched some TV while she sat at the coffee table with her work.

"The sooner I can figure out this antidote, the faster I can get home." he heard her mumble.

He glanced over to find her in the same cross legged position hunched over the coffee table. She hadn't moved an inch since she sat down a couple hours earlier. She was scribbling notes into a notebook as she continued mumbling as she read one of her scrolls.

'_She's amazing.' _he thought as he heard her mumble out what sounded like an equation as she did some mathematics.

"You look like you're in your own little world." he spoke up and caused her to jump, "Yep, definitely in your own little world."

Sakura turned around and shot him a dirty look before she stuck her tongue out. He laughed quietly as he sat up behind her and leaned forward towards her. She eyed him for a second before turning back around. He smiled as he peeked over her shoulder and saw her notepad and the extensive notes and equations written all over it.

"Making any headway?"

He watched her stop writing as she quickly tapped her pen against the paper a few times before she sat it down and sighed.

"No…" she admitted defeated.

He pursed his lips at the defeat that laced her tone. She had been trying all night to break the poisons structure down from the information that was in the mission scroll. She had come to the same solutions that the medics in Suna had already come too.

"Well, look at it this way." he spoke softly as he sat up a bit and reached out and started to massage her shoulders, "You completed their three weeks of work in just a few hours. So, technically, you're ahead of schedule?"

He was happy to see her relax into his touch as he spoke and massaged her shoulders.

"Once you get there and see the patients and get some physical samples, I'm sure you will figure it out in no time."

Sakura sighed and rolled her head to the side and half peeked up at him.

"You think so?"

He half scoffed as he leaned down and kissed her cheek.

"Absolutely. You're Sakura Haruno, one of the best and smartest medics in the Fire Nation, if not the world. Now just put this all away and relax for the rest of the night with me." he mumbled as he kissed below her ear.

The pinkette hummed happily as he continued to kiss his way down her neck.

"Sounding a bit demanding, aren't we?" she teased as she scooted away from the coffee and sat between his knees.

Kakashi sat up and looked down to find her smiling knowingly up to him.

"Not demanding." he corrected her, "Kindly requesting."

He was taken aback when she suddenly turned and crawled up off the floor. He slowly leaned back against the couch as she crawled onto his lap and straddled him. He instinctively laid his hands on her bare thighs and trailed them up until he met the edges of her shorts.

"Then I accept." she spoke as her smile turned wicked.

Before he could reply, she kissed him. It was slow and he could feel every emotion she felt as they sat there enjoying the moment. Small hands travelled up his chest and he felt her fingers trace his jaw before they tangled into his messy hair. He couldn't help the groan that escaped when she shifted and her felt her rub against his quickly hardening cock.

Kakashi felt the change in her then as she broke the kiss and sat back to tear off her shirt.

* * *

Sakura felt the heat rush to her face when she felt his rough hands leave her thighs and run up her sides to her back and felt him pull her towards him again. She met his lips and hummed happily when his tongue invade her mouth. She felt his fingers make quick work of her bra as she helped him quickly remove it and throw it somewhere into the apartment.

Kakashi sighed happily as he kissed along her jaw and down her neck. Greedy hands quickly found her breasts and she moaned softly as she felt him run a thumb over a nipple and give it a teasing pinch.

"I'm going to miss you." Sakura whispered in between breaths as she tried pulling his shirt up from her position.

"Me too." Kakashi replied when he pulled back and glanced up to her.

He helped her remove his shirt and before she could swoop in for another kiss, he heaved forward and off the couch while hooking his hands under the back of her thighs. She couldn't stop the squeak that escaped as she hugged herself to him as he quickly entered the bedroom.

She smiled up to him as he carefully laid her down on the bed and started kissing down her throat and slowly made a path of kisses between the valley her breasts. Sakura instinctively pushed up and moaned loudly when Kakashi trailed his tongue just below her nipple before he took it and gave a teasing suck.

"Oh, fuck." the pinkette couldn't help the gasp.

The waves of pleasure washed over her as he worshipped her body. She felt his large hands on her shorts as he quickly undid them and yanked them down and off along with her panties. She felt his lips trail messy kisses down across her stomach. She sucked in a breath as his lips found hers. Her hands found his hair and she pushed down to create more friction. She couldn't stop the pleasured cry when she felt two fingers enter her and begin a slow pace. Sakura didn't realize how turned on she was as she felt herself growing wetter.

"Kakashi…" she panted as she felt herself already start to become overwhelmed.

Sakura groaned in disappointment when she felt him pull away and out of her so soon. She felt the bed shift and raise. When she opened her eyes, she found that Kakashi had got off the bed and was undoing his own pants and pulling them off along with his boxers. She bit her bottom lip as she watched him kick them off and pump himself a few times. Unspoken words travelled between them when their eyes met.

They didn't break eye contact once as he slowly crawled back onto the bed and scooted them up to the pillows. The mood shifted had flawlessly and the earlier eagerness and desperation was replaced with something new she hadn't felt yet with him. It had all slowed down as he leaned down and kissed her so gently that when he pulled away, she had to stop herself from pulling him back into another kiss.

His earlier rough touch was gone as blunt fingers trailed down her side before he rested his hand on her hip. Sakura felt special knowing that he was the only one who got to experience his side of him. That this strong, stoic, and sadly broken man treated her like she was a fragile flower. A shinobi who had killed hundreds, if not a thousand men. Who knew thousands of jutsu and could hold her in a gentle way that she felt every ounce of his affection. It was incomparable to anything she had ever experienced before.

She couldn't be more thankful for falling for such a man.

"I really will miss you." his gruff voice broke the heavy silence before he kissed the corner of her mouth.

Sakura couldn't help her smile as she moved her head and captured him into another kiss and felt his responding smile. She felt his body shift as he made himself more comfortable between her legs and she spread herself out further to accommodate him. He knew exactly how to make her happy. What to say to make her smile and feel important. The short time they had been together, in this weird kind of relationship, he had grown from pushing her away to pulling her in. The pinkette couldn't imagine life without him now.

She sucked in a quick breath when the tip of him bump against her core and felt Kakashi's smile turn into a cheeky smirk as he kissed her deeply again.

"Don't make me not want to go now." she half teased as she trailed teasing circles up his arms and shoulders before tangling her fingers into his messy mop.

Sakura let out a breathy laugh when he pulled back and gave her a pointed look at her statement. Soon she felt the hand on her hip move between her legs and give her a couple teasing strokes and then pull away. The electrifying shivers shot up her spine as she felt him rub the tip of his cock between her folds and coat himself before positioning himself.

Kakashi muffled her moans with another kiss as she felt him push in and then quickly pull out. Her moans turned into frustrated groans at his teasing actions. He trailed his kisses along her jaw as he repeated the action a few more times before he started up a quick pace.

"Fuck…" he moaned as he pushed himself up more and slowed his pace down.

Sakura opened her eyes and let them quickly fall to where they were connected and enjoyed the erotic sight as the pleasure spread and warm her body. She would always love watching his large hands grab her thighs as he thrusted into her. He wasn't being as passionate and rough with her like the other night, but she could tell he was trying to tell her something with his actions. The intensity was still the same, but it felt like he was trying to give her a good send off before she left for her mission in the morning.

She closed her eyes and let her hands trail up her body and run into her hair as he shifted and started hitting her right in her sweet spot. Her body involuntarily tensed up and twitched and Kakashi let out a guttural moan before cursing in a deep voice. His grip shifted from the tops of her thighs and hooked under her knees and held on tightly as he pushed them up further.

"Faster." she panted as she tried rolling her hips to help create more friction.

Kakashi hummed and she reopened her eyes and found him glancing at her with a devilish smile as he shook his head in disagreement. The pinkette sighed when she felt him purposely slow down further as he quickly leaned back over and pressed a single kiss into her shoulder before peppering more kissed up her neck to just below her ear.

"Why would I do that?" he whispered between the kisses, "I don't want this to end."

He bucked hard a few times at that and she gasped and ripped her hands from her hair and grabbed his shoulders to help steady herself when he caused her to scoot up the bed a bit. She felt so loved and appreciated at that moment. She almost wanted to start crying, but stopped herself when she grabbed his face and pulled him into a passionate kiss.

'_I need to show him how much I care.'_

She pulled back from the kiss and cleared her throat to get his attention. Dark eyes opened up and gave her a questioning look, silently asking if he did something wrong. She moved and pushed him up and he easily sat back and looked momentarily scared that she was suddenly rejecting him.

"I want to make you feel good." she quickly said as she took his hand and pulled him forward and encouraged him to lay down, "You focus so much on me… I want you to feel special too."

The fear left his eyes and was replaced with confusion as she crawled on top of him.

"You already focus on me." he said while she trailed her hands down his toned body, "Sometimes I worry you focus more on me than yourself."

Sakura paused her movements and glanced back up to him and found him regarding with a small smile. She quickly glanced away as she thought of a proper reply. She decided to be honest with him if they were going to talk about this topic right now. No better time to be honest and open than when you're naked in the middle of sex, right?

"I think about you when I make choices now." she mumbled as she looked back to him.

She needed to be firm and open with him. She needed to be confident. She _had_ to show him that she cared deeply. This wasn't just some fling to her. He knew that. He felt the same as far as she knew as well.

"It's not just about me anymore. It's about you too and… right now… I need, no, I _want_ to focus on you. I want you to get better, Kakashi. I want you to _feel_ better. To feel good all the time, not just part of the time."

She watched the mix of emotions cross his face as she spoke. She hadn't been this open about his recovery and what she seeked out of it. He knew she wanted to help him, but to hear her say that he's become part of her everyday must have been shocking to say the least. She had been afraid of being this open with him. Fearing that he'd hate to hear her say these things. That he would push her away and tell her to leave. But, his reaction was the opposite of what she expected.

She leaned down and kissed the corner of his mouth softly as she ran her hands over his chest and let a hand cup the side of his face. Sakura swallowed her worries as she looked him in the eye and found her resolve.

"I want you to be able to see what I see." she whispered.

Kakashi pursed his lips tightly then and she thought for a second that he may start crying, but he started to nod at her as if he was agreeing. She leaned down and kissed him again and felt his hesitation for a second but it quickly dissipated as he kissed her back. She worried that she managed to kill the mood, but she felt large hands grab onto her waist and snack them behind her back as he hugged her close. Sakura smiled into the kiss as she squeezed her hand between them and wrapped delicate fingers around his cock and lifted her hips to position him and slowly sank down onto him.

* * *

He hummed as the pleasure consumed them both. Kakashi had been so overcome with emotion when Sakura poured her heart out to him. The sincerity in her voice was moving beyond any words he could find to say back. He never wanted to let her go. He was on the brink of tears by the end and forced himself to hold them back in that moment. He hadn't cried in front of someone in many years and he wasn't ready for that to happen now, especially when there with both naked and in the middle of sex.

He couldn't stop smiling along with her as they covered each other in kisses as she pumped herself up and down him. Kakashi allowed his hands to travel down her back as he massaged her ass along with guiding her into a quicker pace. He felt like he had died and gone to heaven with how happy he felt as the minutes passed. He wanted her to never feel pain or any discomfort ever again. He couldn't comprehend how just a month ago, he wanted nothing more than to be dead. What could death cure when there was something more powerful right in front of him?

"I'm close…" she moaned as she sat up and rolled her hips.

Kakashi heard the plea and grabbed her hips and rolled them over so he was back on top. There was no way she could keep up now and they both knew it. Never once breaking his pace as he hooked a hand under her knee and pushed it up as he balanced himself on his other hand. He felt her briefly tighten around him and he let out another guttural groan when the ecstasy shot up his spine.

"Touch yourself." he moaned as he opened his eyes and found her massaging her breasts.

She kept one hand on a boob and tweaked her nipple as the other found her clit and began teasing it. He bit his lip hard as Sakura's lips formed a perfect O from the pleasure they felt since her legs quivered in the telltale sign.

"Oh god…" she cried out when he started bucking into her and her climax hit.

Kakashi groaned as he let go of her leg and hunched over her as he felt her orgasm all around him. He wasn't far behind as he jerked into her a few more times before he emptied himself. It felt like his entire body was on fire and the touch of her hands wrapping around his back caused him to fall deeper.

There would never be an option to turn back and he didn't care at all. Life was worth living when you loved something.

After a minute, he heard her sigh softly and he let his head drop down into the crook of her neck and inhaled deeply. It was comforting, her scent. He knew when Sakura left tomorrow that he would miss the comfort she brought him. Her presence alone was a security blanket for him and that's why he was so nervous. So scared. Nothing would be there to help him when things inevitably got bad.

He mustered the strength since he was growing cramped holding himself over her and pulled back and out of her before rolling to the side. It was like she knew what he wanted even before he thought himself and when Kakashi instinctively reached out to pull her towards him she was already halfway there as she laid her head on his shoulder and hugged her naked body up against him.

He smiled to himself as he glanced down and watched her wiggle and get comfortable as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. He never imagined that he would love cuddling, but with Sakura it felt natural and right. How had a single woman changed his entire world view? Kakashi knew it would be idiotic to take this, her, for granted. He thought peace was with solitude, but he could never imagine that he had been wrong for his entire life. Laying there, in that exact moment with Sakura in his arms, was the highest degree of peace he'd ever felt before.

"I'm really comfy and happy right now, but I really need to pee." she whined as she turned and buried her face into his neck.

He huffed in amusement as he patted her shoulder.

"It's okay, I kind of need to pee too." he admitted sheepishly.

They quickly got up and Kakashi grabbed his boxers and headed to the bathroom first while Sakura grabbed the thrown around clothes from the living room while she waited. When he came out, he found her in just his t-shirt and smiled as she smuggly walked past him with bundle of clothes in her arms to throw in the hamper and use the bathroom herself.

When he crawled back into bed, he glanced over to her side of the bed and noticed a handful of her personal items sitting there. A bottle of lotion, a couple hair ties, and a bottle of perfume. They weren't anything of major importance, but he loved that she had made herself at home here with him. He was surprised how easy it was for them to fall into a comfortable routine. How easy it was for her to become important to him. How easy he fell for her.

'_**Stop getting comfortable…'**_

He blinked and looked around the room when the voice made its debut. It had been silent since it made him attack Sakura last night. He had actually briefly forgotten about its existence since he had been so preoccupied with helping Sakura prep for her mission.

'_**She'll be gone soon. Oh, I am so excited, Ka-ka-shi.'**_

Kakashi shook his head in disagreement and forced himself to ignore it at the voice started spitting insults about Sakura towards him. The sound of the bathroom door opening pulled him out of growing anxiety and he turned and found a smiling pinkette walking into the room. Just the sight of her calmed his nerves. When she crawled under the blankets after turning off the light, he turned and pulled her in much to her surprise and felt nearly all his sudden worries leave.

"Getting to know this side of you has been fun." she mumbled as she rested an arm and her chin on his chest and looked up to meet his gaze in the dim light.

"Eh? This side of me?" he asked in clear confusion.

He felt her delicate fingers begin a soothing drum as she tapped each one against his bare chest in quick succession.

"Let me rephrase that. I thought I knew you well, given our history, but this last month I've gotten to know this other side of you that you've kept to yourself. I like it. A lot."

Kakashi wasn't sure how to reply to this admission. Sakura shifted then and rested her head on his shoulder and snuggled up alongside him. Her hand rested right over his heart while she continued speaking.

"I only knew this stoic and aloof side of you. You kept us all at arms length… and I understand now why you did. But getting to know this side of you… You opening up to me, even if it's just a bit," she said as she patted his chest gently before she lightly trailed her nail in a figure eight, "Its refreshing. It's nice watching you smile and truly relax around me."

He was watching her closely by the time she finished talking. It felt like she had pulled every weight off of his body from what she said, the only thing stopping him from floating away was her gentle hand on his chest. The jounin was speechless at her raw honesty. To know how she truly felt about him caused a rush of emotions he couldn't handle at that moment.

Was this what it was like when you were in love and loved someone so dearly?

Kakashi rolled onto his side and pulled her as close as he physically could and just held her as he buried his face into the top of her head. Sakura knew he was trying to reply and quickly matched his motions as she wrapped herself around him too. He took a couple deep breaths to clear up his racing thoughts.

"Thank you." he whispered as he kissed the top of her head, "I'm not good with words… or expressing myself. But, you make it easier. Easier to talk. Easier to breathe. Easier to live..."

He felt her arms tighten at his last sentence and he understood.

'_I feel safer when I'm with you… It's okay to be weak.'_

"Thank you." he whispered again.

They held each other close for a while after that. Neither exchanging a word as they allowed the silence to speak for them. Sometimes words didn't need to be said for things to be revealed.

Eventually, as sleep started to ebb its way into them, they loosened their embrace and he found himself cuddling into her. She laid back and lifted her arm as he rolled onto his stomach and buried his face into the crook of her neck. He inhaled deeply as the sound of her slow and even breaths lulled him to sleep.

'_I'm going to miss you…'_

'_**Pathetic.'**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Long time no see! I got a new job and don't really get as much time to write as I used too. But I've gotten some written ahead so hopefully I can post regularly.
> 
> A lot happened just now! Our girl has to leave him and I'm so scared... What do you think will happen? They're kind of back to not fully expressing themselves and it frustrates me to no end, lmao.
> 
> Please leave a review if you can! I really do appreciate your feedback on this story! 
> 
> Thank you as always to Taytay95 for being an amazing beta and friend. She has been so supportive of this story since I randomly came up with the idea all those months ago. Go check out her works!


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

The day Sakura left was bittersweet for both of them. Neither wanted to be the first to crawl out of bed and they ended up lying there until the last possible minute. When she grabbed her bag to get ready to leave, Kakashi had taken it from her and told her he'd like to walk her to the station.

"_You don't have to do that." she said as she stepped up to him._

"_I want too." he reasoned as he pulled on his boots before motioning her to follow him, "Plus, I should get some fresh air. I've been hiding away for the last week."_

_She couldn't really argue that fact and nodded as they got their coats on and stepped out into the cold November morning. The walk itself was refreshing as they slowly wandered the streets towards the train station. They idly chatted about how the weather was getting colder while she was getting ready to go enjoy the warmth of Suna._

"_It may be warmer, but sand gets everywhere. I like the forests more simply because of that. I like experiencing every season too." she scrunched her nose up before she smiled as they stepped inside the station._

_They found where she had to go and then suddenly heard the intercom as it announced that it was time to board the train. Sakura turned and smiled sadly at him before he smiled back and handed over her bag. Seeing him wear his mask was weird to her now, she thought. Knowing what that smile looked like was a secret she was glad she had._

"_I don't want to go." she suddenly said as their eyes met._

"_Go." he replied quickly, "I'll be fine. I'll survive."_

'_I really wish I could believe that…' she thought as she reluctantly nodded, 'I know you're putting on a brave face.'_

_After some more encouragement from Kakashi, she boarded and quickly found a window seat and peeked out to find him standing there with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his dark green jacket. His face lit up when he found her and their eyes met. Sakura couldn't stop the big goofy grin when he pulled a hand out to her and gave her a quick wave._

_When she felt the train pull forward, the medic felt her stomach drop as she watched his smile fall away. She remained strong and smiled at him as she quickly winked and blew a kiss at him as she slowly pulled away. The last thing she saw was him winking back at her and she knew he had replied with his own kiss._

'_I pray that he'll be okay…' she worried as she sat back into her seat and closed her eyes, 'He doesn't have to get better, but at least survive long enough for me to come home…'_

She had been gone for ten days. The mission itself was not very difficult. Once she was in Suna they had figured out the issue within a couple of days and spent the remaining time trying to perfect the final antidote. The mission did push up a rank when the source of the poison was traced back to another problem both Konoha and Suna were facing, but besides that, it was easy for the pinkette.

Sakura clutched her bag to her chest as the train slowly rolled into the station in Konoha. She had been antsy from the moment she boarded earlier that morning. It was early evening now and she wanted nothing more than to be back home with Kakashi. He never once left her mind the entire time she was away. Praying that this time apart wouldn't cause any issues for him. Or at least detrimental issues.

The second the train stopped and the doors opened, she was already out and trying desperately not to run out of the station and towards the apartment.

'_Please be okay…' _her mind repeated the mantra with every step she took.

She arrived in record time as she ran up the steps to the second floor apartment and stopped in front of the door and took a couple deep breaths before opening the door. What would she find?

"I'm home." she spoke softly as she stepped in.

Sakura recoiled instantly as the smell of stale liquor filled her nose and instinctively dropped her bag. Her eyes fell on to a slumped over Kakashi and gasped when she saw the mess of bottles, including the seemingly empty one he was gripping still. She ripped off her coat and threw it onto the floor and turned on the light before she rushed over and dropped to her knees in front of the unconscious man. Every fear she had while away had become a reality.

"Kakashi!" she cried out as she grabbed him and tried to sit him back up from being on his side.

She didn't know how long he had been passed out and worried that he may have alcohol poisoning. Sakura shook his arms and repeated his name and sighed when his face twisted in discomfort from her voice in his ear.

"You're back…" he groaned as he finished sitting up and leaned back against the couch.

"What happened?" she asked as she looked around and tried counting the bottles around them.

There were easily twenty of them that she could see from her spot.

"I couldn't do it…" he mumbled and she looked back to him to find that he looked like he was in immense pain, "I couldn't be strong. I tried and I failed. I'm weak. Just go. Leave me alone."

The pinkette frowned as she stood up. He was right back at square one as she feared. Had _all_ of his progress been thrown out the window? Why did he break so easily? Was she really the only thing that kept him rooted?

"I'm not going anywhere." she deadpanned as she walked into the kitchen and pulled out a trash bag from under the cabinet.

'_It almost looks like the first time I was over here…'_

He didn't reply and so Sakura took it upon herself and started walking around and picked up the mess of liquor bottles. Thirty five was the final count after she took out the overstuffed bag to the trash bin outside. Kakashi never moved once as she worked around him. When she came back in, she kicked off her boots and approached him cautiously. She knew she needed to choose her words wisely from here on out.

"When was the last time you ate?" she asked.

Silence fell between them for a few seconds before he took a deep breath and sighed.

"Can't remember." he mumbled, "Please leave."

She felt her heart break at both statements. It was exactly like the first night she came over. He was trying to push her away again. What happened while she was away? What broke him?

'_It has to be the alcohol talking… He asked me to never leave… This isn't Kakashi.'_

"No." she replied confidently as she looked him over.

It was obvious he hadn't shaved in days, let alone showered. It looks like he just sat there and drank himself into a stupor. He had to have lost some weight again as a result, she thought as she watched his lifeless eyes glance anywhere but at her. Sakura feared he may have damaged his liver with consuming so much again after not drinking anything for nearly a month.

"So annoying…" he bit out as he pushed himself forward and balanced his elbows on his knees and he buried his face into his hands.

Sakura swallowed thickly as he hurled the insult. She repeated that _this_ wasn't Kakashi. Something was very wrong. This wasn't the same man that held her just last week and whispered sweet nothings as they laid in bed. This wasn't him. He obviously wasn't in control of his actions or words right now. What was controlling him? Why did the alcohol change him so much?

"Let's get you in the shower." she mumbled as she reached out and gently placed her hand on his forearm.

He slapped her hand away as he bit out another command for her to leave and she took a half step back before she finally felt annoyed. She was trying to be nice, but he was obviously too drunk to care. Kakashi dropped his hands away from his face as he attempted to stand and face her. She tried to reach out to him when he swayed and stumbled back, but he swatted her away at that attempt too.

"Don't touch me!" he growled as he brought a hand up to his face and roughly rubbed it, "Get out of my apartment. Get your stuff and leave."

Sakura bit the inside of her cheek to stop her from snapping back with a mean comment herself. She had to remember that the man she cared so deeply for was in there. She had to be patient. He was sick. She knew he was scared to be alone after she left and obviously this was what he was scared of.

"I'm not going anywhere." she calmly replied as she rooted herself in that spot, "When did you relapse? There were thirty five bottles and I was gone for only ten days. That's a lot. You picked up right where you left off, didn't you?"

The jounin swayed about as he tried to stay standing. It was obvious that he was completely wasted. She wanted to check him over and make sure he hadn't hurt himself, but there was no way he was going to let her that close right now. She needed to figure out a way to get him to quickly sober up so she could attempt to break through to him.

"You're so fucking annoying." he bit at her again with slurred words when he dropped his hand and looked at her, "You try so hard to come off as this helpful and sweet person, b-but you're not! You're a fucking hack. Just trying to take advantage!"

She sucked in a breath as he continued to insult her. He was trying to hurt her to force her to leave, but she wasn't going to let something so simple stop her from being there for him. She wasn't the naive girl like ten years ago, no. She wouldn't let harsh words get to her. The pinkette repeated the mantra of sticks and stones.

"You're selfish." he continued as he tried to make her leave and struggled to say each word clearly, "You don't care about anyone but yourself. You don't care about me… You only care about making yourself feel good for helping a man who simply wants to be left alone to die in peace. You are only here for the sex and the illusion of companionship. It's disgusting and I want you out. Now!"

Sakura didn't stop herself when she felt the rage consume her as she stepped forward and struck him across the face. The sound of the connecting slap echoed off the walls in the sparsely decorated apartment. Kakashi jerked and stumbled back a couple steps from the shock of it. Before she could react, he charged at her and shoved her back and pinned her against the wall next to the bathroom and bedroom doors. The pinkette forced herself not to react when she felt a stinging pain radiate from her shoulder from the impact.

She sucked in a breath when she felt a blade press against her exposed neck. He pressed the weight of himself into his left arm as he pushed into her chest and kept her pinned in place. She glanced up and found angry gray eyes staring at her with a deep frown marring his face.

"Why can't you ever just fucking listen?!" he yelled into her face and she had to stop her stop herself from gagging from the rotten smell of bad breath and liquor, "I told you to leave! Why won't you leave?"

"Because I fight for what I love!" she spat back as she fought back sudden threat tears.

* * *

Kakashi froze at those words. Did she just say she loved him? His mind was so foggy. The alcohol didn't help either. He refocused on her and found green eyes filled with tears angrily staring up at him. He felt as a wave of nausea overcame him suddenly, but swallowed thickly to keep it at bay.

'_**She's lying.' **_it finally spoke.

"You're lying." he spoke quietly.

"Why would I lie about loving you?" she replied in a shaky voice.

'_**She's tricking you.'**_

The voice had been tormenting him since the second she left. He finally caved in on the fourth day and bought five bottles. Then five more each day after. The voice went away after that. Well, it got much quieter. It wasn't as mean when he drank. This was its first real appearance because he had started to sober up. He hadn't let himself get this sober since that day. He couldn't remember anything, the days had blended together for him. He couldn't remember anything.

"Are you going to kill me?" she asked next.

He looked down at her in confusion. Why would she ask such a thing? He internally cringed as he felt a dull throb start in his head.

"No?"

"Then why do you have a kunai to my throat?" she asked in an eerily casual tone.

He jerked his eyes down and saw the kunai in his hand that was pressed firmly against her throat. Kakashi released his hold of the weapon and took a huge step backwards and away from Sakura. He kept his hands up as he watched the kunai clatter onto the wooden floor. He never realized he had pulled one out. He never realized he had pinned her against the wall.

'_Was I really going to attack her?'_ his thoughts raced.

'_**You're only acting on what you want to do…'**_

He felt like he got punched in the gut when he saw the look of apprehension on her face. She had no idea what he was doing. He was suddenly hyper aware of everything. What had he done? What had he said to her? Why couldn't he remember when she had come home? Had they been fighting? Why?

He couldn't remember anything.

'_**Don't let her interfere.'**_

How long had he been like this? He remembered buying his liquor that morning and suddenly it was the evening? He stared down at his hands and found them shaking violently. How did he let it get this far? How weak really was he? He couldn't hide it anymore. He almost did some irreversible damage and he couldn't get out of this.

"I… I need help." he whispered as he met her eyes.

Sakura's face registered surprise when he spoke.

"Help me…" he whispered as he felt his knees grow weak and dropped to the floor, "Please… help me."

"Kakashi!" she called out and he felt her grab his shoulders to make sure he remained upright.

'_**Don't tell her… You'll never see the light of day again!'**_

He felt pain spread and his body seized and tensed up as he gasped. It was just like that day, he thought. The pain… it was the same.

He reached out to Sakura and he felt her hands grab his and before he knew it, she was embracing him. He let his face be buried into the crook of her neck as she tightly held him with her arms wrapped around his neck. He pulled her against him and hugged her close as he took a few deep breaths. The scent of her instantly calmed him down enough to gather his next words.

"I want it to stop." he mumbled as he hugged her impossibly tighter.

'_**Don't…'**_

Kakashi felt her turn her head and press a kiss into the side of his head as delicate fingers trailed into his hair.

"Tell me what it is that you want to stop." she whispered.

He couldn't find his voice as they sat in a tangled mess on the floor for a while. He noticed the evening sun that came in the window had slowly gone from the orange glow to blue hued darkness.

"The voice. I want the voice to stop."

Sakura stiffened momentarily and he regretted telling her. There was no going back now.

'_**You idiot!'**_

He feared the worst when she loosened her hold of him and sat back. He was surprised to see she was regarding him with curiosity rather than an angry or fearful expression.

"You're hearing voices?" she asked in a soft tone.

He shook his head and held up a single finger.

"Just one."

'_**You're ruining your life. She's never going to let you be a shinobi again! Kill her before she locks you up!'**_

He felt a phantom pain tear through his body at that demand. He twisted his face and felt as she grabbed his arm and called out to him.

"It's talking to you right now, isn't it?" he heard the medic ask quickly.

He quickly nodded as he kept his eyes screwed shut and squeezed her hand. The voice was screaming at the top of its lungs and he was barely holding on. He had never been more scared in his life than this. He had felt fear, but never at this scale. The things it was screaming. The things it was demanding he do. To her. To himself. It hurt. It hurt so much.

"Let's get you to the hospital." she said next and he felt like he got stabbed in the heart.

"No!" he basically shouted as he opened his eyes and stared hard at her.

Sakura was obviously taken aback by his sudden outburst. This was exactly what he had feared. He couldn't go get help there. They'd never let him return to duty. Not with how bad he was right now. Thirty years of active duty had taken its toll, but he wasn't ready to tap out yet. He just needed her to understand that.

"Kakashi…" she said, "You need help. I can't help with this just by myself. It's okay, they won't think any less of you. It's safe."

He just shook his head in disagreement. He wasn't ready to receive that kind of help. Not yet. The fact that he was opening up against everything that was literally screaming at him to not tell her.

"I can't…" he spoke so quietly that she had to lean in to hear him, "I just can't."

Sakura pursed her lips as she nodded. She wasn't going to force him like he thought. She understood that he wasn't ready. He watched her glance down to their hands that were conjoined and start running her thumb back and forth over the top of his hand.

"But, you still want help right?"

Green eyes met his again and he could see she was trying so hard not to cry. She was trying to remain strong for him so he could be weak at this moment. He nodded as he took a couple deep breaths.

'_I have to be strong.'_

'_**You're weak! Pathetic! You have to rely on others to make sure you survive. You are scum. End it. End it! End it now!'**_

He tensed up at the insults from the voice and felt his head throb painfully. He felt her shift in place and a small hand cup his cheek. Sakura knew the voice spoke again and was determined to show him that it was okay to hear it.

"Then let me bring help to you. You don't have to go anywhere."

'_**The bitch is going to get people to take you away!'**_

He looked at her with a half questioning, half concerned expression. She saw his worry and squeezed his hands to help calm him.

"Let me go get Ino. She's a medic. I trust her. She can help us."

'_Us.'_

"How can she help?"

It was refreshing to see such a happy smile come from her then.

"She's a Yamanaka." she said confidently, "Her jutsus should be able to help. At least help figure out what's causing the voice. She's been wanting to start using the clans jutsus for things like this over information gathering anyways."

He felt a small sliver of hope run down his spine at that.

"She prides herself on knowing the jutsus so well. I can give her a basic rundown of what's wrong, she doesn't need to know all the details. She can come here and do it so you don't have to leave. We can figure out what needs to be done from there." Sakura explained further.

'_**Are you really going to let a random person root around inside your head? See the broken pieces of you? She could ruin your name!'**_

Kakashi gritted his teeth as he forced himself not to react. His head was throbbing painfully at this point. He was sobering up and all his other issues of no sleep or eating were catching up. He looked back up to her and nodded in agreement. Her face lit up with that and she started to stand up, but before she could get far, he reached out and grabbed her arm.

"But not tonight."

Sakura looked confused as she turned and looked back to him.

"I don't want her to see me… like this." he added on as he half motioned to himself

He felt a little self conscious as she quickly checked him out before she nodded in understanding. He probably looked and smelled a mess.

"Let's get you cleaned up and rested then." she replied with a reassuring smile, "Are you sure you'll be okay until the morning?"

He nodded as she helped him stand up. He felt his body sway as blood rushed to his head and felt dizziness overcome him. The headache had easily turned into a migraine and he stopped himself from throwing up suddenly. The jounin felt her snake an arm around his back as she pulled him against her side to make sure he didn't fall over.

"Yeah." he grunted as he brought a hand up and rubbed his face, "You're home now… I'm safer."

He peeked down and found her smiling warmly up to him. He was being honest with her about feeling safer. He wouldn't become so overwhelmed that he'd break down instantly now.

"What do you want to do first?" she asked, "Shower? Food?"

"Shower." he replied instantly, "I need something for my head though. _Massive _hangover."

Without another word, Sakura guided them quickly into the bathroom and she grabbed something from the medicine cabinet and handed him a couple of pills that he quickly took and swallowed dry.

* * *

"Here, hold still for a second." Sakura spoke softly as she raised her hands and placed them on each side of his head.

She concentrated as the green chakra emitted from her hands and started to help reduce the severity of his hangover as she filtered some of the alcohol out of his system. She smiled when he relaxed and made a sigh of relief from the help she was giving him. A few minutes later, she was stepping in behind Kakashi as they got into the shower.

"When was the last time you showered?" she asked as she watched him step under the spray of hot water.

Kakashi grabbed his shampoo and she smiled again as she watched him quickly scrub the grime and oil away.

"I can't remember…" he mumbled as he dipped his head under the water and rinsed his hair.

Her smile fell as she grabbed the wash rag and poured a liberal amount of his body wash onto it before lathering it up and pressing it into his back as she made slow circles up and down the entire length of him.

Coming home to find him like this was heartbreaking. But when he said he was hearing a voice is when reality hit her. His mental illnesses were much worse than she initially thought. He wasn't in control as much as he wanted to be. She knew his anxiety, depression, and PTSD were bad, but she never could have comprehended it had festered to the point that it manifested into a voice.

'_We're going to figure this out…' _she thought as she nudged him to turn around so she could wash his chest and abs, '_He asked for help. I will do everything in my power to help him.'_

"How was your mission?" he asked as she took his arms and trailed the soapy rag along..

She smiled up to him as he rinsed off and they switched spots so she could quickly wash up.

'_It looks like he lost some weight again…' _she noticed when she looked at his chest.

"Successful." she confirmed, "The mission got bumped up to S rank half way through after some information was discovered about the origin of the poison."

Kakashi had grabbed her loofah to help wash away her grime from the journey home and was running it over her shoulder when she said that. He paused and looked up to her with clear concern.

"There was no combat." she quickly added, "The poison is connected with another issue outside the mission. We successfully created an antidote for this strain and they're working on the older strains now."

She watched his shoulders release the tension and they continued the remainder of the shower in peace. When they stepped out, he wrapped a towel around his waist and quickly started to brush his teeth as she wrapped a towel around herself and headed to the bedroom.

'_He already looks like he feels a million times better.'_ she mused as she walked over to her side of the bed, '_Just need to get him to eat something and we can go to bed.'_

She dropped the towel and started to put on her lotion. She looked at the bed and saw the blankets and pillows thrown about. She made a mental note that she would wash them in the morning as she eyed her pillow on his side of the bed. Her bottle of perfume caught her eye as it sat on his nightstand and quirked a brow up.

She turned and went to the dresser and pulled out some of her clean pajamas and pulled them on before she walked over to his side and picked up the bottle and examined it. She glanced back down to her pillow and picked it up and quickly sniffed it and confirmed her suspicion.

'_He sprayed my pillow… He really did miss me, didn't he?'_

She smiled to herself as she tossed her pillow back on her side and walked back over and picked up her towel and put the perfume on her nightstand. She was right to remain firm earlier when he told her to leave. She knew that wasn't him. He had managed to break out of whatever was trapping him and it looked like he was slowly coming back.

Kakashi walked back into the bedroom as she exited and smiled when she found he had shaved off his scruff.

"You look a million times better." she sang as he regarded her with warmth.

"I feel a million times better." he replied honestly with a small smile.

She stood on her tippy toes to kiss his clean shaven cheek, but he quickly turned his head and kissed her deeply. She smiled into the kiss before she leaned back. It was their first kiss since she returned home and she forgot how dizzy he made her feel.

"I'll go make us something to eat."

He nodded as she stepped past her into the room while she quickly ran into the bathroom and threw all their dirty clothes and towels into the washer and started a load. The rest of the evening was quiet as she made them a small and simple dinner.

There wasn't much for food left after she had been gone for over a week and a half. She used the last of the eggs and made them some basic omelettes and rice. Kakashi shovelled everything down and drank a couple glasses of water in record time.

'_He must've been so hungry…' _she thought as she cleaned up their dishes and the others, '_I wonder what that voice tells him.'_

She turned around and found him hunched over with his elbows at the table and his face pressed into his hands and grew worried. She knew it had to be the voice she thought as she quickly dried off her hands and stepped over to him.

"It's talking, isn't it?" she asked tentatively as she laid a gentle hand on his shoulder.

Kakashi just nodded as he sighed before he ran his hands through his now dried hair. She pursed her lips before she slid her hand up and encouraged him to turn and face her. She leaned over and pressed her forehead against his and looked him in the eye.

"I know I can't hear what it's saying, but I do have a message for you and it. That is, if you'd let me tell you?"

His eyes widened at her request and she felt him nudge his head as he silently gave her the okay. Sakura pulled back and stood straight as she smiled down to him.

"You're not the weak one, Kakashi. The voice is the weak one."

He blinked a couple times as her words sank in. She could tell he was feeling loads of things at once as his face flickered through a range of emotions. She reached out and offered him a hand then. She didn't need him to reply. She just wanted him to know that it wasn't his fault for feelings how he felt.

'_I love him too much to see him suffer like this.'_

She slowly realized that all the times that he looked off was because of the voice. His excuses of being overwhelmed and tired weren't just that. That voice had been tormenting him and he remained silent about it. Why had he never told her? Why did he let himself suffer for so long? When exactly did this voice start? Did it have a connection with his drinking? Sakura had so many questions, but couldn't get the answers right now. She had to be careful and delicate with her approach.

She was barely in bed before she felt him roll and his arm loop around her and pull her closer. She smiled as she cozied up to him and laid her head on his shoulder and rested her hand on his chest.

"I haven't slept here in days." he revealed as she felt him release a content sigh, "There were too many reminders of being alone."

That statement confirmed her other lingering question. Her absence had affected him to the point that he couldn't sleep in his own bed.

"I noticed you had sprayed my pillow." she mumbled.

She felt the arm wrapped around her shoulder give her a reassuring squeeze.

"It helped the first couple nights…" he explained, "You didn't feel as far then and I could get at least a few hours of sleep."

It hurt her to hear him talk about how he struggled in her absence.

'_I never should have gone on that mission…'_

"I'm home now." she said as she slid her hand around him and hugged him, "I'm not going anywhere for awhile."

They laid there for a while and she thought he had fallen asleep from how his breathing slowed down, but when he suddenly spoke it broke his heart.

"It keeps telling me to kill you. To kill myself."

'_Oh god…'_

"It's not letting you rest?" she asked the obvious question.

She glanced up to him when he shuffled in his place and found his was staring up at the ceiling angrily.

"It never has. It's why I could never sleep before. It's the cause of my nightmares. It's the cause of everything." he spoke bitterly.

Sakura couldn't stand to hear it anymore and made to sit up and looked back down to him. He answered a couple of her silent questions.

"What can I do to help?"

* * *

He watched Sakura for a moment before he smiled back.

"Just be patient with me." he requested.

It was really all he could ask of her right now. She was already going to help him immensely with getting Ino involved. He was scared shitless about that, but he could trust Sakura. She had never given him any reason to not trust her. Ino worked in the Intelligence division for the village alongside her husband Sai, who was a lead captain for anbu. The woman took her job seriously when it came to things like this.

Sakura nodded to him before her face lit up and she scrambled off the bed. He sat up and watched in confusion through the dark room as she opened up a dresser drawer and rifled through it before she pulled out a fat scroll.

"This is my personal stash of things I've created over the years." she informed him as she came back and sat the scroll down on her night stand and quickly ran out of the room.

He looked at the large scroll with curiosity.

'_She's collected every single thing she's made over the years? Is it all her potions and antidotes or other stuff too?'_

His mind briefly flashback to her super soldier pills she made when he was training Naruto with his Rasengan and felt his shoulder shudder at the memory of the awful taste.

'_**Maybe she'll kill you. Don't take anything.'**_

He ignored the voice as the noise of Sakura opening the bedroom pulled him back to reality. She had gotten a glass of water he saw as she went back to her side of the bed and turned on the bedside lamp.

"Everything I've ever created since the war and my experiments too are in this scroll. I keep a sample and quick notes with ingredients." she explained as he watched her pick up the slightly oversized scroll, "It allows me to quickly reference things and to help quickly if needed."

"And you just keep it casually tucked away in the dresser?" he couldn't help but voice that concern.

Sakura held the scroll out away from her body and he heard a pop come from the scroll before steam emitted from it.

"I'm not dumb, Kakashi. It has a chakra signature seal." the medic deadpanned, "Only my chakra signature can open it. If anyone, even you, tried to open it, it would set itself on fire and destroy itself and the contents."

He could only nod as he watched her unroll it and start reading through it. Of course it was a sealed scroll. Sakura wasn't dumb and he felt a bit shameful for doubting her abilities. The fact that she managed to keep a detailed inventory of her years of saving lives was amazing. She had a vast knowledge that she wanted to preserve and be able to help others in the future. The more he thought about it, the more he admired her abilities.

"And I have to emit a specific amount of chakra to open it and another different amount to take anything out of this. If I was captured and they tried to force me to open it, I would just put the wrong amount in and destroy it myself." she added as he watched her place a hand over a seal and watched a puff of smoke jump out and a pill bottle and a small scroll appear.

Sakura smiled proudly as she looked at the bottle and quickly put it down as she read through the accompanying scroll.

'_**You're really going to let her drug you? You already like her control you and now you'll be docile pet? Pathetic! You're weak! Useless!'**_

"What are you going to give me?" he asked a simple question.

Sakura reached down and grabbed the pill bottle and tossed it to him with a smile.

"Sleeping pills." she said confidently as he examined the little green pills in the bottle, "Since you're having issues, this should help you rest better."

There were only seven pills in it.

"Sleeping pills?" Kakashi parroted back as he looked back up to her, "How are these different from the ones you can get at the pharmacy?"

He watched her roll up the scroll and reseal it before returning it to the dresser drawer as he spoke.

"They're specially made for shinobi who have sleeping issues." she spoke softly as she sat at the edge of the bed and grabbed the glass of water and offered it to him, "They're very strong and effective. It should only be used in times of desperation."

'_**Don't take them.'**_

'_I trust her more than you.'_

He nodded as he opened the bottle and let a single green pill fall out onto his palm. Kakashi glanced up to her and she nodded as she held up her free hand and singled that he only needed one pill. He took the glass of water and without a second thought popped the pill into his mouth and drank half the water in one go.

"I should've asked how effective it is." he mumbled as he turned as sat the pill bottle and water on his night stand.

It was then he felt a rush of drowsiness hit him and hunched forward to stop himself from falling off the bed.

"Very effective." he heard her voice and felt her hand on his left arm as it pulled him towards her, "Lay down."

He scooted down and basically flopped back against the bed as he struggled to keep his eyes open.

"Just relax." she spoke quietly, "I'm not going anywhere."

He blinked over and watched her pull the blankets over him. His vision became pink as he felt her hair brush against his face. He was so tired. Sakura pressed a few kissed along his cheek and he felt himself smiling at the affection.

"Sleep tight, my love." were the last words he heard her say as he quickly fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is A LOT to unpack here, my goodness. The long awaited chapter where he FINALLY opens up about what's wrong. Anti-climatic? Probably. Realistic? I hope I delivered there. Mental health isn't always glitz and glam and filled with drama like TV/movies show, so I hope I can give a more subdued real feel towards it in my writing.
> 
> Please leave a review if you can. You feedback and insights are some of the most in-depth on any of my stories, hehe.
> 
> Thank you as always to Taytay95 for being a rocking beta.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

"Oh…" he groaned as he rolled his shoulders.

Kakashi reached up and rubbed his face as he tried to wake up the rest of the way.

'_I feel so stiff.' _he thought to himself, '_I slept like a log.'_

He grunted again as he rolled onto his right side and finally cracked open his eyes. The curtains were still pulled shut, but he could see the bright light spilling from the edges.

'_What time is it?'_

"You're finally awake!" he heard Sakura's cheerful voice enter the room.

He grunted and stretched under the blankets as he half glanced up to her. The pinkette looked like she had been up for a while as she was already dressed. She walked over to him and sat on the edge of the bed. He relished in the cool touch as she cupped his cheek before running her fingers up and through his messy hair.

"How long was I out?" he asked while he cleared his throat and sat up.

Kakashi rolled his shoulders again and turned his body to wake up his muscles. It felt like he didn't move at all while sleeping.

"It's nearly noon now." Sakura informed him and he looked at her in surprise.

"I was out for over twelve hours?"

She nodded as she leaned forward and grabbed the glass of water from last night and offered it to him. He took it and down the remaining water and sighed happily from the refreshing feeling it gave.

"Yeah." she hummed, "I'm actually surprised you slept so long. The pill should only work for about seven hours. Eight or nine max. So it means your body really needed it to sleep for nearly fourteen hours."

He nodded in agreement. Kakashi did feel rested. It had been quite a long time since he had gotten that much uninterrupted sleep. The voice wasn't there. The voice didn't bother him. Suddenly he realized it was morning and that Ino would be there soon to help.

"Can I take another tonight?" he asked with a half smile.

Sakura nodded with her own smile.

"Yes, you can. I only ever make seven pills at a time because of how strong they are. This should help while we figure out things. You can finally get some proper sleep."

"_Sleep tight, my love."_

He looked up to her as the memory of what she whispered came to him then.

'_She told me she loves me last night. Right? Or was it in my head?'_

He leaned forward and she knew instantly what he wanted as she met him halfway and kissed him deeply. He reached up and held her face for a second before letting his fingers tangle into her hair. Sakura twisted and pulled back as she shook her head at him.

"As much as I want too, we can't fool around right now." she quietly chided him as she took ahold of the hand he held her with and squeezed it.

He looked at her in confusion. She wanted to, but said they can't.

"Ino is here already." she added as she nodded her head towards the door.

Kakashi froze at that and gave her an exasperated look.

"You were still asleep and it was getting late in the day. So I just went over to get her while you rested. She's one hundred percent on board with helping out." she explained.

He couldn't really complain. He wanted this figured out immediately too. But, he hadn't had a chance to mentally prepare. To work up the nerve to face her. He had always been a private man. So opening himself up to let Ino peek into his subconscious was anxiety inducing. He wasn't sure exactly what she would find and that scared him.

"You can get dressed and go get freshened up. I'll reheat your breakfast so you can eat before we start."

* * *

Sakura smiled when he nodded at her before he threw the blankets to the side. He quickly changed and she quietly laughed when she watched him run his fingers through his hair in an attempt to tame and make himself look somewhat presentable. She walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his midsection and hugged herself to him.

"You look fine." she reassured him.

Lazy eyes peeked down to her and he leaned down and kissed her deeply.

"Have you heard it yet?" she asked after she stepped back, "Since you've been up?"

Kakashi shook his head as he pulled up his mask.

"No, not yet."

She gave him a reassuring smile as she squared her shoulders and opened the door back up and stepped out. Ino looked up from her spot at their entrance and smiled warmly. This basically them debuting as a couple in a sense. Ino was surprisingly supportive when she had gone over there that morning and sprung the news and her request onto her.

_ **~flashback to earlier that morning~** _

_Sakura naturally woke up and felt a heavy arm around her waist. She wiggled in her spot _ _and _ _felt him tighten his hold and his face bury further into her hair more._

'_He's still asleep.' she thought with a smile._

_She glanced up to the clock on her nightstand and saw that it read just after seven in the morning and sighed. To lay in bed with him a little longer or to get up? She slept for a lot longer than she thought she would, but the emotions and stress of last night took a lot out of her. Slowly she eased herself out of his hold and turned and watched him sleep for a moment._

_The pinkette couldn't help but smile when she saw how peaceful he looked._

'_Looks like the pills worked.'_

_Two hours passed and Sakura had showered, got dressed, and made breakfast and Kakashi still didn't wake up. She constantly checked up on him and found him sound asleep and breathing normally. She even did a good clean up around the house and tossed out some old food from the fridge and finished up the laundry before she decided she couldn't wait any longer._

"_I'm going to get Ino." she whispered as she checked in on him again._

_When no response came, she smiled to herself before leaning down and kissing his forehead. She pulled the comforter up more and tucked him back in before she quickly and quietly made her leave. She didn't want to be gone for long incase he woke up and feared she'd left for good. She figured it out early and knew that it was one of his unspoken fears. Abandonment._

_It made her feel guilty for leaving all those times when they first hooked up. The pain he must have felt from her sneaking out or making an excuse to leave. Sakura never meant to hurt him, but she unintentionally did._

_She soon arrived at the Yamanaka house and quickly knocked on the door. She heard Ino call out that she was coming and a second later she was greeted with her best friend._

"_Sakura?"_

"_Kakashi is the one I'm seeing." she blurted out before she could think of anything else._

_Blue eyes widened in surprise before she looked around and grabbed her coat as she pulled her quickly inside._

"_What?" Ino asked the second the door was closed, "Where is this coming from?"_

_Sakura shot her a pointed look._

"_I promised to tell you soon who I was seeing right? It's Kakashi."_

_The young mother crossed her arms and looked at her suspiciously. Sakura knew it was random for her to visit so unplanned and even more random to be admitting such things._

"_There can only be one of two reasons why you're here." Ino pointed out as she held up two fingers, "Either he hurt you or you're pregnant."_

_Sakura quickly held up her hands in a defensive way._

"_I'm not pregnant and he's never hurt me!"_

'_Purposely…' she thought as an afterthought. The rough sex didn't count and neither did his drunk rampage last night, but she wouldn't mention either of those right now._

"_Then why are you telling me at nine in the morning on a Saturday?"_

_The pinkette nodded as she squared herself straight and looked Ino in the eye._

"_We need your help."_

_ **~end flashback~** _

When she explained the voice and his fear of getting help right now, she was immediately on board. Ino knew better than anyone else how to deal with an emotionally stunted man given who her husband was. Sakura admired that about her. Ino had always been a bit of a brat, but when she started seeing Sai, it was like the two were meant for each other. Ino informed Sai that she'd be stepping out for a while and would be back later and together the two women started back to his apartment.

"Voices?" she asked as they walked down the street.

Sakura shook her head and held up a gloved hand with a single finger up.

"He says there's only one voice." she corrected her friend, "He told me it says horrible things. He mentioned that it screams and never lets him sleep. It even invades his dreams!"

Ino huffed as they rounded the corner towards the apartment.

"I've never heard of a _single_ voice manifesting itself on so many levels of consciousness before. Is he sure it's just one and not two or three?"

"That's what I thought too." Sakura replied quietly, "He was adamant on the fact that it was only one specific voice. I've never seen him so scared before, Ino. He looked like he was physically being hurt when he finally broke down and told me."

She heard a soft gasp come from her friend and she looked over to find Ino looking at her in surprise.

"He actually broke down?" she asked again.

She nodded as they stopped at the base of the steps.

"I think it was inevitable. It was heartbreaking… Hearing how much pain he's in just by his voice alone. He didn't reveal much after that. I was so focused on getting him cleaned up and some food in him."

"You said he fell off the deep end?"

Sakura turned and glanced up towards the apartment and where the man laid waiting.

"He couldn't remember anything. He just blacked out the last week to try and survive. He had apparently been barely hanging on when I was home. He mentioned over dinner that he doesn't even remember me coming home." she mumbled as she turned to look back to her best friend, "Kakashi said it wouldn't stop screaming at him after he told me. It kept telling him to kill me. To kill himself."

Sakura started walking up the stairs to distract herself from crying. Recounting these issues with someone besides Kakashi was more stressful than she thought. None of this was normal and she knew it. She knew that if she told Ino how their relationship actually started, his drinking problem, or how she came home last night, that her friend would try to intervene and separate them.

She knew aspects of them were not healthy. Their dependency on one another was borderline obsessive. But, that's why she was here right now with Ino. She was trying to get the help he needed. That they needed. Kakashi finally requested help and she would go to any length to get him the help he needed.

"You didn't tell me that!" the blonde hissed as she quickly caught up and grabbed her arm, "You said he hasn't harmed you!"

"He hasn't!" Sakura corrected her, "He has never once acted on anything violent that the voice told him! That voice. It is not him, Ino! That isn't Kakashi! Please keep that in mind."

They stared hard at each other before Ino caved and sighed. She wasn't going to let this thing define him for the rest of his life. This was a lifelong issue he had, but she wasn't going let the bad outweigh all the good he had done.

"He might still be sleeping." she shifted her tone as she opened the door and they stepped inside the apartment, "Please keep yourself in check. You promised to help."

"Shut up, Forehead. I know how to act."

All the lights were still off as they kicked off their boots and hung up their coats.

"Well, this is a cute little apartment." Ino spoke quietly as they walked over to the kitchen, "Why is he still sleeping?"

Sakura motioned her to sit down as she flicked on the light to the kitchen. Ino took a seat at the table while she pulled out two mugs and made some coffee.

"I gave him one of my sleeping pills." she informed her first as she leaned against the counter, "He's had sleeping issues for over seven months now and they've only gotten worse."

The blonde nodded as she examined the place. The pinkette was suddenly grateful that she had cleaned before going to get her. This was technically her home in a sense and she wanted to impress her friend. Kakashi had sensible tastes in decorating, even though there wasn't much to begin with. The tiny apartment felt safe and welcoming and that's all that mattered.

"Are you going to wake him?"

Sakura glanced at the clock above the TV and shook her head. She turned when the coffee maker beeped and started prepping the drinks.

"I'll give him a little while still. If he doesn't wake up soon, I'll wake him then. I want to chat with you about a few things still anyways." she replied as she handed the woman her mug of coffee.

When she took a seat to her left she was surprised to find a wicked grin on Ino's face.

"Oh, me too, Forehead. Me too."

The medic just raised a single brow at the weird tone and watched the Yamanaka hum happily as she sipped the drink.

"Don't play dumb. Kakashi and you. Spill it."

'_I should've seen that coming…'_

Sakura just sat back a bit and shrugged as she thought about what would be appropriate enough to talk about regarding her relationship with Kakashi. Was it even a relationship? Neither had said anything about this being exclusive. They acted like they were? The man didn't seem like the type to be in an open relationship. Not that she wanted to be. She knew she was a jealous woman and she had a suspicion that he was a jealous man too.

"What do you want to know?" she decided to ask instead of struggling.

"How did this start?" Ino wasted no time.

The pinkette internally cringed at the question. It wasn't a romantic start at all. Hell, Kakashi didn't even want her but she used sex help him. A connection formed from those interactions. They bonded slowly and in the most unorthodox way.

"Well…" Sakura started but trailed off to take a sip of her coffee, "I was worried about him. I didn't know then what I do now, so I came over to check on him. We talked… argued… talked some more. One thing leads to another and here we are."

Ino remained silent as she mulled over the statement.

"You two had sex that first night, didn't you?"

She coughed and nearly choked at the bold question. Had her friend really seen through that, that easy? Of course she did. This was Ino, the town gossip and an heir of a clan whose special power was a mind related jutsu.

"Was it that obvious?" she smiled weakly.

The Yamanaka nodded as she took a drink before she gently placed the cup down and pursed her lips.

"You wear your heart on your sleeve, Sakura." she spoke quietly, "I'm happy you found someone, but I just worry that you jumped in too soon."

Sakura bit her tongue at the comment. It was to be expected, so she couldn't be upset. She knew jumping in like she did was worrisome. She knew there were aspects that were toxic for them. But, Kakashi was asking for help. She was asking for help. They wanted to get out of this stage of their relationship. She wanted him and them to be healthy.

Sometimes things aren't always fifty fifty. He was trying, but he couldn't reach all the way. She had no problem picking up the slack to make sure they were both good. That's what you did when you were in love. The only thing is that she hoped that he felt the same way back.

"I know and it's lame to say, but it's different this time. I jumped in with Sasuke and it crashed and burned, so I can clearly see your worry. It doesn't feel the same with him. I don't know how to describe it."

A tense but comfortable silence filled the air as Ino accepted her answer. That was one of the things she was grateful for with her. They accepted each other's choices even when they were concerned about it. Sakura had been nervous when she and Sai had gotten together, but now they were happily married with a son.

"How is he in bed?"

"Ino!" Sakura hissed as she sat the empty cup down.

"What? You promised to tell me everything!"

The pinkette slumped back against her chair and crossed her arms in front of her.

"Yes. He's good. Now drop it."

Sakura wanted nothing more for this subject to drop. She was never privy to being extremely open with her sex life. Ino was the only real exception, but even then it was still slightly uncomfortable.

"Is he big?" the blonde quirked up a brow as she slyly smiled.

If looks could kill, Sakura could have guaranteed that Ino would've been dead that second.

"He satisfies me very well." she shot back and abruptly stood up and took their cups, "More coffee?"

Ino nodded with a smug smile and the rest of the time before she went to get Kakashi was spent catching up and filling in each other with what's been going on.

* * *

Kakashi felt a bit self conscious when the woman's eyes fell on him. It stung when they widened in surprise. It had been obvious that he lost weight. He suddenly felt like a stranger in his own apartment.

"You can freshen up. I'll warm up your eggs and rice." Sakura spoke quietly and when he looked down at her, he found a warm smile greeting him.

Suddenly his anxiety dropped and he smiled back through the mask and nodded once. He looked back up to Ino and nodded at her before he turned and walked into the bathroom. The moment he closed the door he could hear Sakura quickly step away and hushed voices. The man couldn't help but smile as he stepped back to the door and listened in.

"_The way he looked at you!" Ino whispered excitedly, "He's in love!"_

"_Shut up, Pig. You can't assume something like that from a look."_

"_You love him, don't you?"_

Kakashi held his breath at that question. Was it obvious? When no immediate reply came from Sakura he grew into a weird mixture of worried and hopeful.

"_Ino be quiet. He can probably hear how loud you're being."_

"_You're not denying it. That's adorable."_

The sound of a smack made him laugh to himself as he turned and quickly relieved himself before washing up.

'_Does she really love me?'_

When he came back out and sat down at the table, Sakura sat his plate in front of him. Before he grabbed his chopsticks, Ino stood and excused herself to the bathroom. When he looked over to Sakura with a confused look, she motioned with her hand like she was pulling down a mask.

"So you can eat." she mouthed.

He nodded as he quickly pulled down his mask and started eating. It was considerate for her to do that. He cleared his plate and the glass of water in minutes. Sleeping so soundly and long really worked up an appetite.

"How are you feeling?" Sakura asked as she grabbed his glass and plate.

"Sore." he replied honestly.

He felt her step up next to him and place a small hand on his shoulder. Kakashi leaned back and looked up to her.

"Do you want to do some physical therapy later?" she asked.

"We'll see how this goes?"

She just nodded as she leaned down and gave him a kiss. He relished in the reassuring touch when he felt her hand slide up his shoulder and tease into the edge of his hair. The sound of the bathroom door opening pulled them out of the little moment.

"Okay, enough of that you love birds."

Kakashi already had his mask in place and cleared his throat as he stiffened. He heard Sakura huff to his right as she stood straight. Her hand dropped down and back to his shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"I was still on the fence about finding out about this, but actually seeing you two next to each other like this? Absolutely adorable." Ino spoke with a smile as she approached the table.

He was thankful for the mask as he felt his face get warm. He wasn't a man who liked PDA and being caught, let alone in his own home, being intimate with Sakura was a little embarrassing.

"Enough with the teasing, Ino." Sakura spoke in a hard tone as she squeezed his shoulder again, "Can we please get to the point?"

A nervous shiver ran down his spine at the mention of the blonde using her jutsu on him. The medic obviously felt his apprehension and patted his shoulder before she spoke to him.

"Let's do this on the couch since you'll be semi unconscious."

Everyone nodded as he got up and he plopped down at one end of the couch and Ino the other. Sakura remained standing off to the side.

"I'll keep a close eye to make sure both of you are okay." she informed them.

He nodded again and turned to face Ino and found her watching him close.

"I have a couple questions before I go in." the Yamanaka said.

"Okay." he replied, "Shoot."

'_**No!'**_

He barely stopped himself from cringing visible from the voice. He knew it was a matter of time before it made its appearance. He glanced up to Sakura and found her looking surprised by the blonde's question. Obviously this wasn't planned.

"Sakura gave me a lot of information, but I figured I'd ask you a couple questions so I can look more closely. I don't want to be in there longer than I have to be."

Kakashi nodded in understanding.

"You're hearing a single voice?"

"Yes."

'_**Stop this. Get out. Run!'**_

"You are hearing it while both conscious and unconscious?"

"Yes."

'_**Quiet! Silence her! She knows too much. You'll never see the light of day.'**_

Ino smiled and nodded. Obviously this was something Sakura had told her about.

"Is the voice attached to anything? Can you see a figure manifest?"

"Yes."

"What?" Sakura spoke up suddenly, "You didn't tell me this."

'_**You idiot!'**_

He looked up to find her watching him with worry. He regarded her with a sad expression before he spoke. He felt the anxiety start to climb. From the voice and from the pained tone the pinkette spoke in.

"I'm sorry, I honestly forgot." he attempted to explain, "I only see it when I'm sleeping…"

She seemed to have accepted the answer and felt his nerves die down a bit. The voice wouldn't shut up at this point. He felt like his head was going to explode at this point from the pain he felt.

"Can you hear it now?" Ino asked next.

"Yes." he replied as he turned back and looked at her.

Ino's eyes widened a fraction at that and quickly nodded. The sound of Sakura sucking in a breath caused him to grow worried again. Like he had done something wrong.

"And it's angry, isn't it?"

He just nodded as the voice started screaming.

'_**You will never get rid of me unless you die, Ka-ka-shi!'**_

"Okay, I'm going to go in." she said as she scooted closer to him, "I'm not going to look in areas that don't need to be looked in. I have an idea of where to go. I'm only giving myself a few minutes to search."

Kakashi nodded and smiled under the mask when Ino smiled big at him.

"I have to ask again just for liabilities sake. You are okay with me using this jutsu on you and you are seeking help with this issue?"

"Yes and yes." he confirmed, "I'm requesting your help."

The Yamanaka head smiled big as she clapped her hands together and sat up straighter.

"This will be much easier since he's not resisting." she teased.

He couldn't help but chuckle at her joke. The atmosphere of the room changed suddenly from the thick tension to something that was much lighter.

"Close your eyes. Deep breath in. Good. Now exhale, slow and even." Ino spoke as she placed a hand on his forehead and felt her fingers run into his hair.

Kakashi felt her grip tighten slightly then and a rush of warmth consumed him.

When he opened his eyes he found himself in the gray haze once again and sighed in defeat. Why was he here? Wasn't Ino supposed to knock him out to look into his head and find the cause of the voice?

"Kakashi-san?"

He whipped around and found the blonde woman looking equally as surprised as he did.

"Ino?"

"Where am I? What is this?"

He looked around quickly before he glanced back at her.

"You're in my head, right? We're inside my head?"

The woman shook her head vigorously as she stepped up to him.

"This- This isn't your subconscious. I was starting to look around and suddenly I was pulled into here. Did you pull me into here? What is this place?"

This wasn't his subconscious? Then what is this place? She was searching and something dragged her here.

"I didn't do anything. I don't know what this place is either. But this is wher-"

Then suddenly the noise of a piercing roar filled the air and caused both of them to jump and cover their ears.

"What was that?!" Ino screamed.

Kakashi felt all of his fight or flight responses kick in as he grabbed Ino and shoved her behind him.

"The voice." he revealed and pursed his lips at her startled gasp.

Another deep roar came from the same direction followed by heavy footsteps that shook the ground beneath them.

"**I told you to listen, Ka-ka-shi!"** the bellowing voice sounded.

The jounin instinctively reached for a kunai and realized he didn't have any weapons packs on and groaned to himself. This wasn't real, he reasoned. This is all in his head. It isn't real.

"Ino stay behind me." he bit the order out.

He searched in the direction the voice came from and saw nothing as the screeches and heavy footsteps slowly approached them. What would it do? It never hurt him before, but Ino was here. She was conscious. Did that mean he was conscious too?

'_Please don't hurt her.'_

"**I will do as I please!" **it replied to his thought.

"What the hell is that." Ino gasped as the silhouette of the beast started coming into view.

Kakashi felt his gut drop at the site. It had nearly grown double in size since the last time he encountered it. It was nearly the size of what the Ten Tails was during the peak of the last war. He took a half a step back and bumped into Ino and felt her shaky hands grab onto the back of his shirt.

"**Your worst nightmare!"** it growled deep as it rose and swung down a hand at them.

He turned and grabbed Ino and jumped away right as the hand landed where they once stood.

"Kakashi! That isn't… This isn't… We have to get out of here, we need to return!" Ino tried to speak but failed multiple times as he held onto her and continued jumping away as the beast charged at them.

"**You'll never escape me, Ka-ka-shi! Not until you die!"**

Pain suddenly tore through his body and he gasped as they fell to the ground.

"Kakashi!" Ino cried out as she scrambled up and rolled him over, "Are you hurt?"

It felt like his body was on fire and the slightest movement. He cried out in pain when he felt her cool hand touch his forehead as she said something he couldn't hear clearly.

"Run…" he groaned as he tried to push her away.

"**Too late!"**

They both looked up and saw the beast had somehow snuck up and was directed over them. He saw it raise its foot and he grabbed Ino and tried to pull her away as it came down onto them.

* * *

Ino gasped and screamed in pain as Sakura watched her rip her hand away from Kakashi's head and basically crawl away across the couch. She was next to Kakashi seconds later as he started to slump forward.

"Oh god, Kakashi!" she called as she tried pushing him up right in the awkward position she caught him in.

She sighed happily when she heard a ragged breath come from him. His eyes were unfocused when he opened them and she called out his name again and patted his cheek a couple times. The medic smiled when his eyes darted around and quickly found hers.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

Sakura felt her heart shatter when she saw the threat of tears in his eyes before he blinked and shook his head no and turned to look at Ino. She followed his gaze and found the Yamanaka staring at them in obvious fear.

"Ino?!" she stepped over to her friend.

Blue eyes flickered between her and Kakashi and she shook her head as if disagreeing with something she never said.

"Whatever is going on in his head isn't all mental illness."

Now it was her turn to look confused as she glanced back at the silvered haired man and found him looking uncomfortable. The woman sounded so scared. What had happened while they were in there? Neither moved an inch during the entire process. No one looked uncomfortable or in pain. She was only in there for a few minutes before she pulled away screaming. What the hell happened?

"What?" she asked as she looked back over to Ino.

"He's being controlled by a very powerful genjutsu." she whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has it really been two months since I've updated this story? Gosh, guys, I'm sorry! I'm sure as many of you know, the world is going through a rough patch right now and it has affected MANY of us. My life has changed, both for good and bad, over the last two months. LOTS of good and only a liiittle bad though (Corvid-19). 
> 
> So it's been revealed whats wrong!! What do you guys think? Where you right or wrong? What's going to happen from here?? How are both Kakashi and Sakura going to take this news? 
> 
> Please, please leave a review if you can! I've been getting reviews over the last two months and they have been the reason why I have slowly worked on my stories! I will try hard not to have another two month wait for the next update! If you're following Unity Without Sin too, it will have an update hopefully within the next week! Thank you guys for being so patient with me! Enjoy!


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